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It is described that Ramādevī (Lakṣmīdevī) lives in Ketumāla-varṣa, in Jambūdvīpa, where she worships the Lord with prayers, described in the 18th chapter of the 5th canto of Śrīmad Bhāgavatam.

In these prayers, she takes compassion on the position of all women and gives us a higher understanding of family life. She addresses the position of women and shows the path of pure devotion to the Lord as beyond the ordinary recommendations of the varnāśrama system.

One interesting point she makes is that in conditioned life, one who receives a male body may claim to be a male, but in reality, all souls are ultimately female, part of the energy of the Supreme Lord, and meant to serve Him. In this world, every woman desires material comfort and other facilities, but there is no need to worship the Lord for this, because all these are supplied by her, who constantly serves the Lord and is very attentive to the needs of His devotees. Instead, a woman should directly worship the Lord, seeing Him as the only true husband and protector.

Material life is based on sense enjoyment, but the senses are given by the Lord who is Hṛṣīkeśa, the master and controller of the senses. Even a materialist is completely dependent on the Lord, since the power to enjoy using one’s senses comes from Him. Since in any case we are dependent on the Lord, why not accept that, and try to cultivate this transcendental relationship? A lady accepts a husband seeking maintenance, nourishment, and protection, but in any case, these come from the Lord. A man may act as a representative and appear to give these resources, but ultimately, it all comes from the Lord. Just as rain appears to come from Indra, but ultimately is bestowed by Lord Viṣnu alone, wealth, love, children, and other facilities a husband may appear to provide are in reality given by the Supreme Lord. Without His sanction, no man has the power to provide anything, being slacked to his own karma. Therefore, developing this forgotten relationship with Kṛṣṇa, the Supreme Lord, is the true purpose of life, behind all material relationships and social conventions. Lakṣmīdevī thus guides all of us in this direction.

These prayers of Lakṣmīdevī do not necessarily mean a woman should not get a husband, but emphasize that the Lord should be seen as the ultimate cause. No man has any potency to act independently of Him.

Marriage, therefore, should be conducted in a spirit of service to the Lord, instead of mere material satisfaction. A wife should see the husband as a servant of the Lord, meant to be respected and served, and similarly, the husband should see his wife as the dear servant of the Lord, who should be protected and nourished. When we support each other in this understanding, we can peacefully cooperate in the service of the Lord. With Kṛṣṇa in the center, our marriage becomes instrumental in our spiritual progress, instead of an obstacle to it.

Conversely, if we prefer to insist on the model of the husband being seen as a provider of material resources and the wife as a source of enjoyment, then the relationship will remain mundane and illusory, and will simply distract us from the ultimate goal.

Lakṣmīdevī also mentions that “if a woman worships Your lotus feet for a particular purpose, You also quickly fulfill her desires, but in the end she becomes broken-hearted and laments.”

Why is that?

Even though the Lord is the only true husband and protector, people often prefer to accept other ordinary persons for this function. The Lord has no objection, and he in fact sanctions these arrangements. Kṛṣṇa is providing husbands for everyone, and if a devotee lady prays to him with this goal in mind, the Lord can very easily give her a husband. However, this will be a fallible and temporary arrangement, since no ordinary man has the power to protect anyone or make anyone happy. The lady will thus inevitably become broken-hearted and lament. This is not the Lord’s fault, but just the inevitable result of such a material arrangement. If we want to touch the fire, the Lord can arrange for us the possibility of doing so, but He is not responsible for our hands being burned; this is the result of our own choice.

What is the solution then? “Na te viduḥ svārtha-gatiṁ hi viṣṇum: people do not know that real advancement in life consists of accepting the Supreme Personality of Godhead as one’s master. Instead of deceiving themselves and others by pretending to be all-powerful, all political leaders, husbands and guardians should spread the Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement so that everyone can learn how to surrender to Kṛṣṇa, the supreme husband.”

There is no problem in one becoming a husband, father, or even a spiritual master or demigod. However, one who does so should understand the spirit of the instructions of Ṛṣabhadeva, and see himself as a servant of the Lord, meant to elevate one’s dependents to the platform of Kṛṣṇa consciousness, directing them to the only real husband, father, and protector. Anyone who thinks they can give shelter to someone is under illusion. Only the Lord can fulfill this function.

Considering that one understands that the Lord is the Supreme Protector, but still has material desires, what should be done?

The best platform is to practice unalloyed devotional service and just serve the Lord out of love. This is the natural result of a platform of true knowledge, when we understand that the Lord is omniscient and the protector of His devotees. If the Lord is already seeing everything and is eager to give us protection, it means that all situations are simply the best for us, the fastest path for us to become purified and find our way back to Godhead.

However, if one has pressing material desires, then the second-best alternative is to just pray to the Lord for that. Kṛṣṇa is very intelligent, and He is capable of supplying it in a context that will not hamper our spiritual progress. Once it is understood that no one can act without the sanction of the Lord, only a person bereft of all good sense will approach a demigod or other powerful material personality for that.

Lakṣmīdevī mentions that although many materialists and even demigods seek her favor, she is not at all inclined to give them material opulences. On the other hand, we can see many powerful and opulent people around. If their wealth doesn’t come from Lakṣmī, from where does it come?

The answer is that they come not from Lakṣmī, but from Durgā, her expansion. However, these material blessings bestowed by Durgā are illusory and can give only illusory happiness (māyā-sukha). They are quickly lost, leaving only bewilderment and frustration. One practical example of this is Rāvana. He tried to capture Sītādevī, but instead got just an expansion of Durgā, who ultimately led to his downfall.

On the other hand, when a devotee obtains some extraordinary opulences, they are given by the real Lakṣmīdevī, just like Sudhāmā (the brāhmana) obtaining a towering celestial palace and other opulences after visiting Kṛṣṇa and giving Him a morsel of broken rice. These opulences tend to stick and don’t become an obstacle in their devotional service.

Kṛṣṇa’s general policy is to never give a blessing that leads a devotee to ask for the same thing again. In other words, when the Lord gives something, it solves the problem once and for all. Dhruva Maharaja desired to be a king more exalted even than Brahma, and the Lord made him the eternal king of a Vaikuṇṭha planet, where He personally resides.

Often, Indians are reluctant to worship Viṣnu because they think they will lose their material opulences (since many Vaiṣnavas are quite poor). This verse shows, however, that Vaiṣnavas have no scarcity of resources available to them, since the goddess of fortune herself is eager to bless them unlimitedly. However, Vaiṣnavas aim for something much more valuable, and are generally not very interested in material blessings, and the Lord Himself, understanding what is really valuable, does not impose them. Instead, He helps a devotee to gradually ascend to a platform of devotional service.

What is the proof that pure devotional service is the real blessing of the Lord? We can see that in the last verse of her prayers, Lakṣmīdevī mentions that the Lord shows His real mercy to His devotees, not to her.

Even though Lakṣmīdevī resides always in the chest of Lord Viṣnu, she desired to join the conjugal pastimes of Kṛṣṇa in Vṛndāvana. For this, she practiced austerities for a very long time, but was still unsuccessful. In this mood, she prays that “although You already bear my insignia of golden streaks on Your chest, I regard this honor as merely a kind of false prestige for me. You show Your real mercy to Your devotees, not to me.”

This closes the cycle, bringing us to the highest stage of devotional service, the true benediction of the Lord, the most valuable benediction of all. Even great demigods desire the favor of the Goddess of fortune, but Lakṣmīdevī herself, the possessor and bestower of all material opulences, hankers for something else, something she can’t achieve. This very thing is available for devotees who reject all material benedictions as insignificant and fully surrender to the Lord, following the footsteps of the inhabitants of Vṛndāvana.

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Family life is recommended in the scriptures because it offers us a foundation for our spiritual practice, where we have space to develop our material activities and fulfill our desires and ambitions to a certain extent, but at the same time continue to progress in spiritual life. Family life, however, is not a solution in itself. It demands a continuous effort in the direction of cultivating transcendental knowledge and developing our Krsna Consciousness. When this effort is abandoned, we can very easily fall into the trap of materialistic life, even if externally still following basic rules and regulations. That's the trap of pious materialistic life.

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These two sides of the question are explained by Prabhupada in his purport to (SB 4.27.1): "By coming home, taking his bath, eating nice foodstuffs, getting refreshed and searching out his wife, King Purañjana came to his good consciousness in his family life. In other words, a systematic family life as enjoined in the Vedas is better than an irresponsible sinful life. If a husband and wife combine together in Kṛṣṇa consciousness and live together peacefully, that is very nice. However, if a husband becomes too much attracted by his wife and forgets his duty in life, the implications of materialistic life will again resume."

He then explains the goal: "Śrīla Rūpa Gosvāmī has therefore recommended, anāsaktasya viṣayān (Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu 1.2.255). Without being attached by sex, the husband and wife may live together for the advancement of spiritual life. The husband should engage in devotional service, and the wife should be faithful and religious according to the Vedic injunctions. Such a combination is very good. However, if the husband becomes too much attracted to the wife due to sex, the position becomes very dangerous."

He makes the point that in family life, it is the duty of the husband to satisfy the material needs of the wife for clothes, ornaments, children, etc., but at the same time engage her in Krsna Consciousness, just as the wife tries to satisfy the needs of the husband for respect, attention, intimacy, etc. In this way, both the husband and wife get something out of it, materially speaking, but the real goal is the practice of Krsna Consciousness. When this goal is forgotten and one becomes absorbed in material pleasures and economic development, family life becomes a trap. It is, in any case, still better than plain sinful life in promiscuous relationships, but if spiritual practice is not present, we are just wasting our time.

Why should the husband take care of the necessities of the wife? And why should the wife bother trying to understand what the husband needs? Shouldn't we just practice Krsna Consciousness? The point is that if we were ready to just practice, forgetting all material needs, we would not have a desire to enter family life in the first place. We would be satisfied just chanting under the tree. Our family status is proof that we are not ready for it.

When basic necessities are satisfied, family life can be peaceful, and we can have a stable foundation to pursue our spiritual practice, balancing it with different material duties. This particular purport mentions more the side of the man, but the same applies to both. However, as Prabhupada puts it, "if the man becomes attracted to the woman simply for sex enjoyment, then family life becomes abominable."

As we can see, family life is a balancing act, where on the one hand one has to take care of material needs and provide for one's family, but on the other hand should not lose track of the goal of life.

Family life can be understood as a stepping stone, or as a ladder to get out of a sinful, promiscuous life devoid of responsibility and keep oneself on a platform of piety. However, as the story of Purañjana teaches us, a mere life of material piety devoid of Krsna Consciousness is not sufficient. To go somewhere, we need to avoid being caught in the illusion of materialistic life. For a man, the trap is to become too attracted to sexual life, or, on the other extreme, to neglect his family duties; and for a woman the trap is to become too attracted to material processions, social status and other aspects of materialistic life, and use her husband to obtain these things instead of assisting him in the development of his Krsna Consciousness. A good wife is called dharma-patnī, because she assists the husband in his spiritual practice, creating an auspicious situation where both can advance.

If both are successful, their family life can become like Vaikuṇṭha. Otherwise, if a man becomes too attracted to sexual life, becoming absorbed in simply satisfying the whims of a materialistic wife, or if a woman becomes too much involved in her own material ambitions and forgets the goal of life, family life can easily be converted into a prison where we simply waste our precious human life without achieving neither material happiness we hoped for, nor the spiritual advancement we could have made otherwise.

As Prabhupada concludes: "The conclusion is that a household life is better than a sinful life devoid of responsibility, but if in the household life the husband becomes subordinate to the wife, involvement in materialistic life again becomes prominent. In this way a man’s material bondage becomes enhanced. Because of this, according to the Vedic system, after a certain age a man is recommended to abandon his family life for the stages of vānaprastha and sannyāsa."

Another point that is mentioned in the passage is that after he returned home, the wife of Purañjana dressed nicely to receive him. This also has a meaning.

It is described that she bathed and decorated herself to satisfy him. Prabhupada connects this to a good wife dressing herself well to keep her husband happy, thereby helping him fulfill his family duties. This comes from the idea of dovetailing our natural propensities with beneficial activities. If a woman desires to dress well, she should do so for her husband or for the Lord. As Prabhupada explains:

"It is the duty of the wife to dress herself up very nicely so that when her husband returns home he becomes attracted by her dress and cleanliness and thus becomes satisfied. In other words, the wife is the inspiration of all good intelligence. Upon seeing one’s wife dressed nicely, one can think very soberly about family business. When a person is too anxious about family affairs, he cannot discharge his family duties nicely. A wife is therefore supposed to be an inspiration and should keep the husband’s intelligence in good order so that they can combinedly prosecute the affairs of family life without impediment."

There is nothing wrong with a couple having affection for each other. Sex life is also expected, as well as everything else connected with a peaceful life at home. The point is that all of this must be combined with the development of Krsna Consciousness.

Prabhupada makes a series of sobering points: "Human consciousness should be used for elevation to Kṛṣṇa consciousness. But when a person is too much attracted to his wife and family affairs, he does not take Kṛṣṇa consciousness very seriously. He thus becomes degraded, not knowing that he cannot buy back even a second of his life in return for millions of dollars. The greatest loss in life is passing time without understanding Kṛṣṇa. Every moment of our lives should be utilized properly, and the proper use of life is to increase devotional service to the Lord. Without devotional service to the Lord, the activities of life become simply a waste of time (śrama eva hi kevalam). Simply by becoming “dutiful” we do not make any profit in life. If after performing one’s occupational duty very perfectly one does not make progress in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, it should be understood that he has simply wasted his time in valueless labor."

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In some passages, Srila Prabhupada mentions that cow killing is the worst sin one can commit, but in others, he mentions that illicit sex is the worst. This may sound like a contradiction at first, but it just means that both are very bad. In some passages of the scriptures is mentioned that Nārada Muni is the greatest devotee, and in others that Lord Śiva is the greatest devotee; it just means that both are pure devotees. Similarly, both cow killing and illicit sex are very dangerous.

It is easy to understand why cow killing is so terrible. The cow is not only the most evolved animal before human beings, but it is also the most useful. Cows give not only milk, but also dung, which is the best fertilizer. Bulls give physical labor, and thus cows and bulls give us everything that is necessary for successful organic agriculture and feeding people. Without cows and bulls, life becomes miserable. People were living without cows in parts of Europe during the Middle Ages — using human excrement and slave labor — but this is not a level of existence that most of us would appreciate.

It's easy to understand how killing cows and other innocent animals is so terrible, due to the violence and suffering involved, but what about illicit sex? Sex, illicit or not, involves only two persons, and as long as it is consensual, it doesn't involve violence. What's the problem with it?

First of all, we need to understand the definition of illicit sex used by Srila Prabhupada. There is legal sex, which is sex inside marriage with the purpose of begetting children, and there is illicit sex, which is promiscuous sex outside of marriage. The idea given in the Vedas is that sex is a very serious thing since it determines which souls are going to take part in the next generation. We may be completely non-violent, but if due to our lack of responsibility, we beget demoniac children, they may cause much more harm than we could ever do. Because of a mistake by Diti and Kaśyapa Muni, two great demons came, who terrorized the whole universe for thousands of years, including the killing of cows and brāhmanas.

According to the Vedas, children are not just tabulae rasas; they bring all the impressions, desires, and traces of personality from their past lives. A pious soul can be easily trained as a brāhmana, saintly king, pious businessman, or pure Vaishnava, who can greatly benefit the world. On the other hand, a demoniac soul will cause a lot of suffering to others.

We don't create a new soul during the sexual act, but we create a new body according to the state of consciousness of the father and mother. The type of body created will, in turn, determine what kind of soul will take shelter in it. If our consciousness is pure, the body of a pure devotee will be created, and a pure soul will come, but if our consciousness is polluted by lust, violence, and so on, the body of a demon will be created, and the result will not be so good.

When one has sex with someone else's wife, or with some random woman or man from a bar, he or she may end up bearing the responsibility of bringing one of such dangerous souls to earth. Naturally, nowadays people avoid the risk of pregnancy with contraceptives, but they bring other problems. Not only are contraceptives never 100% effective, but they also bring negative karmic consequences for breaking nature's laws, just like abortion and other acts.

Sex is accepted as an important necessity in the Vedas, but on the other hand, the scriptures alert us to the necessity of doing it in a responsible way, by constituting a family and begetting good children. This is not only a great merit for us, but also the best for the whole world.

In the Bhagavad-Gita, Krsna explains that enlightened souls who practice devotional service in previous lives have the opportunity to take birth in pious families, where they will be well treated and will have conditions of continuing their spiritual path. Souls who are even more evolved take birth in families of serious devotees, where they are trained from the beginning in the service of Krsna. Nowadays, such families are becoming increasingly rare, and that's the source of most of the problems we have.

Much is spoken about overpopulation, but overpopulation is only a problem when demonic souls are born. If the world were overpopulated by pure devotees, it would become Vaikuṇṭha. The problem is thus not about avoiding overpopulation, but bringing the right type of souls to our planet.

It's difficult to speak about building a Krsna Conscious society, or any kind of progressive society, without accepting our responsibility connected to it.

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One question that many young devotees ask: "Should I get married?". Sometimes old devotees also ask the same. Once, I heard it from a lady in her late 50s who had lost her husband. It seems that family life is a topic of high priority on the minds of most.

This is not a surprise. It's not because we are fallen or have some kind of spiritual defect, but just because family life is such an important part of life in the material world, and therefore a very great necessity for most of us.

We may bring many arguments to the table, but in the end, the question is quite simple: people have a need for loving and feeling loved. This is the eternal characteristic of the soul. When one is sufficiently advanced on the spiritual path, one can apply this loving propensity to Krsna, which brings full satisfaction. At this stage, there is no need to exert it on the material platform. These are the ones who become disinterested in the material world and are perfectly happy in serving and advancing further in spiritual life. These are sadhus who must be respected.

However, this platform is not viable for most. Not only we have to be already practicing Krsna Consciousness in his previous life and have attained an advanced level, but we have to be able to find a good environment, with senior devotees who can properly guide us, like-minded devotees with whom to can have deep friendship and services that are according to our nature, where we can apply our propensity for action in a positive way.

For ladies, the situation is much more difficult, because not only do ladies have a very deep need for family life and motherhood, but also because opportunities for ladies living in temples and being properly maintained are rare in our society. On top of that, there is great social pressure. Ladies who decide not to get married usually face a lot of difficulties in our society. We can see that practically all lady disciples of Srila Prabhupada got married at some point, and there are good reasons for that. There are a few ascetic ladies in our tradition, but they are the exception, not the rule.

As long as one is not a liberated soul, the place for exerting this loving propensity is in family life. That's the place where this loving propensity can be used in a positive way to serve one's partner and children. Just as we have this necessity, other people also have the same need, and by being a good wife or husband, one not only solves one’s own problem but also helps another person. Children also have the same need for love, and family life is also an opportunity to serve in this direction. To raise and properly educate a few children to be devotees of Krsna is probably the best service most of us can possibly do.

Many of course have fear. The men fear the responsibility, and the ladies fear being restricted or mistreated, and everyone fears the long-term commitment to the children. There is also fear of failure, fear of not being able to find a good partner, fear of ridicule, of being judged, and so on. However, fear is not a very good reason to avoid doing necessary things. In the Bhagavad-Gita, Krsna explains that "one who gives up prescribed duties as troublesome or out of fear of bodily discomfort is said to have renounced in the mode of passion. Such action never leads to the elevation of renunciation." We can see practically that devotees who are not sufficiently qualified for a life of renunciation, but at the same time avoid family life out of fear or frustration, rarely attain any good results from it.

Two verses later, Krsna explains how true renunciation is based on accepting one's natural position and executing his duties without fear and without attachment to the result. This is actually true renunciation and not the simple avoidance of the duty: "O Arjuna, when one performs his prescribed duty only because it ought to be done, and renounces all material association and all attachment to the fruit, his renunciation is said to be in the mode of goodness."

Most of the time, the real renunciation for both men and women is to renounce one's idea of being "free" and avoiding responsibility, and instead to settle down in a place and accept the long-term responsibility of taking care of a family. This is often the position that can offer a platform where most of us can continue advancing in spiritual life. Proper grhastas have the chance of advancing faster in spiritual life than devotees who try to renounce for the wrong reasons.

Family life is a difficult thing to do in our age, because that's something we learn how to do properly in our childhood, by observing our parents, and most of us lack good examples in this direction. In most cases, we need to learn on duty, by committing mistakes and fixing them. It helps, however, when we have proper guidance from senior devotees, who can help us to avoid the most serious problems.

For one who is starting in spiritual life, I would recommend practicing seriously or even living in the ashram for some time, getting some training, strengthening one’s spiritual practice, and considering going to family life when the possibility appears. It's not easy to find a suitable partner, and it can take time; therefore, the best is to find a position where one is happy and engaged in spiritual life and can be cool about it for some time, and move to family life when the opportunity appears. If one waits too long, he or she may come to a point where the need becomes too urgent and one can't choose a suitable partner with a cool mind. It's important to avoid that.

How is this article connected with the photo? Simple: If it were not for the services of the parents of all these devotees in the photo, there would be no Ratha-yatra, there would be no Prabhupada, and there would be no Krsna Consciousness in the West. And we would not be here discussing Krsna. Family life is not just "Maya"; there are important services to be done there.

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Pārvatī and Lord Shiva are the most exalted examples of husband and wife in our universe. Lord Shiva is the perfect Vaishnava, and Pārvatī is the most dedicated wife. Lord Shiva lives under a tree and is completely renounced, while Pārvatī is a princess, the daughter of the king of the Himalayas. She could have selected anyone as her husband, but she chose Lord Shiva, not because he is a rich man, but because of his spiritual position. Similarly, although a princess, Devahuti chose Kardama Muni as her husband, even though he was a renounced sage, due to his spiritual advancement. She valued his sanctity and spiritual realization much more than power or money. Therefore, after the marriage, she was happy to serve him while he was practicing his austerities, as described in the first verses of chapter 3.23 of Srimad Bhagavatam: "Maitreya continued: After the departure of her parents, the chaste woman Devahūti, who could understand the desires of her husband, served him constantly with great love, as Bhavānī, the wife of Lord Śiva, serves her husband. O Vidura, Devahūti served her husband with intimacy and great respect, with control of the senses, with love and with sweet words." (SB 3.23.1-2)

In his purport, Prabhupada gives more details of the relationship between Devahuti and Kardama Muni. Kardama Muni was a highly qualified man, one of the greatest sages in the universe, and Devahuti accepted him as a superior. She was thus happy in serving him without reservation. As Prabhupada mentions, in general, the instinct of a man is to be in control and pose himself as higher than the wife, and therefore, it's difficult to avoid disagreement in the marriage if this is not somehow observed.

As Prabhupada mentions, "Here two words are very significant. Devahūti served her husband in two ways, viśrambheṇa and gauraveṇa. These are two important processes in serving the husband or the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Viśrambheṇa means “with intimacy,” and gauraveṇa means “with great reverence.” The husband is a very intimate friend; therefore the wife must render service just like an intimate friend, and at the same time she must understand that the husband is superior in position, and thus she must offer him all respect. A man’s psychology and woman’s psychology are different. As constituted by bodily frame, a man always wants to be superior to his wife, and a woman, as bodily constituted, is naturally inferior to her husband. Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed. Even if there is some wrong on the part of the husband, the wife must tolerate it, and thus there will be no misunderstanding between husband and wife."

The natural instinct for any woman is to marry a man who is stronger than her, more intelligent, more emotionally mature, etc., therefore, when the man can play the role, this relationship of respect is naturally established. This is the ideal situation for both because when a man has the respect of his wife, he becomes motivated to grow and develop his potential, while the wife benefits from receiving the protection of such a great man. The husband becomes happy when he can play the role of a hero, and the wife is happy when she can play the role of someone protected by the hero. This is a situation where both flourish. Of course, things are rarely ideal in Kali-yuga, but this basic dynamic is still valid. Degraded men may display qualities such as harshness, infidelity, or even violence, which makes the life of a wife very difficult.

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The female for the term Sādhu is Sādhvī. The term Sādhu is generally used for a man in the renounced order of life, while the term Sādhvī is used in the sense of a chaste wife or a virtuous lady. While a man can achieve perfection by becoming a renunciant, this path is not usually recommended for women. Instead, a lady can become a Sādhvī by serving a great husband, like Devahuti, and taking care of their children. This, however, depends on selecting a qualified man.

Because a wife is supposed to follow her husband and adopt the same lifestyle for her marriage to be harmonious, in Vedic culture, women marry men who are of the same class or higher. There was no harm in Devahuti, who was a Ksatriyaṇi marrying Kardama Muni, who was a Brahmana, but a marriage between a Ksatriya woman and a Vaishya or Sudra man would be condemned, because it would not only result in a disharmonious family life, but in degradation for the woman, who would have to follow the lifestyle of a lesser man. Nowadays, there is no such clear division between classes as before, but the general principle is still that a woman should marry a man who is similar in nature, or higher.

Lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities, and vanity are great obstacles to our spiritual advancement, but we can gradually overcome them by practicing the principles of spiritual life and developing an attitude of service. In the case of Kardama Muni and Devahuti, the situation was that Kardama Muni was directly serving the Lord through his advanced devotional practices, and Devahuti was serving him as a dedicated wife. In this way, both were advancing. It's not so easy to have the opportunity of directly serving the Lord, but it is easy to serve His devotees. Devahuti had a very exalted husband; therefore was natural for her to serve him, and by doing so, she was advancing spiritually in imperceptible ways.

Although Kardama Muni was a greater yogi than Devahuti, she was a princess, while Kardama Muni was just a poor sage dressed in rags. This could be a reason for Devahuti to become proud, and this pride could ruin her family life.

There is always something one can do better than another. When Dronacarya asked Yudhiṣṭhira to find someone lower than him, he couldn't, because he noticed even animals could do certain things better than he, or had qualities he didn't have. Similarly, a wife may have many reasons to be proud, but if she is not able to control it, this may ruin her family life; therefore, Devahuti was very careful about it, abandoning her pride as a princess and adopting the same lifestyle as her exalted husband. We can see something similar in the story of Gandhari. When she heard that she was getting married to Dhritarashtra, who was blind by birth, she decided to voluntarily cover her eyes, understanding that being able to see would make her feel higher than her husband.

Another point mentioned by Prabhupada is that although they were different in terms of social status, Kardama Muni and Devahuti were of the same category, because both were yogis capable of controlling their senses, and both were great devotees of the Lord. Therefore, although it was not easy for Devahuti to adapt to life in the forest, she was happy to do so because she had the same goals as her husband and could understand and appreciate his austerities. If she had been a materialistic person, her married life would not have been so successful.

Often, ladies get the idea of marrying a pure devotee. While this is a nice sentiment, practically speaking, this may not be a very good idea unless a woman is prepared to also be a pure devotee. A materialistic woman will not be able to appreciate a saintly husband, and will not be able to benefit from his association. The differences in mentality will also make their family life disharmonious, which will be unfavorable for both. We can remember the example of the wife of Prabhupada drinking tea with her friends while he was lecturing on the Srimad Bhagavatam to guests, and later selling his books to buy biscuits, for example.

The next point is the mentality of Kardama Muni and Devahuti, which led them to later become the parents of Kapila Muni, the incarnation of the Lord.

Usually, when couples get married, they spend some time on their honeymoon and from there get settled into their family life and start having children. However, there are a few examples of couples who would follow a different path, first performing serious austerities, and then begetting children, like Kardama Muni and Devahuti, Sutapa and Pṛśni, etc. Being purified by this practice of austerities, they would beget very exalted children, or direct incarnations of the Lord, like Lord Kapila or Prisnigarbha.

The main goal of Kardama Muni was not to just enjoy his married life but to beget exalted children who could benefit the universe. With this in mind, he first practiced austerities for many years together with his wife so both of them could become purified. Usually, people beget children just out of passion, and therefore they beget regular children who can be trained to be devotees of the Lord. However, when a couple begets children while situated in a very high level of purity, often a very elevated soul comes.

Through his practice of devotional service, Kardama Muni had risen to the highest platform, obtaining love of Godhead. Now, being completely satisfied with the selfless service of his wife, he wanted to share the ultimate realization with her. Normally, it is not expected that a woman may obtain love of Godhead by just serving her husband, but if the husband is a pure devotee like Kardama Muni, this is possible, because a dedicated wife shares the results of the pious activities or the devotional service of her husband. As Prabhupada explains:

"Devahūti engaged only in the service of Kardama Muni. She was not supposed to be so advanced in austerity, ecstasy, meditation or Kṛṣṇa consciousness, but, imperceptibly, she was sharing her husband’s achievements, which she could neither see nor experience. Automatically she achieved these graces of the Lord."
"By the grace of Kardama Muni, Devahūti experienced actual realization simply by serving. We get a similar example in the life of Nārada Muni. In his previous life, Nārada was a maidservant’s son, but his mother was engaged in the service of great devotees. He got the opportunity to serve the devotees, and simply by eating the remnants of their foodstuff and carrying out their orders he became so elevated that in his next life he became the great personality Nārada."
"By serving her devotee husband, Kardama Muni, Devahūti shared in his achievements. Similarly, a sincere disciple, simply by serving a bona fide spiritual master, can achieve all the mercy of the Lord and the spiritual master simultaneously."

However, Devahuti had something else in mind. She was more anxious to beget a child from the sage than to obtain love of Godhead. She desired to first beget a child, and then be later empowered with love of Godhead. This may sound incredibly foolish at first, but this is a natural propensity, especially for women. We can see that frequently we have the same mentality, putting other achievements ahead of the main goal of attaining perfection in Krsna Consciousness. In the case of Devahuti, there was a reason for her desire to first beget a son, because they were supposed to be blessed with an incarnation of the Lord taking birth as their son, and she was anxious for that. In our case, however, it is really just foolishness.

Devahuti said: "My dear husband, O best of brāhmaṇas, I know that you have achieved perfection and are the master of all the infallible mystic powers because you are under the protection of yoga-māyā, the transcendental nature. But you once made a promise that our bodily union should now fulfill, since children are a great quality for a chaste woman who has a glorious husband." (SB 3.23.10)

In his purport, Srila Prabhupada mentions: "She reminded him that for a chaste woman to have a child by a great personality is most glorious. She wanted to be pregnant, and she prayed for that. The word strī means “expansion.” By bodily union of the husband and wife their qualities are expanded: children born of good parents are expansions of the parents’ personal qualifications. Both Kardama Muni and Devahūti were spiritually enlightened. Therefore she desired from the beginning that first she be pregnant and then she be empowered with the achievement of God’s grace and love of God. For a woman it is a great ambition to have a son of the same quality as a highly qualified husband. Since she had the opportunity to have Kardama Muni as her husband, she also desired to have a child by bodily union."

In our age, begetting a child is a very long and complicated process. The pregnancy lasts for nine months, and the children take time to grow, during which they demand a lot of care. This is a consequence of the gross type of bodies we have in our age, which is in turn a result of our low level of consciousness.

The process of generating children in Satya-yuga, as well as in the celestial planets, is different. The pregnancy is very quick, and once born, the children grow very fast, quickly attaining the form of a youth. This is possible because their bodies are much more subtle, or refined, and thus they don't need to pass through a long process of growth and development like the children of our age. The elevated soul who takes birth in such bodies doesn't forget their past lives like us, and thus they can immediately speak and show other abilities without having to learn from zero, like in our case. It's a completely different grade of existence.

In the case of Kardama Muni and Devahuti, their daughters were born later in the same day and quickly grew into girls of marriage age, as mentioned on SB 3.23.48: "Immediately afterward, on the same day, Devahūti gave birth to nine female children, all charming in every limb and fragrant with the scent of the red lotus flower."

Similarly, when later Lord Kapila was born, he very quickly grew into a handsome boy, instructing both of his parents in transcendental knowledge.

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Being a father or mother in Krsna Consciousness can be a little confusing. On the one hand, there is this small child who appears as our son and gradually grows and develops his intelligence and personality. At the same time, we philosophically understand that the soul is eternal and nobody is actually anyone's son, since we are all eternal parts and parcels of Krsna.

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In the 6th canto of Srimad Bhagavatam, we have the story of King Citraketu, who first could not conceive a son, and was eventually blessed to have a son who would give him great jubilation but also great lamentation. The great jubilation was the joy of being a parent and enjoying the company of the child, and the great lamentation was the toddler's premature death.

Seeing the great lamentation of the king with the untimely death of his son, Narada Muni called the soul to reenter the body for a short time. However, now, the soul was not tied by the illusion connected with the body and spoke from the true perspective of an eternal being. He said:

"According to the results of my fruitive activities, I, the living being, transmigrate from one body to another, sometimes going to the species of the demigods, sometimes to the species of lower animals, sometimes among the vegetables, and sometimes to the human species. Therefore, in which birth were these my mother and father? No one is actually my mother and father. How can I accept these two people as my parents?" (SB 6.16.4)

Similarly, when the son of Srvasa Pandita died during a kirtana, Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu also called the soul back to his body:

“Why did you leave your father’s house?” To everyone’s surprise, the supposedly dead child opened his eyes, sat down, and started speaking: “My Lord I am Your eternal servant. And wherever You send me, that’s where I want to be. By the power of destiny and by the power of Your mercy I was allowed to live all these days in the auspicious home of Srivas. But now by the power of your will, my destiny is to move to another body. Who is my relative? Who is my father? Who is my Mother? When the time comes the soul must depart from the body. Now my Lord I beg You, please forgive me for any offenses I may have made and grant me the boon that wherever You send me I may have the association of Your devotees. With Your permission, I will now go.”

Reading such passages, how can one accept someone as one’s son or daughter? Why should we become parents in the first place? Is this not supposed to be just an illusion?

This is certainly a question that torments many devotees; however, I found that once one becomes a parent, it becomes much easier to understand it.

In one sense, seeing oneself as the father or mother of someone is an illusion because the soul is eternal. Being a parent means just creating a new body where this eternal soul can live for some time. To be attached to the small body of the child and the enjoyment it gives to the parents is certainly an illusion. That's how mundane parents live under the veil of Maya. However, being a parent in Krsna Consciousness offers a different perspective.

Instead of seeing oneself as the creator, maintainer, and proprietor of his child, a Krsna Conscious parent sees himself as someone offering service.

Being a parent in Krsna Consciousness is about serving a devotee that Krsna chooses to send to be part of our family. One may think that serving Vaishnavas outside is "service" while serving Vaishnavas who take birth in our family, "Maya", but I don't share this vision. If anything, Srila Prabhupada used to say that "charity starts at home".

The basic difference between a human being and an animal is that a human being has the capacity of understanding Krsna, but we often fail to understand how much work it takes to produce a proper human body, with a proper mental disposition and proper impressions that can allow a soul to have a realistic opportunity of going back home, back to Goodhead.

There are cases of animals who become Krsna Conscious and go back to Godhead, like in the case of the elephant Gajendra, but it's not very common to see horses with japa beads around, since horses are busy eating, sleeping, mating, and defending. When we speak about human beings, however, the possibility is much better.

The problem is that when we speak about "human body", we are not speaking just about the physical body, with two hands and two legs, but especially about the mind and intelligence, the main tools that a soul uses to understand the world and understand Krsna.

Most children nowadays are born into quite dysfunctional families and go through a lot of abuse before even reaching their teenage years. After this, it often becomes worse, with all the sex, drugs, rock and roll, and useless scrolling that are involved in a typical young adult's life in most parts of the world nowadays.

As a result, when one becomes an adult, the intelligence is so spoiled and the mind so polluted by sinful impressions that it is very difficult for one to become attracted to the service of Krana, what to say about properly following the principles of devotional service. Although one technically has a human body, this body is so spoiled that the chances of going back to godhead in this life become very remote. One may have a car, but if the car is not in good condition, one may not go very far in it.

Most of us know cases of devotees who are sincere in spiritual life but can't go forward because of bad habits, addictions, and sinful material desires. We may be in this position ourselves. Most of it is because of the impressions we accumulated in our previous years.

To grow a child in Krsna Consciousness means to give a devotee a chance to properly develop his body and mind since the beginning, impressing the proper impressions in the mind and creating the conditions that may allow this soul to continue on the spiritual path without impediments and eventually go back home, back to Godhead. Some may call it "Maya", but I see it as an important service that not many are willing to do nowadays.

When our movement started, the way to make devotees was to go to the street and distribute books. Nowadays, this possibility is still there, of course, but as society becomes more sinful, the potential diminishes, since people become more degraded and have progressively more difficulties in following the spiritual path. As time goes on, I believe we will be seeing fewer serious devotees coming from the outside and more appearing as second and third-generation devotees. The role of parents in Krsna Consciousness will become progressively more important for the future of our movement.

When Lord Rshabadeva says that "One who cannot deliver his dependents from the path of repeated birth and death should never become a spiritual master, a father, a husband, a mother or a worshipable demigod." it doesn't mean that one should not become a parent, but conversely, that one should properly educate his children so they have a realistic chance of going back to Godhead. Verses like this are not meant to make us renounce our duties and go to the forest, but on the contrary, teach us how to properly accept responsibilities in Krsna Consciousness and practice what Krsna teaches us in the Bhagavad-Gita, doing it without attachment and as a service to the Lord.

As in other services, there is a lot of joy involved, and when we do it with the proper consciousness, the result will always be positive in one way or another, since Krsna will be pleased with our service. If, however, we neglect our service, putting other personal goals ahead of it, the conclusion may not be so nice.

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In the Jaiva Dharma, Srila Bhaktivinoda Thākura left a very inspiring passage for householders:

“Kṛṣṇa has given you mercy. Make your families into Kṛṣṇa’s family and serve Kṛṣṇa. Follow the order that Mahāprabhu taught the whole world. In the world there are two situations: being a household and being renounced. As long as one is not qualified for renouncing, one should remain as a householder and serve Kṛṣṇa. Mahāprabhu was an example of the householder Vaiṣṇava for the first twenty-four years of his pastimes. For the remaining twenty-four years of pastimes, he was an example of a renunciant Vaiṣṇava. The householders should define their conduct by seeing Mahāprabhu’s household life. In my opinion, this is what you should do. Do not think that as a householder you cannot attain the supreme goal of Kṛṣṇa prema. Mahāprabhu gave his mercy mostly to householders. Even the renounced Vaiṣṇavas pray for the foot dust of those householders.”

In the book, this instruction was given by Paramahansa Babaji to Vrajanatha, an intelligent and dedicated boy who was hearing about devotional service from him for a long time. Vrajanatha was already on an advanced platform of devotional service. However, when pressed by his family to get married and take responsibility for the family business, Vrajanatha decided to ask his spiritual master what path to take in life. He received this instruction.

Many spiritual schools (in general, the lines connected with the jñana path) do not accept householders at all. In such lines, being renounced is a prerequisite for one to even start their spiritual training, and ladies are not accepted at any stage.

However, such restrictions are not present in the Gaudiya Vaishnava line. In His eternal pastimes, Sri Chaitanya Mahāprabhu is a householder, just like most of His associates. It's only as a temporary measure to facilitate his pastime of spreading the sankirtana movement that he sometimes accepts sannyāsa in His Lila of spreading Krsna Consciousness in this material world.

One can practice Krsna Consciousness as a householder or as a renunciant. In both cases, there is no barrier. It's not about one asrama being better or worse than the other, but about staying in the position where one will have more facility in his (or her) spiritual practice.

As Srila Prabhupada mentions in his purport to SB 8.2.30:

"From this we can understand that in this age the sannyāsa-āśrama is forbidden because people are not strong. Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu showed us an example in taking sannyāsa at the age of twenty-four years, but even Sārvabhauma Bhaṭṭācārya advised Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu to be extremely careful because He had taken sannyāsa at an early age. For preaching we give young boys sannyāsa, but actually it is being experienced that they are not fit for sannyāsa. There is no harm, however, if one thinks that he is unfit for sannyāsa; if he is very much agitated sexually, he should go to the āśrama where sex is allowed, namely the gṛhastha-āśrama. That one has been found to be very weak in one place does not mean that he should stop fighting the crocodile of māyā. One should take shelter of the lotus feet of Kṛṣṇa, as we shall see Gajendra do, and at the same time one can be a gṛhastha if he is satisfied with sexual indulgence. There is no need to give up the fight. Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu therefore recommended, sthāne sthitāḥ śruti-gatāṁ tanu-vān-manobhiḥ. One may stay in whichever āśrama is suitable for him; it is not essential that one take sannyāsa. If one is sexually agitated, he can enter the gṛhastha-āśrama. But one must continue fighting. For one who is not in a transcendental position, to take sannyāsa artificially is not a very great credit. If sannyāsa is not suitable, one may enter the gṛhastha-āśrama and fight māyā with great strength. But one should not give up the fighting and go away."

In a war, no one in sane consciousness will choose to fight an enemy in a position of disadvantage. Any competent person will choose to fight in an advantageous situation. Similarly, as Srila Prabhupada mentions, progressing in spiritual life means constantly battling the illusory energy of Krsna. Maya has the duty of duly testing us, and to pass such tests, one must practice spiritual life in a position of strength.

Some are stronger as renunciants, while others are stronger as family men. For ladies, especially, family life tends to be a much safer position. To try to make everyone a renunciant is actually a form of communism, which makes everyone the same, dismissing individual characteristics. It is actually the opposite of the truth. The most basic component of the varnāśrama system is respecting people's individual characteristics and properly engaging them in positions where they can be useful for society and at the same time progress in the spiritual path.

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Nowadays, it's common to see marriages where a woman looks actually more qualified than the husband. We see cases where the woman maintains the family, and the husband just stays at home, incapable of even getting a job. We also see cases of women who are more emotionally developed, having to take care of husbands who are little more than grown-up children, and even cases of women who are better at controlling their senses than their husbands.

Of course, people are free to live in the way they like, but we can see that frequently such unions are usually not very happy. The women are usually not happy to have an unreliable husband who can't properly take care of the family, and the men are usually also not happy with being relegated to a secondary role. It's also questionable if such a conflictive situation is favorable for their spiritual advancement.

Apart from the usual astrological matching and other considerations related to the compatibility between the spouses, the Vedas advise marriage between equals. According to the scriptures, a Brahmana should marry a Brahmini, a Ksatriya a Ksatrini, and so on. This assures the most harmonious situation, where the husband and wife have a similar worldview, share a similar culture, and have similar goals in life.

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The Vedas also explain the natural psychological mechanism in which a woman should have a husband that she perceives as more qualified than herself, and in this way be able to trust and follow him. In this way, a woman can learn to better deal with her desires and her emotional nature and progress in her spiritual path. Just like a spiritual master should be higher than the disciple in qualification, in an ideal marriage, the husband should be more qualified than the wife, and thus be able to properly guide her and the children.

Marriages between unequal spouses are called anuloma and pratiloma. Anuloma happens when the wife has a lower varna than the husband, like a Brahmana marrying a Ksatrini or a Vaishya woman. This type of marriage is not considered very harmonious, because their culture and life goals will be different. We can imagine a Ksatrini complaining about her Brahmana husband's lack of political ambition, for example. However, anuloma marriages are still considered acceptable, because there is the chance that a woman may gradually progress to a higher level due to the association of the husband. A Ksatrini may then gradually become a Brahmini, for example. This type of marriage also doesn't violate the general psychology of a wife seeing the husband as more qualified than herself.

The second type, pratiloma, happens when the husband comes from a lower varna than the wife. There are a few cases, like in the marriage of Yayati and Devayani, but these are exceptions. Usually, this type of marriage is not accepted in Vedic culture. It's so rare that even Pariksit Maharaja was surprised, and inquired how this marriage between Yayati, a Ksatriya, and Devayani, a Brahmini, could have happened.

What is the problem with it? The difficulty is that, by constitution, men are not psychologically fit to follow a woman. There is a fundamental psychological difference that is described in Vedic literature. Women can grow by agreeing to follow a qualified man, this is a natural position that is profitable for them. A woman can flourish when she gets a qualified husband and agrees to follow him. Men, however, operate in a different way. Men can grow by accepting responsibility and performing duties. To flourish, they need a wife who poses as lower than them and reinforces their ego. That's usually the secret of women who are successful in marriage.

When the woman poses as a superior, it creates a mother-and-child relationship that stimulates the men to act in an immature way. A man put into such a subordinated position will regress to an infantilized and immature level, which will not be positive for him, nor for his wife. Part of the marriage problems we have nowadays are caused by men not being qualified, but a great deal is caused by the women themselves, who don't understand this basic psychological mechanism. Frequently, women have to go through one or more failed marriages to be able to understand this.

Men can (and should) relate to senior ladies, and learn to treat them with respect, but it doesn't work very well when the senior is his own wife. A senior wife doesn't help a man to grow; on the contrary, it makes him fall, becoming insecure and losing control over his mind and senses. This is also not good for the woman, who is forced to take charge of the family, instead of concentrating on her natural role as a mother. Without a proper role model from the side of the husband, it's also hard for the woman to grow.

The only way to avoid such a situation in an unequal marriage is for the woman to suppress her higher qualifications and put herself in a lower position than the husband. If she is able to do that, then the husband can still flourish and learn to properly perform his duties, but this is still bad for the wife, who will be forced to permanently suppress herself and act at a lower level than she otherwise could. We can see that in the marriage of Yayati and Devayani, Devayani started acting like a Ksatrini, abandoning her higher qualification as a Brahmini. This also brought other problems, like the natural attraction between Yayatri and Śarmiṣṭhā, who was a Ksatrini and thus more in sync with him, which resulted in further problems.

In conclusion, we see that although anuloma is not very harmonious, it is still acceptable, because it can lead the woman to grow in qualification, while papilloma is condemned because it causes degradation, forcing the woman to act in a lower level, or forcing the husband to live in an infantilized subordinate position.

Some romanticize such situations, suggesting that marrying a woman of higher qualification makes the man grow to a similar level, but unfortunately, this rarely happens. The women frequently just see themselves in a situation where they see the husband as unreliable and are frequently forced to fill up the gaps left by the husband. This leads to resentment, fights, and other problems, creating a situation that is also not healthy for the children.

Of course, very few things are ideal nowadays, and frequently, women are forced to marry unqualified men due to the lack of a better choice, but these are some ideas one can take into consideration.

There is, however, something even worse than papilloma, which doesn't even have a name, since apparently, it didn't exist in other eras. This is described only in the prophecies about life in Kali-yuga. That is when a woman, although less qualified than her husband, acts in an arrogant way, posing herself as superior. This is, unfortunately, common nowadays since there is a whole culture that stimulates this kind of behavior. What it causes is that it simply destroys the marriage, with the husband being gradually destroyed in his psyche, becoming like a small boy who is constantly hiding from the "mother", which in turn makes the woman even angrier and unhappier. If you want to better understand this mechanism, a good reading is the book "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. That's a book written by a woman who learned all these lessons the hard way, after almost destroying her marriage.

Just like a man needs to learn how to deal with a woman if he wants to be successful in his marriage, women similarly need to learn how to deal with a man if they desire to find happiness in married life.

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Different from the modern concept that everyone is the same, the Vedas explain that although the soul is the same, people acquire different natures according to their conditioning, and thus the path each one has to follow to get rid of this conditioning can be different, just like difference patients should be prescribed with different medicines, according to their diseases. A physician who prescribes the same medicine to all patients will probably do more harm than good.

Not only do people have different natures, but there are also fundamental differences between genders that can't be underestimated. A truck can be used to transport passengers, just like a car can be used to carry loads, but this goes only up to a certain extent. After a certain point, we are forced to accept that there are fundamental differences between the two types of vehicles, and each has its proper function. This doesn't contradict the understanding that the driver is different from the vehicle.

The idea that we are the soul and not the body opens up a very broad concept of egalitarianism that is not available in other philosophies. Not only are we all brothers (or sisters, if we consider the innate feminine nature of the soul as the energy of Krsna), but we all share the same transcendental nature. Although we are all individuals, there is no qualitative difference between us. However, at the same time, it's a mistake to fall into the modern notion that individuality is irrelevant and that all roles should be interchangeable, because as long as we are acting in a material platform, there will be differences introduced by the type of body and nature we currently have.

Just like no amount of talk about equal rights is capable of making a man beget a child, there are many areas where there are differences between the features of a male and female body, and it is foolish to ignore these differences.

The fact that we understand we are the soul and not the body doesn't change the fact that, at least for the time being, we do have bodies, and these bodies have certain natures that can't be easily changed. As long as we are using a material body, the differences in the constitutions of different bodies need to be observed.

In special, heavy austerities, as sometimes practiced by men, are generally not considered favorable for women. Men often become stronger spiritually and even physically by performing austerities, fasting, taking cold showers, and so on, but such practices should be applied much more carefully to ladies because their physical and mental constitutions are different.

Too much austerity can make a lady's heart hard, which in turn can make it harder for her to care for others, a fatal downside when we speak about family life and even about normal relationships between devotees. A hard heart is also not a very fertile ground for love for Krsna.

Srila Prabhupada mentions this point in his teachings. On SB 6.6.1, for example, he mentions:

"Females are not meant for the renounced order of life; they should be faithful to their good husbands, for if a husband is competent for liberation, his wife will also achieve liberation with him. As stated in the śāstra, the results of a husband’s pious activities are shared by his wife. Therefore a woman’s duty is to be very chaste and faithful to her husband. Then without separate endeavor, she will share in all the profit the husband earns."

The fact that ladies have more difficulty performing penances doesn't mean they can't advance spiritually, it's just that the process for them is different. When women are properly protected and cared for, they can blossom as mothers and caregivers, which in turn softens their hearts and makes it easier for them to achieve love for Krsna, all of this apart from nourishing the entire community.

To be a mother is not an easy thing to do, just like fasting, sleeping on the floor, and controlling one's eating and sleeping, but this is an austerity that a lady is physically and emotionally prepared to do. Just like a man can advance by performing penances, a lady can advance by taking care of her children and husband, provided, of course, they are devotees of Krsna.

Just like different players have different functions in a football team, but all share the victory, husband and wife perform different roles inside a family, but in the end, both share the advancement. It's not about competition, but about teamwork.

One of the greatest problems in our modern society is that people often fail to understand the differences between people. Men and women are thus encouraged to be the same, although they are fundamentally different in their physical and psychological constitutions. As a result, they become competitors, and this makes a peaceful family life impossible. It would not be too bad if everyone were on the platform of being renunciants, since in this case, both genders could just practice independently, but since most of us need romantic relationships with the opposite sex, this mentality results in tragedy. This is something we can learn from Prabhupada's books.

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Frequently we have the impression that having children demands a lot of money. I also had this perception, but gradually I started understanding that actually, it is not so.

The main point about raising children is to be able to dedicate enough time to them. Raising a small child is a full-time job for one of the parents, and at least part-time for the other. This goes on for several years, at least until the time they start going to school. Frequently we are not able to or are not willing to dedicate so much time and we try to compensate with material facilities. We then end up spending lots of money, and still the result is not great.

The first point about children is that in reality, children don't have many material needs. This may sound shocking, but actually what children need is love and attention from their parents. Because often one or two of these things are not given in enough quantity or quality, the need for different material objects from the part of the child is felt more strongly. One example of this is when we don't have time to spend with the child and try to compensate for it by giving him more toys. When we are able to spend time with the child, he or she will be happy with much less.

This is an important point to consider, because often when we plan to have a child we often plan how to increase our income, which leads to less time spent with the child. If we start from the opposite idea, making having more time to spend with the child a priority instead of making more money, we can have a much better experience and better results.

By the arrangement of nature, a child doesn't even need to eat. For the first six months or so, a child can live exclusively on the milk of the mother, which (apart from the food the mother eats) doesn't cost any money. After that, a child can start gradually eating the same food as the parents, like small portions of grains, boiled vegetables, fruits, cow's milk, and so on. If the parents have a relative health diet, the same food can gradually be given to the child, and because children eat little, this will also not cost much. If the parents give the baby proper natural food and a lot of love and attention, this child will grow happily as a devotee of Krsna and will not need much to live happily.

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If the parents have diets based on processed foods and other unhealthy things that can't be given to a baby, however, there will be the need of cooking separately for the child, which will take more time. One may then be tempted to start giving baby food. The problem with baby food, however, is that the quality is not great (in many cases it's not even vegetarian!) and it can be quite expensive. We can see that this is another instance when we try to exchange money for convenience, and again the results are not great. Baby food is just another type of processed food that is actually not healthy in the long term.

In modern society, quite a few shortcuts are offered. One that doesn't want to feel the pain of delivery can do a c-section. One who doesn't want to breastfeed can give formula. One who doesn't want to spend time with the baby can buy numerous toys and games and so on. All these options allow us to trade money for convenience, but the results are not good. Another problem is that a lot of times parents are pressed or manipulated to make the wrong choices, and this is also something we should be well aware of.

There are several traps on the way, and frequently one thing leads to the next. Everything starts when the baby is still inside the womb of the mother. In most places, there is great pressure for parents to opt for c-sections instead of natural birth. Many ladies are afraid of the pain of delivering a baby by natural means, and doctors often add to the pressure. One may hear that the baby is too big and that there will be a risk in a natural delivery (it seems that nowadays this is told to most women) and so on.

The truth is that a c-section is more convenient and much more lucrative to doctors and hospitals than a natural delivery. In a natural delivery, the doctor and a nurse have to stay with the woman for several hours, while a c-section takes just a few minutes and results in much higher honorariums. A woman who gives natural birth can leave the hospital the next day, while on a c-section she has to stay several days in the hospital. After a c-section, a baby has usually to stay under care for a few days, while on a natural delivery it can go to the mother almost immediately. All of this makes a c-section much more lucrative both to the doctors and to the hospital.

A c-section may be necessary in some circumstances when there is a real risk for the baby or the mother. However indiscriminate use has many negative consequences and actually causes much more pain to the mother than a natural delivery. Caring for a small baby right after giving birth is already a challenge by itself, and it becomes exponentially harder when you are simultaneously recovering from a cut on your abdomen.

The first problem is that when a baby is delivered by natural means, a series of signals are produced, which induce the body of the mother to immediately start producing milk. When it's a c-section, the production of milk may take several days to start, which will lead the baby to start losing weight. In most countries, the regulation is that a baby must be given formula if it loses more than 10% of the initial weight (which can take just a few days if the mother is not producing enough milk). Once the baby starts with formula, the chances of bringing him back to breastfeeding are greatly reduced.

Baby formula can be quite expensive, but this is not the only problem. A newborn baby has a very weak immune system, the baby depends in large part on antibodies received from the mother through breast milk. Formula can't reproduce it, and therefore a baby that is raised on formula will have a weaker immune system and will become sick more often, which can represent successive visits to the doctor. Babies born from a c-section are also usually born a few weeks before time, and this has an impact on the development of different organs (the lungs, for example, stop developing at the moment the baby starts breathing), and as a result, the baby can be weaker for life.

There are a number of techniques that can help to reduce the pain of a natural birth. There are numerous videos and courses on this subject that one can easily find online. Most of the pain during delivery happens because the mother becomes tense or scared, which makes the muscles contract, greatly complicating the process. When the mother understands what is happening and is able to remain relaxed, everything happens much easily and with much less pain. We can see that most animals give birth in quite an uneventful way, they just lay down and soon the cub comes. This happens because animals don't become tense or scared when giving birth.

Natural delivery and breastfeeding for at least the first full year guarantees that the baby has the best conditions for properly developing his body and mind, which he or she will need to understand the world and practice Krsna Consciousness later on. One should not deprive one's child of this just out of fear of discomfort or for aesthetic considerations or convenience.

Another factor is love and care. It's quite natural to love one's child, and this actually can help a lot in spiritual life, because once one is capable of loving a child, this helps one to understand what love for Krsna is. We tend to call sexual love between men and women "love", but this is a very different type of feeling that has a lot of egoism embedded in it. Love for a child is practically the only type of love in the material world that has some resemblance of pure love.

However, love alone is however not sufficient. One needs to be able to spend quality time with the child. This is also quite natural, the problem is that modern life and our own desires make us very busy and this leads us to try to find all kinds of solutions to keep the baby entertained, so we can keep him more time alone. Sometimes this may be out of necessity (when both parents need to work, or there are a lot of services to do), and others it may be due to personal ambitions or lack of organization, but in all cases, it will result in all kinds of problems. It's better to plan our lives in advance so that when the children come we can spend time with them. We should not let our personal ambitions stay on the way.

A final point is that most material things tend to come naturally because the child has his own karma. Just like Krsna provides for all living beings, from the elephants to the ants, He also provides for the children who take birth, making sure that they get what they need to develop. A child that is fortunate and is entitled to a good life will actually bring this good fortune to the family where he or she takes birth. As a result, money and other facilities will appear, even if we don't look for them. People give out things, opportunities appear, and money comes.

When devotees speak about family life they frequently speak in terms of sexual desire. The idea is often that if one has sexual desire he or she should get married, and if doesn't, there is no need for family life.

There is much more to it, however. This habit of equating the need for family life with the need for sex is actually the source of many problems that plague our movement and lead to many divorces.

The main question is that every soul needs relationships. That's why the position in the impersonal brahmajyoti is not stable: that's the place where there are no relationships. A soul may stay for a long time there, but eventually, the need for relationships brings him back to the material world.

Souls who are very advanced in the path of self-realization can satisfy this need for relationships in the spiritual platform, cultivating a relationship with Krsna in one of His innumerable forms and with His pure devotees. This is the eternal position of the soul, therefore when a soul reaches this stage he or she becomes fully satisfied and doesn't need the relationships from this material world. Such a soul may either follow the path of renunciation or enter into family life with the purpose of giving example, like in the cases of Srila Bhaktivinoda Thākura or Srila Prabhupada.

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Souls who are not so advanced can be divided into two categories. The first category is the souls who don't have yet awakened a personal relationship with Krsna and thus need to cultivate relationships in this material world. This is the case of most of us. Without relationships we are not stable, we become unhappy and this hampers our service to Krsna. Marriage is important in this connection because that's the place where we can cultivate relationships, being surrounded by the spouse, children, family members, and so on. This environment offers us an opportunity to develop the relationships we need, but in connection with Krsna. It offers us the opportunity of achieving a stable platform from which we can learn and progress.

Another category is composed of souls who are on the path of asceticism, being frustrated with life in this material world. They still didn't awakened their personal relationship with Krsna but are able to control their desires through austerity and renunciation. The problem with this path is that it can make one's heart quite dry. Most impersonalists try to achieve liberation through this path. Some Vaishnavas also do, but for us, it is a risky path, because if the heart becomes hard it becomes very difficult to relate to Krsna on a personal level, which can easily lead to impersonalism.

The scriptures equate family life with sex life in quite a few passages, but it's important to understand that the word "kama" used in this connection has a broader meaning than the word "sex". Kama applies to all kinds of material attraction, including material prosperity, family relationships, and so on. Sex is just a small part of it.

The word kāma is usually translated as "lust". Sometimes the word lust is used in the sense of sexual desire (lasciviousness), but it has also the connotation of an intense desire (eagerness, enthusiasm) or to describe intense longing (craving). One can thus be lusty for a pizza or ice cream, or even lusty for knowledge. When we adopt this broader definition for the word "lust", it becomes closer in significance to the word "kāma".

It's said that women are 9 times lustier than men. This doesn't mean necessarily that they have 9 times more sexual desire (men are frequently more into sex than women), but simply that their impulse in enjoying matter is stronger. The nine times stronger lust is manifested in things like eating, dressing, decorating the body, attracting attention, and so on.

The problem is that when these varieties of lust are applied outside of family life, they very quickly become problematic. A married woman dressing to keep her husband attracted to her is not bad, but a woman dressing in a provocative way to attract the attention of men is usually not so positive. Similarly, the lust for eating good food can be used to prepare quality food for the family, the lust for living in a beautiful place can be used to keep the house organized, and so on. Similarly, the sexual attraction of a man is used positively when he has a wife and the desire to beget a few children, but can be very destructive outside this context. When one has very strong lust and is not properly trained to use it in the context of family life, he or she can fall into very dangerous traps.

At a lower level, family life is the institution where lust can be engaged in a positive way, which is not contradictory to the development of Krsna Consciousness, avoiding the dangerous world of promiscuous relationships. At a higher level, family life is the field where we can learn to care about others and reduce our selfishness, two factors that are extremely important for our spiritual progress.

As we can see, the question is much more complex and it deals with factors that hide very deep into our consciousness. When we deal with the problem in an immature way, presenting family life as a mere process for satisfying sexual desire, we promote an immature attitude that can lead to all sorts of problems, leading to problematic relationships, unstable families, and divorces that can erode the very foundations of our spiritual communities.

Nowadays there is a tendency of devotees disagreeing or even trying to discredit passages from Srila Prabhupada that don't agree with their social upbringing. The problem is that when we study Prabhupada's books or hear from the spiritual master or other saintly persons with a spirit of challenge, we don't get much from it. The basic principle of parampara is to approach spiritual knowledge as a tabula rasa, discarding one's previous material conceptions.

Srila Prabhupada said many things that go against many values that are popular today, and most of it is simply because much of what many believe nowadays is just plain wrong, and the proof is all the troubles we can observe in modern societies. Popular values also change over time: many things that are normal today would be considered completely unacceptable 50 years ago, and 50 years from now will again become different. Prabhupada, on the other hand, speaks from a spiritual atemporal perspective, that transcends such changing values. The problem is that we often have our brains already molded to certain values and often find it very difficult to understand, especially when they choose to reject such explanations without even trying.

There are many such points, such as women being less intelligent, women being nine times lustier than men, women being like children, that girls should be married at 16, and so on, that may look exist or chauvinist at first, but that actually reveal quite obvious traces of human psychology that not many properly understand nowadays.

On SB 3.33.19, for example, Srila Prabhupada mentions:

"According to Manu, women, the fair sex, should not have independence at any stage of life. In childhood a woman must be under the protection of her parents, in youth she must be under the protection of the husband, and in old age, she must be under the protection of grown-up children. Devahūti demonstrated all these statements of the Manu-saṁhitā in her life: as a child, she was dependent on her father, later she was dependent on her husband, in spite of her opulence, and she was later dependent on her son, Kapiladeva."

One of the greatest problems in many societies is that unscrupulous men try to exploit women in different ways. We can see, for example, many cases of men who develop virtual relationships through social networks with vulnerable single ladies with the purpose of exploiting them financially, amongst many other examples.

Men are frequently much more interested in sex than in building relationships, while ladies are frequently the opposite, hankering for deeper relationships where they feel protected. The need for stable relationships goes very deep into women's psychology. It's extremely difficult for a lady to be alone.

Because hankering for a relationship is such an intrinsic part of the female psyche, ladies who don't have it become vulnerable to being exploited by men who learn how to seduce vulnerable ladies for sex or other purposes. After a lady is repeatedly cheated in this way, her heart becomes very hard, and this can have many negative consequences.

Ladies have a natural tendency to love and trust. We can easily notice this tendency in small girls who have loving parents. When properly cultivated, this tendency leads a lady to become a good wife and mother, qualities that combined with good spiritual guidance can easily give birth to love for Krsna. Love for Krsna is actually not such a difficult thing to develop, but it requires a soft heart.

This sequence is however only possible when ladies are properly treated. When a lady is repeatedly cheated, this propensity for loving and trusting is lost and she is deprived of the opportunity. Some men can make great spiritual progress by following the path of asceticism and renunciation, but these paths are very difficult for ladies and often lead to the opposite result. A lady whose heart becomes hard due to repeated betrayals by men thus loses her best chance of going back to Godhead in this life.

How can this be avoided?

That's what Prabhupada explains in this passage. If a lady is protected by a loving father during her youth, then by a loving husband in her adult age, and later by her grown-up sons in later age, her propensity for loving and trusting will be nourished and expanded. She will not only become a valuable asset to society but will also have the best chance of becoming a pure devotee of Krsna.

Loving wives and mothers are the backbone of any civilized society. It's not by chance that the Manu Sanhita mentions that a place where ladies are mistreated is permanently abandoned by the goddess of fortune. When ladies are neglected and mistreated they become selfish and bitter, which leads to all kinds of problems that destroy a community from the inside. We can observe that communities in our movement where ladies were not well treated in the past faced serious problems.

When Prabhupada says that a lady should not be given independence he implies that a lady should be protected at every stage of her life, and not that she should be treated like a slave or something similar. We should always take into consideration that Krsna Consciousness automatically implies treating everyone with the utmost respect. When such care and consideration are not present it quickly degrades into a demoniac exploitative culture, that we had the misfortune of observing in many episodes in our movement.

When one is being exploited, independence sounds like a good idea, but when one is being properly taken care of, independence sounds foolish. Because in most modern societies men are not properly trained to protect their daughters, wives, and mothers, ladies have to resort to being independent to protect themselves from exploitation, but when there is the opportunity, to be protected it is a much better deal. It is quite an obvious point.

One of the difficulties is that when men read such passages they think that they are already perfect and that the problem is with the ladies, who are not willing to surrender to them.

When a man has good qualities, is proper in his behavior, and is capable of properly protecting a wife in the material, psychological, and spiritual spheres, it is not very difficult to find ladies who will voluntarily want to surrender to him. He will then just have to be a little intelligent in his choice. The problem is that it is not so common to find such men nowadays.

In a society where all daughters, wives, and mothers would be properly protected, independent women would be considered foolish. Feminism and other similar philosophies look attractive only because men are not properly playing their roles. The solution for all these problems is thus not so much about bashing the ladies, but more about properly training the men.

This brings us to the point of generating good children and properly educating them, which Srila Prabhupada also approaches in his writings, and that we may discuss another day. Proper men don't grow in trees: they have to be trained from the beginning.

All these ideas are explored in Prabhupada's teachings, but not everyone is capable of understanding them.

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Is marriage detrimental for spiritual life? If we study the scriptures, especially the Srimad Bhāgavatam, we can find many passages speaking negatively about family life, and recommending renounced life as a better path for the ones who are serious about self-realization. Taking this into consideration, would it not be better to just skip the idea altogether and instead use the time for improving our spiritual practice and go back to Godhead sooner, instead of getting bogged down in family life?

This question has two sides.

One side is that one who is genuinely renounced, bringing experience and renunciation from past lives, may do better if he skips married life since he will be able to use properly his time to cultivate his natural practice. This is, in general, the path recommended scriptures for spiritually advanced transcendentalists.

However, one who is not on this platform will have a hard time controlling his mind. Not only he will be forced to spend much of his energy just repressing his nature, but will probably end up developing an unhealthy relationship with the opposite sex. This will not only be a hazard to his mental health but will also undermine his spiritual practice since he will be spending most of his energy just repressing his mind and senses. Devotees in this situation can end up developing many different mental issues and not advancing very swiftly trying to follow a renounced life. Because in this case one is not fixed, there is also a great danger of falling down at any moment.

We can see that in the Bhagavad-gita Krsna offers two paths for controlling the senses: acting according to one's nature and experiencing a higher taste, and conversely condemns the path of simple repression. Advanced devotees experience this higher taste and thus lose interest in sense gratification. For one who is not on this platform, the path of regulated action following one's nature (following the system of karma-yoga) is the proper path.

When one is starting in spiritual life, there is a phase of great enthusiasm, that one can use to slingshot his spiritual life, by associating with seniors, distributing books and performing other services, studying the scriptures, traveling to the holy places, or even spending a period living in an asrama. After this initial enthusiasm wanes and the mind starts to give trouble, it's important to receive experienced guidance and make the transition to family life.

There are three platforms one can live on:

a) Truly spiritual

b) Pious

c) Sinful

Marriage exists to help people who are in a sinful platform to progress to a pious platform and from there have a chance of attaining a truly spiritual platform, opening the path for attaining true renunciation in the end.

We like to think of ourselves as very advanced, pure devotees, but the truth is that most of us come from very sinful backgrounds. We are not on the first platform but on the third. We are sinful persons who are trying to be devotees of Krsna. As a result, most of us are not capable of maintaining a truly spiritual platform yet. At the same time, without a good spouse, chances are we will not be able to maintain a pious platform either.

We can see frequently that men who refuse to marry, thinking that it's Maya or because they fear the responsibility end up just having affairs with different ladies, and ladies who have a similar mentality end up just having affairs with different men. This is the symptom of one who is not in a spiritual platform, but actually in a sinful platform. As Srila Prabhupāda explains, a sinful person can't approach God.

Marriage is an institution that exists exactly to help one ascend from a sinful to a pious platform, where he has a better chance of successfully practicing Krsna Consciousness and going back to Godhead.

Radhanatha Maharaja used to say to his married disciples: "Take care of this marriage as if your spiritual life depended on it because it does!" It may sound like a joke, but it's very true. For many of us, a successful marriage is practically the only chance we have for maintaining a pious life and being able to go back to Godhead in this life.

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Most of us will have children at some point in our lives. Nowadays people have a fear of having children, but when they come, very few regret it. In the Vedas is explained that happiness (even in a material sense) comes from performing our duties, not from running from them. We can see that in the Bhagavad-Gita Arjuna wanted to avoid his duty to fight, but Krsna warned him that it would just bring him frustration. Similarly, begetting and educating children is one of the main duties for someone who is not in renounced life. One doesn't gain anything from trying to avoid it.

Raising a child is actually quite a natural experience, but there are a series of traps that can make this experience difficult.

The first thing to avoid in our personal experience is a c-section. Nowadays many doctors try to push it (it is easier and more lucrative for them) but it can make your experience much harder. When a baby is born by normal delivery, a lot of transformations go around in the body, which makes the mother bound with the baby (even milk production is affected by it). All of this prepares the mother to take care of the baby. Physical recovery in a normal delivery is also much faster, and it doesn't prevent the mother from starting to take care of the child. In the case of c-sections however, the mother takes around 6 weeks to heal, and it's quite challenging to take care of a child with a cut in the abdomen. The mother will also have more difficulty bonding with the child, which can lead to postpartum depression and other problems. It can also affect the production of milk, leading to the use of formula. This can create a vicious cycle since when the baby starts taking formula it's harder to go back to breastfeeding. A child grown on formula will have a weaker immune system and therefore become sick more often, which is also stressful. As you can see, it can lead to a series of events that will make parenting much harder. C-sections are necessary in some cases, where there is danger for the child or the mother, but they should be avoided as far as possible. There are many breathing exercises as well as psychological preparations that make the delivery much easier. We strongly recommend that you spend some time looking for videos or courses in this regard. Nowadays this information is easily available.

We also strongly recommend trying to find a doula who can help with the delivery and can help with good advice in the first days. Even if a devotee is not available, any experienced one will do. The doula can accompany the mother during the delivery and help her remember what to do. Both the mother and the father are emotionally involved in the situation and thus may not be able to think clearly.

After the baby comes, there are also many questions. We just don't know what to do, and the doula can also help at this point, by teaching how to properly do things what to be concerned about, and what not. The doctors and nurses rarely have time to do this and most of us nowadays don't have experienced people around to help us. Before people used to live in extended families and there were always grandparents, aunties, and other relatives to help, but nowadays we frequently don't have this luxury.

Another serious mistake we can make is to not reserve sufficient time for looking after the child. Nowadays people think that they can just stay the first month with the child and then find some daycare to take care of the baby while we continue pursuing our ambitions. This is quite unnatural and can create many different problems. Daycare, formula, and other facilities that allow us to "save" time by neglecting our babies usually cost a lot of money. It's much better to just plan things in a different way, so the mother can just stay with the child instead of working. By taking care of our baby we avoid many expenses and reduce the need for money, which is usually the reason for having to work in the first place.

We think that it may be not necessary to spend time with the baby in the first two or three years because the baby is too young to remember anyway, but it is actually the opposite. The Vedas explain that the first years of the life of a child are the most crucial for his or her development. That's the age a child is supposed to live in a happy environment, being cared for by both parents. The father may have to go out to work, of course, but at least the mother should be always with the child. What happens at that time is stored not in a conscious level, but in an unconscious level, completely molding the way this child sees the world. A child who is neglected at this age can have very serious difficulties later, including a lack of trust in the parents, difficulty trusting authorities, low self-esteem, a sense of unhappiness, and so on. Being stored at a subconscious level, these impressions will be extremely difficult to remove later, even with therapy. Lack of proper care in the first years may also slow the mental and physical development of the child. The first year is especially important.

The Vedas explain that the child should be very well cared for in the first 4 or 5 years, being loved by the parents and properly looked after. At this age, parenting is relatively easy because there is not much need to discipline the child, it's more about giving sufficient attention and teaching basic skills and values. At this age, children are educated not so much by telling them what to do (which is usually ineffective at this age) but by the example of the parents. The child will just learn to imitate what the parents are doing. Being exemplary and consistent is essential at this age. Apart from that it is not very hard, we just need to feed and clean the child, and play with him or her, just keeping safe limits.

If the child is properly cared for at this age, he or she will have a much better foundation to deal with the challenges of life, and a much more productive relationship with the parents, teachers, and other authorities, which will make everything much easier. Children who feel neglected at a younger age, on the other hand, will be programmed to distrust authority, and this will lead to many problems later, especially in the teenage years, which can cause a lot of frustration.

The care from the mother and father is complementary. It's not possible for the mother to replace or make up for the lack of attention from the father and vice-versa. The mother is responsible for giving security and self-esteem to the child, while the father helps the child to develop and explore the world. The mother gives security and the father gives freedom, so to speak. Nowadays children being cared for by only the mother are becoming the rule, instead of the exception, but this can have serious consequences in their development.

Almost everyone in Western countries is more or less crazy nowadays, and this has a lot to do with what happens to us in the first years. For us, the damage is probably already done and he has to just live with it, but we may prefer to give something better to our children.

Some may want to take the easy way and decide that since life is so difficult nowadays and there are so many things that can go wrong it's better to avoid bringing a child into this world, but they don't think about what the child would prefer. Would you prefer that your parents had decided like that?

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The whole purpose of family life in Krsna consciousness is to advance spiritually. When a materialistic person enters into family life, he is called “grhamedhi”, because his idea is to just increase his sense enjoyment. On the other hand, a devotee is called “grihastha” because his goal is to advance spiritually. His family life is an ashrama, a base from which to advance to higher spheres of devotional service.

The difficulty of family life in Krsna Consciousness is that it involves combining two things that may look incompatible at first: taking care of the material needs of a family and practicing a spiritual process.

Frequently we see these as two separate things, and as a result, we focus on one to the detriment of the other: or we take good care of our families but forget Krsna, or become very serious about sadhana and other aspects of devotional life but neglecting our families.

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I remember once speaking with a second-generation devotee who narrated how sometimes his mother would be very engaged in serving in the temple and as a result, neglect taking care of the house, and how this led him to grow up having a negative image of devotees, seeing them as rivals for the attention of his mother, something that took him a long time to get over with. Many of us may commit similar mistakes.

What is the solution then? Considering our limited attention span, how can we do both things simultaneously? As always, the Bhagavad-Gita can give us some insight.

During the first chapters, Krsna explains the concept of karma-yoga, executing one's duties as an offering to Him. This concept is extremely valuable for householders (and for everyone for that matter) because it directly applies to our practical lives.

While some may practice spiritual life in solitude, as renounced persons, most of us are not ready for it. According to the teachings of Srila Prabhupada and Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura, this is not even very much recommended, since in most cases it just leads to one becoming an impostor, playing the role of a babaji just to get some cheap adoration from the public, while secretly cultivating bad habits and illicit relationships.

Instead, we are advised to perform our material duties, according to the asrama we are in, executing these activities as an offering to Krsna. In this way, the same way a sannyasi follows the principles of his asrama, such as keeping clean, avoiding association with women, and living simply, a householder should also practice the principles of his asrama, such as educating his children, doing it with the idea of satisfying Krsna by his efforts.

When we see our family life as being separated from our spiritual practice, the tendency is to pick a side, according to what we consider most important. However, when we see family life as part of our service to Krsna, as an offering to Him, it becomes much easier to reconcile the two worlds.

This is not just some kind of white lie we are told, but actually the truth. Family life means taking care of other souls Krsna sends as our wives, husbands, and children. All these souls are important to Him, and He becomes pleased when we properly take care of them, performing this service as an offering to him. When we do that, we can reconcile the two sides, taking proper care of our family, and at the same time remembering Krsna. When we learn this art our lives become much more successful, and our families become a catalyst to our spiritual practice instead of an impediment.

Of course, a crucial factor is the choice of our spouse. It's not easy to perform our family duties as an offering to Krsna when the husband or wife is not a devotee and the children are not at all interested in spiritual life.

How to find a serious and reliable devotee to become our wife or husband? The first step is to work on ourselves. If we ourselves are materialists, chances are we are going to find another materialist to be our spouse, or even if we find a good devotee, he or she will be forced to act as a materialist to keep the marriage in one piece. The more we work on ourselves and on our expectancies before the marriage, the best is going to be our chances of finding a good person. When our idea is to serve and not to exploit, it becomes easier to find someone who is sincere and has similar goals in spiritual life, with whom we can easily cooperate.

Many devotees choose their partners simply based on superficial attraction, which is a serious mistake. The scriptures alert that love marriage in kali-yuga is considered inauspicious since people don’t know how to properly choose a partner, and thus base their decision merely on sexual attraction. As Srila Prabhupada phrases: "I like you. You like me. That's all right. Let us live together." Things work much better when we choose a partner based on the similarity of goals and interests and mutual affinity.

To be too sexually attracted to someone is actually not a good signal, because it can easily make one lose his intelligence, which is counterproductive in family life. One’s behavior can increase the influence of eighter the mode of goodness, passion, or ignorance in the partner. One should look for a partner who inspires him or her in the direction of the mode of goodness, inspiring calmness, peace, responsibility, etc. If a person makes us feel passionate or gets on our nerves, it is probably not a good choice.

We can see that, in most countries, divorces are becoming more and more common. Marriages between devotees are even more complicated than between regular people because, on top of emotional compatibility, there should be also spiritual compatibility. If one has views on spiritual life that are opposed to the other, if their goals or values in spiritual life are too different, etc. the relationship may not survive, even if they are otherwise compatible. Both should have similar goals and priorities in spiritual life and similar values and mentalities, being thus able to cooperate in harmony. Astrology is a tool to evaluate basic mental compatibility, but it should not be employed as the only factor in the decision.

Another problem is that often when one tries to find a partner, the mind and senses become agitated, the mode of passion takes over and it’s very difficult to remain sober and to make an objective decision. The mind plays tricks, leading to all kinds of mistakes and erratic behavior.

The best way to find a good partner, at least in my experience, is with the help of a serious senior devotee who has sufficient experience and agrees to help, someone whom you trust. Temple presidents and other local authorities are usually not the best choice, because in their case there is frequently a conflict of interests. A local authority may suggest someone whom he wants to keep in the yatra, for example. In this particular situation, It's better to approach someone who is not involved with administration. As mentioned, the main consideration should be trust, and nothing else. Institutional pressure should have no place in it.

In previous eras, the parents used to do this, but in our current spiritual society, we depend on our seniors for help and guidance. We know that everything is controlled by Krsna, but a lot of times we forget that He likes to act through His devotees.

A good approach for a senior willing to help in this sense is to first separately talk with the potential partners about their views and priorities in spiritual life, their expectations in family life, and their ideas about common topics, like where to live, how to run the house, who is going to work, if there will be netflix or not, how to educate the children, etc. By getting this type of information, the mentor can see to which extent they are compatible in terms of lifestyle and goals and from there try to give them good advice. If there is good compatibility in values, ideals, and goals, the match can be considered good. If not, he may present the potential difficulties and allow the couple to decide. If they decide to go ahead, they should also be instructed about how to start and conduct the relationship in a proper way, get advice about difficulties they may face, and so on.

If this process is done properly, Vedic astrology can be used to confirm the conclusions. If there is a similarity in values, ideals, and goals, and the couple can get along well, the match should also be astrologically good. If a match appears to be good, but astrology says it’s bad, then the matter should be considered more carefully, since something may be wrong.

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One problem we have in our movement (and in modern society in general) is that it is difficult for women to find a proper husband and become settled in family life. There are of course many men interested in associating with ladies, but when it comes the time to accept responsibilities, most of them shy away. We see that even qualified ladies frequently find it difficult to get married. Another problem is that getting married is also not a guarantee of anything, since divorces are also very common. Even if a lady does find a husband, there is no guarantee that this man will stay her whole life with her.

In traditional societies, association with ladies is conditioned to marriage. If a man wants a lady, he has to get a wife and accept responsibility for maintaining a family. In modern societies, however, men and women associate freely, and this reduces the number of people interested in entering into a stable relationship. As Prabhupada explains, one will not want to maintain a cow if he can just get milk from the market.

Theoretically, we are supposed to be traditional in our movement, with marriage being the only acceptable way of having a loving relationship, but we can see that in practice we more or less follow the general culture, with people dating and entering into relationships without necessarily having the intention of getting married. In this way, the problem ends up affecting us in the same way it affects people from the outside.

Another problem is that nowadays we have more ladies than men coming to our movement. In some countries, the proportion may still be more or less the same, but when we take it globally, especially in countries like China and Russia, there are definitely more women than men. Ideally, devotees should marry devotees, and a lady should try to marry a man who is more mature, and more spiritually advanced than herself, who can guide her on the path back to Godhead. However, we can see that nowadays this is quite rare. Most ladies have to choose between marrying whatever devotee man is available, marrying someone from the outside, or risking remaining single for life.

In such a situation, many ladies end up marrying men who are not devotees. I used to think of this as a terrible thing, but over the years I saw a few cases that changed my opinion to a certain extent.

We frequently think of the division between "devotees" and "non-devotees" as a black-and-white distinction, but in reality, it is more like a multitude of gradations of gray. Not all "devotees" are very pious or devotional, and not all "non-devotees" are completely bad. We can frequently see that devotees often show quite negative qualities, while some "non-devotees" are actually quite pious and good-natured. Usually, these are people who are not atheists, but "spiritual but not religious" people who have some faith in God, but don't identify with any particular religious process, or who are non-practicing Christians or Muslims. Such men often value having a wife who is serious about practicing a spiritual process, even if they themselves are not practicing. This can lead to workable marriages, where the husband supports the lady in her practice and is favorable to the children receiving spiritual education, even while he is not directly practicing. The tendency in such families, however, is that gradually the husband also becomes a devotee over time, due to association.

The secret here is maturity. A lady who is fanatic and attached to externals will not work in this situation, but a lady who is more mature in her spiritual practice and can understand the difference between primary and secondary principles may find ways to adjust. Many people are nowadays vegetarian, and many will also not be against avoiding alcohol and drugs, as well as gambling, but of course, the fourth principle may be a problem in such cases. One will have to be flexible in this regard, and try to find some compromise, operating under the principle of being attentive to the partner's needs instead of strictly following a fixed set of rules.

Some argue that polygamy could be a solution to this problem of having more ladies than men, but as we discussed in a previous article, I believe this can cause more problems than it can solve. We can see that the final decision of Prabhupada was against it, and by studying the pros and cons we can easily understand why he decided so. More ladies than men in our movement also leads to serial polygamy (men divorcing and remarrying) which is in many senses even worse than regular polygamy, because it leads to abandoned women and neglected children. Devotee ladies marrying pious men from the outside and gradually making them devotees sound like a better idea. Even if there is a shortage of men in our movement, there are 4 billion men outside, and some of them are pious. I believe this is a possibility that could be better discussed.

Married life is always a compromise anyway, with even the most serious devotees having difficulties following a path of complete pure devotion in family life. In many cases, it may be easier to practice spiritual life with a partner who is supportive although not practicing very seriously, than with a judgmental or abusive "devotee" husband.

One of the difficulties most of us have in the spiritual path is sexual desire. We can see that sex is what makes the world turn. Movies and songs are made about it, it’s used to sell all kinds of products, it’s the central focus of all kinds of stories and adventures, and so on. There is gross sex, related to the physical act, and subtle sex, related to romanticism. Men are generally more attracted to the first, while women frequently are more into the latter, but in one format or another, both genders are into it. In material life, people often desire and hanker for sex and romantic relationships until their last breath. People try to remain attractive as long as possible, look for symbols of status, try to look fashionable, intelligent, etc. everything to maximize their chances of finding attractive partners. That’s the most central and deep attachment we have to this material world, the most basic instinct for enjoying material energy.

Not only sexual desire, in a gross or subtle form, is the deepest material desire and usually the hardest to give up, but it is usually also the main cause of problems our spiritual movement faced over the years, without even speaking about the personal problems it can cause. Sexual desire when misapplied can lead to illicit affairs, divorces, bad marriages, fall-downs of leaders, and so on. The gross form of it is already a formidable enemy, and even when one can surpass it, there’s still the subtle attraction to the company and attention of the opposite sex, which is an even more formidable challenge.

From all our anarthas and material contaminations, that’s one of the last to go away. We can see that even in the early days of our movement, when devotees were very determined in the spiritual path and very surrendered to Srila Prabhupada, still many would fall into illicit relationships, would divorce and remarry, etc. Srila Prabhupada once commented that devotees could easily follow three of the principles, but had trouble with this last one.

Is there any easy way to control sexual desire, or do we all have to wait until we become pure devotees?

We all know that the recommended path for one who has trouble controlling his sexual urge is family life. However, the point that is frequently misunderstood is that there is a process to control sexual desire inside family life. It is not something automatic.

The idea given in the scriptures is that sex should be used to conceive children. This may sound like a very revolutionary idea, but if we think logically, is not difficult to understand that children are the natural result of sexual relationships. It is like that on all species of life, and it would be strange if only humans would be different. The central idea offered in the scriptures is that by using this sexual energy to beget a few children, one has a chance of evolving from a platform of mere desire for personal satisfaction to a platform of care and love for others, which is much more conducive for spiritual advancement. This is also a path to happiness: Children are actually the greatest fun of family life, it's said that family life without children is like a desert, where there is no happiness.

When one has a child he or she automatically becomes less concerned with his personal needs and more concerned with the needs of the child. This helps one to progress to a platform of care and duty. When we start to care for others, we automatically become distracted from our personal needs. One who is caring for a child will have much less propensity to become victimized by the negative effects of sex urges.

Strictly speaking, the recommendation of the scriptures is for couples to have union one time per month, after the menstrual period (starting from the 6th day). Couples that are trying to beget a child are recommended to have union from the 12th to the 16th day (according to the fertile days), and couples that are not in a hurry may do it on different days according to their plans. One is recommended to chant 50 rounds on the day he tries to conceive, inviting an advanced Vaishnava to take shelter in the womb. However, even if one can't follow these recommendations, still family life offers a path to advancement. As long as one stays faithful to his partner, the sex urge is going to reduce over time. We can see practically, even in secular couples, that after a few years, the urge is not so strong. It's actually not so common to find couples (even amongst non-devotees) who, after several years of marriage, still have relationships more than once per month. We can see that family life is the tried and true process of controlling sexual urges. The main point is to develop a good relationship and not divorce. If one divorces, he goes back to square one.

Apart from being socially disruptive, another reason why divorces are considered sinful is that they sabotage our own spiritual advancement, making us go back to the beginning, back to the platform of looking for partners to satisfy our sexual needs. One of the definitions of dharma is what connects us with our original spiritual nature. Marriage in Krsna consciousness is considered dharmic because it helps us to use our material desires and aspirations in a way that is not contradictory to our spiritual advancement, while divorce breaks this process, apart from other problems it brings.

It's well known that the Vedas mention cases of polygamy. It's mentioned that this practice was common in previous ages since many men would remain as lifelong celibates, as brahmacaris and later sannyasis, and thus not enter into family life, just like many others would die in wars. In this way, the female population in Vedic societies would be almost always greater than the male population available for marriage, and the problem would be solved by some men marrying more than one woman. It’s different from how it’s done in most societies nowadays, but it should be respected, especially considering how it worked for thousands of years.

Another practice that is also described, although less common is polyandry, or one woman marrying more than one husband, like in the case of Draupadi marrying the five Pandavas, or Marisa, the daughter of Kandu and Pramloca, who married the ten Pracetas.

According to Srila Prabhupada in his purport to ŚB 4.30.16, in previous ages sometimes a woman would marry a man together with his brothers, as in the case of both Draupadi and Marisa. This practice is still practiced in villages of Tibet, usually with the purpose of avoiding dividing the land possessed by the family.

“In special instances, however, it is found that a woman has more than one husband. Draupadī, for instance, was married to all of the five Pāṇḍava brothers. Similarly, the Supreme Personality of Godhead ordered all the sons of Prācīnabarhiṣat to marry the one girl born of the great sage Kaṇḍu and Pramlocā. In special cases, a girl is allowed to marry more than one man, provided she is able to treat her husbands equally. This is not possible for an ordinary woman. Only one who is especially qualified can be allowed to marry more than one husband.” (ŚB 4.30.16)

Since polygamy and polyandry are mentioned in the Vedas, should we also start practicing it? Not so fast...

Actually, both polygamy and polyandry are largely practiced in modern societies, including inside our spiritual society, in the form of divorces and remarriages, which are nothing more than forms of serial polygamy and polyandry. A man has several wives, and a woman has several husbands, although not at the same time. This is however not sanctioned in the scriptures.

Another point is that although practiced in previous ages, polyandry is forbidden in Kali-Yuga. The injunction from the scriptures is kalau pañca vivarjayet: In this age, a woman is forbidden to marry her husband’s brother. Even in previous ages, cases like Draupadi and Marisa were exceptions and not the rule. Such marriages would be allowed only in special circumstances, in the case of extraordinarily qualified ladies who would be able to treat all their husbands equally.

What about polygamy? Although generally allowed in the scriptures, polygamy is not considered the best standard. Vedic culture values spiritual progression and detachment, and polygamy is not an efficient way to achieve eighter.

For a man to accept more than one wife he has to be able to acquire a lot of material facilities to provide separate houses, servants, and ornaments for each wife, as well as to provide for all of their children. Ksatriyas and successful Vaisyas could do that, but other men would be seriously pressed to fulfill all these obligations. In our day and age that's especially ludicrous, since most men can't even properly maintain even one wife.

We can also see that, although allowed, polygamy was the source of many problems, even in previous ages. The whole pastime of Dhruva Maharaja started with a King who had two wives. One wife was envious of the other and wanted to make her son the next king, instead of the older son of the first wife. The king fell under the control of the second wife and thus neglected his older son. Another example is the story of Yayati, who ended up being cursed when Devayani became angry at him becoming more attracted to Sharmistha.

People in previous ages were much more qualified and self-controlled than now. We could just imagine what kind of problems we would have if these practices became widespread in our current society. Although Prabhupada mentions the practice of polygamy in his books, mentioning it as common in bygone ages as part of the Vedic culture, his final decision was that it should not be practiced in our spirtual society, since our purpose is to become detached from this world, and not to increase our attachment. Srila Prabhupada also acknowledged the potential problems associated with it.

We can see that although polygamy is mentioned in the sastras, the highest example is given by Lord Rama, who had only one wife. Polygamy was offered as a concession for men who were too lusty, as well as a way to solve the problem of lack of marriable men in previous ages. Nowadays men who can adequately take care of more than one wife are extraordinarily rare, practically inexistent, and in many societies the male population is now larger (like in China and India), therefore polygamy is not necessary in current societies, and it is not even a good idea, especially inside spiritual societies. We can only imagine the problems we would have faced in Iskcon in the 1980s and 1990s for example, if on top of all the scandals and problems we faced, there would also be polygamy.

Another side however is that we should also avoid serial polygamy and polyandry. Nowadays divorces have become very common, but this doesn't make them any less serious. Stable couples and children growing up under the care of both parents are essential for the health of any civilized society. Children need to grow up with both parents.

In his book The Great Transcendental Adventure, Kurma Prabhu summarizes different passages and discussions between Srila Prabhupada and his disciples regarding polygamy, which reveal insight into his way of thinking and explains his final decision on the matter:

“Lately, Srila Prabhupada had been corresponding with his senior disciples on a controversial topic -- polygamy. Karandhara had broached the subject with Srila Prabhupada, one month previously. Prabhupada had answered Karandhara's inquiry by first describing its historical roots.

According to our Vedic process, polygamy is allowed. For example, Krishna married sixteen thousand wives, Arjuna married three or four wives, Krishna's father, Vasudeva, married sixteen or eighteen wives, like that. So according to the Vedic system, polygamy is not prohibited, but it is not a farce also. Every wife must be provided for sufficiently. Krishna married sixteen thousand wives, but each wife was provided a palace, and He was personally present at each palace. It does not mean to marry many wives and maintain none of them. If anyone is able to keep more than one wife and give them all comforts of life there is no objection for having more than one wife. But if he creates trouble by marrying, he should not marry even one wife. This is my judgment.

Prabhupada cautioned Karandhara that before even considering it as a modern option, he should take into consideration the circumstances of the law of the country, the customs of the people, and especially both the reputation of the Krsna consciousness movement, and the example it would set for the future. The Vedic system of marriage, Prabhupada explained, was given by Krsna so that nondevotees could be eventually elevated to devotees. But as far as those who were already devotees were concerned, "minimisation of sex to the point of nil" was the primary concern. Prabhupada did concede, though, that as well as maintaining a class of men who do not marry, an ideal society also required a class of men to protect the excessive population of unmarried women. Under those circumstances, it was advisable that men who were able to maintain more than one wife should do so, to free other men to remain celibate.

Prabhupada added a warning:
You must consider very carefully the possibility of becoming scandalised in the public for breaking their laws in this way.

In the future, also, the devotees who are neophyte may not understand our policy and we could gradually wind up attracting only a class of men who are very eager for unlimited sex life only. These things must be avoided at all costs.

The letter to Karandhara had been widely circulated and discussed in various forums, and had led to some confusion amongst devotees. Now in Melbourne, Prabhupada again wrote to Karandhara with his final decisions on the subject:

I have received your letter of concerning polygamy and feel that this policy must be strictly prohibited within our society. If it is not, it shall only cause chaos, as what was possible under the system of pure Vedic culture is impossible at the present time.

To Satsvarupa dasa Goswami he wrote:
Regarding your various questions, first let us understand that polygamy cannot be permitted in our society. Legally it is impossible and neither are there many of our devotees who are prepared to assume the responsibility for many wives. Therefore, as I have suggested previously, as they do in the Christian religion they have so many convents where the women stay and they receive protection. The point is that the women must be protected, and it is the duty of the leaders of our society to see that this is carried out.”
("The Great Transcendental Adventure", HG Kurma Prabhu)

The definition of illicit sex is a kind of hot potato in our spiritual society. We all promise to our spiritual masters to not have ”illicit sex” after initiation but it seems that few can agree on what exactly it means.

This is a subject that was seriously abused in the past. It resulted in so many problems that it became some kind of hot topic. Some say that all sex is bad and therefore sex must be avoided even inside family life, while others go to the opposite extreme, saying that as long as one doesn’t jump the fence, anything goes. The right measure must be between these two extremes, but where?

First of all, to define what illicit sex is, we need to define what "legal sex" is. In the Bhagavad-Gita, Krsna proclaims "I am sex life which is not contrary to religious principles, O lord of the Bhāratas [Arjuna]." This makes clear that not all sex life is condemned, there is a type of sexual activity that is divine and is actually a representation of Krsna. In many passages, Srila Prabhupada explains that this is sex life with one's legally married spouse, with the purpose of conceiving children who will be educated in Krsna Consciousness. I believe not many will disagree that we can accept this as the golden standard. Armed with this information, we can try to analyze what "illicit sex" is.

In most societies, sex outside of marriage is condemned, especially when one starts to casually have contact with multiple partners. Such type of behavior can destroy families, cause unwanted pregnancies, contribute to the spread of disease, and many other problems. I believe not many will disagree that this is negative and should be avoided.

However there is a gray area, that is sex inside family life, done without the explicit purpose of begetting children. This is the area where heated discussions frequently appear.

The first point to consider is that sex inside family life, even without the explicit purpose of begetting children is not the same as promiscuous sex outside of marriage. Some would agree that both can be considered "illicit sex" if we take the definition literally, however, I believe few would disagree that one is much less serious than the other.

In this way, we have a definition for the golden standard of legal sex (inside family life, for conceiving children), a definition of what is clearly "illicit sex" (promiscuous sex outside family life), and also a gray area, that is sex inside family life, done with the use of contraceptive methods, or without the purpose of begetting a child.

Compared to promiscuous sex outside family life, sex "for fun" inside family life is much less serious, however, it also has its downsides. To which extent one will try to avoid it will be a personal decision, but here we can discuss a few points about it, and also a few ideas about how it may be possible to avoid it.

First, we need to understand the basic psychology of it. The thing is that both men and women have an attraction to sex, the problem is that they are attracted in different ways. A man is more attracted in the physical sense, he just wants to go to the act itself. A woman, on the other hand, is attracted to it in a more romantic way (restaurant, flowers, chocolate, etc.) the physical act is just the culmination of a sequence of events that allows her to enjoy different sensations. At the beginning of the relationship, men are usually more chivalrous and gentle, so both parties are more or less satisfied, but, as time goes on, the man starts to want sex in a more rough and automatic way, which makes the woman feel used. The woman then starts to refuse (or give in to the advances of the husband, but demanding things in return, acting in the line of “since he is exploiting me, let me exploit him also”), which in turn also makes the man dissatisfied. From this, other problems surface.

To base a marital relationship exclusively on sex, as people are stimulated to do nowadays, is not really a good idea. As Srila Prabhupada comments: “Man and woman both seek sexual enjoyment, and when they are united by the ritualistic ceremony of marriage, they are happy for some time, but finally there is dissension, and thus there are so many cases of separation and divorce. Although every man and woman is actually eager to enjoy life through sexual unity, the result is disunity and distress.” (SB 7.13.26)

For devotees, the question is even more complicated. Devotees are attracted to spiritual life, it’s there where they find bliss and happiness. Sex for fun on the other hand drags us down to the bodily platform and reinforces our anarthas and lower qualities. As previously mentioned, Krsna explains in the Bhagavad-gita that He is sex life that is not contrary to religious principles. To conceive children following the proper process, with the goal of training them to be pure devotees of the Lord is divine. Emperors in previous ages used to have hundreds of children, and this would not be contradictory to their spiritual practice. The problem is that modern society tries to separate sexual pleasure from child conception, especially through the use of contraceptive methods. This is where the real problem resides.

Another problem is that the subtle energy of the male body is concentrated in the semen. In the Ayurveda, it’s explained that to produce just a few drops of semen the body is forced to use a monumental amount of subtle energy, which reduces the intelligence, weakens the health, and saps the vigor of a man. A man who loses semen frequently can become weak, both mentally and physically, and therefore incapable of controlling his senses. It can quickly become a snowball effect, where one becomes mentally weak because of frequent sex, and being mentally weak, he loses the capacity to control his senses and therefore can’t stop. On top of that, no woman will respect a man who is frequently chasing her for sex, which further complicates the issue.

On the other hand, by preserving his semen a man nourishes his mental and spiritual strength, and improves his intelligence, manifesting his full potential. He becomes more enthusiastic, blissful, and energetic. That’s why brahmacharis are frequently very attractive to ladies. But, if they marry and become addicted to sex, they can very quickly lose these good qualities. They become morose, weak, indecisive, lazy, and mental. The lady then gets frustrated and questions: “Where is that strong man whom I married!?”. The answer is, frequently, that he ejaculated all his intelligence and vitality. Therefore, it’s in the lady’s own interest to help her husband preserve his semen and keep his good qualities.

If we accept that this can be a problem, the next question is: How can it be avoided? Judging by the many situations we see around us, it doesn't seem so easy. Many will argue that it can even create worse problems when it's improperly done.

As in other aspects of family life, this requires cooperation. On the man's side, there is the need to practice spiritual life and develop a higher taste. A man who doesn't properly chant his rounds will have difficulty controlling his senses, for example. However, the wife also plays an important role in it.

Interestingly enough, the way for a lady to help her husband deal with his carnal propensities is not to be cold, distant, harsh, and insensitive, but to be very loving, caring, supportive, and at the same time shy and modest. These qualities nourish the mode of goodness in the man, which stimulates him to be sensitive, protective, calm, and self-situated. Shyness and modesty make a lady look very attractive but in a good sense. As Srila Prabhupada explains: “This shyness is a gift of nature to the fair sex, and it enhances their beauty and prestige, even if they are of a less important family or even if they are less attractive” (SB 1.10.16). This is also explained in his purport to SB 3.23.2.

Conversely, if the lady dresses and behaves in a sensuous way, always hankering for different things, she stimulates the mode of passion in the man, which leads to illicit or unregulated sex and materialistic life, creating a situation that is hardly favorable for spiritual advancement. Finally, if she is harsh, intolerant, unclean, restless, and bad-behaved, she stimulates the mode of ignorance in the man, leading to quarrels, destructive behavior, and aggression.

Actually, for a wife to mistreat her husband and speak in a harsh way to him is practically unheard of in other eras (we can see that even demons and rakshasas like Ravana and Hiranyakashipu had chaste wives and were kind to them, despite being terrible with everyone else). That’s one of the symptoms of Kali-yuga, described in the Brahma Vaivarta Purana (4.90.38): “The wife will treat her husband like her servant. She will always rebuke him and make him tremble in fear.”

With the exception of men who are spiritually advanced, practically all men have the need for domination. This is another facet of married life that needs to be understood. The scriptures speak a lot about female chastity and so on, and this has a purpose. If a lady is not submissive and allows the man to dominate in certain aspects, he will feel the need to dominate in the only other sphere he can: in the bed, leading to the problems I described. If a lady is intelligent, she can use her feminine charms (instead of conflict) to steer her husband in the right direction, helping him to achieve both spiritual and material progress, and thus also obtain what she needs. Krsna says in the Bhagavad-Gita that He is intelligence amongst women. This is exactly the type of intelligence the verse mentions.

Apart from creating problems in the relationship, another factor is that illicit sex is fundamentally selfish, it’s about one’s own pleasure. Proper family life, on the other hand, is about altruism, it’s all about being able to renounce our personal sense gratification and comfort in favor of others. One cannot be a good husband or wife if he is not capable of sacrificing himself for the children and the partner. The more one engages in sex for fun, the more he (or she) reinforces values that are opposite to the ones that are needed for a prosperous family life. The result is simply suffering and frustration.

In any case, in a marriage, the main goal is always to maintain the relationship and preserve the family. Even if one can’t control himself, it is much better to have sex with his or her legitimate wife or husband than to have extramarital adventures. By studying Srila Prabhupada’s Lila we can see that he tended to be lenient with couples that were not able to control themselves in this department, but he would become very upset when devotees would have extra-marital affairs or divorce. From there we can see clearly that there are two types of illicit sex and that one is much more dangerous than the other. However, being able to control one’s senses is also an important factor in having a healthy and spiritually conducive relationship. From these different nuances, we can see why this is a topic that requires maturity.

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Another post on this same topic: https://www.ccdas.net/p/what-illicit-sex-mean

The books of Srila Prabhupada are like a beacon of light that has helped millions of people in their spiritual path. More than 50 million copies of the Bhagavad-Gita as it is alone have been distributed and we can only imagine the impact these books have created in society.

However, there are a few components in Srila Prabhupada's teachings that many find difficult to digest. One of them is his assertions that women are less intelligent than men. Nowadays ladies attain high positions as university teachers, doctors, engineers, computer programmers, researchers, and even spiritual leaders. Many other historical examples can also be added from different times and cultures. Having this in mind, how can we understand this?

This is actually a quite deep point that requires an elaborate explanation. If that's what you are looking for, this article is for you.

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Equal in the spiritual platform

The first point to keep in mind when we study books from Srila Prabhupada is that he writes from a spiritual and nontemporal perspective, that goes much deeper than the ephemeral values of mundane society, which are always changing. Many of us fail to understand how much the values of our society changed in the last century, and how much they will probably change in the next. Although our society advanced in terms of technology and technical knowledge, it could be argued that we regressed in terms of moral and spiritual values. Perhaps, people from the next century will see our times with as much disgust as we see the history of past centuries.

Many of us don’t notice how much we are indoctrinated by the dominant ideas since our early childhood. They are everywhere: in schools, social networks, books, talks with friends, etc. The same ideas are repeated over and over and the ones who don’t conform to the dominant thinking are frequently ostracized. It’s said that a lie repeated one thousand times becomes accepted as truth, and we can see it in many conclusions accepted as dogmas in our current society. If one accepts all of this as fact, he will have serious problems when confronted with different ideas. Critical thinking is important for one interested in progressing in life and is crucial for one walking through the spiritual path. Unfortunately, thousands of hours of superficial reading, scrolling through social media, make us not very good at it. Most of the time we react to new ideas with an emotional response, which is rarely productive.

The first point we face when discussing this topic is that many men have an exploitative attitude towards women, always trying to put them down in an effort to assess their own superiority. This is found both in secular society and in spiritual groups. Certainly, we have a fair share of it in our own movement. From where does this come?

This is actually a tendency that comes from the lower modes and is naturally not an acceptable behavior for anyone, especially from a transcendentalist. This creates a polarizing situation, that divides instead of unifying.

Not many would disagree that, on average, women are physically weaker than most men. They can carry less weight when going up a flight of stairs for example. Any man of good character, seeing a lady struggling to bring her groceries up the stairs would offer to help her. Only a nasty, degraded man would use it to try to ridicule her. Contrary to popular dogma, men and women are different, and that’s what makes relationships interesting. If everyone would be equal, life would be much less colorful. The question is that people of good character are interested in cooperating, and not in putting others down.

A true transcendentalist will respect everyone and humbly try to help each and every soul to advance in the spiritual path. As Krsna explains in the Bhagavad-Gita (18.21), “knowledge by which one sees that in every different body there is a different type of living entity you should understand to be in the mode of passion”. The soul living inside the male body is not different from the soul living in the female body, therefore in the spiritual platform, there is equality.

The only question is that the female body presents a particular set of challenges for the spiritual advancement of the soul that needs to be properly understood and addressed. Men face a certain set of challenges and similarly, women face a certain set of challenges, therefore both have to cooperate in order to overcome such limitations. That’s actually what family life is all about: cooperation.

That’s why the traditional Vedic system prescribes different roles for men and women, taking into account the differences. This is something that is crucially important when we get married. Without cooperation, any marriage will fall apart, and it’s much easier to cooperate when each performs tasks that are natural for him or her. If the lady can take better care of the child than the man, then why would the man not agree to work overtime so the wife could take some time off her work while the child is growing, for example?

The differences between men and women go much further than mere social conditioning. There are some intrinsic differences that start with the fact that women can beget children and men cannot. This leads to many psychological differences since a woman is hardwired to beget and nourish a child.

While everyone is a soul, and therefore equal in the spiritual platform, when we come down to the material platform there are certain intrinsic differences in the constitution of body and mind. In other words, while the soul is the same, the machine is different, therefore the type of activities and roles should also be distinct if we want to have functional relationships and a workable society.

When Srila Prabhupada speaks about differences between men and women, he is not speaking about the soul, but just about such differences in the body and in the proper roles according to the vehicle one is driving. By understanding the qualities and limitations of our vehicle, we can go much further. Another important point is the potential for disruption in the social structure, especially inside the families when the roles of males and females are not properly followed. Families are the basis of any civilized society, where morals, values, and culture are transmitted to the next generation. Without families, society will face serious unrest, as we can observe nowadays all over the world. Much of it comes from the deterioration of family relations. When we think about it, we realize how this topic can be essential.

Now that is clear what we are talking about, we can continue discussing the initial topic. What about intelligence?

Measuring intelligence

In modern society, intelligence is measured according to the capacity of one to acquire technical skills, and mundane information, and manipulate material energy to obtain sensual satisfaction. In Vedic culture, however, intelligence means being able to understand spiritual knowledge, control one's senses, perform austerity, and solve life’s real problems: birth, disease, old age, and death. The learned brahmana, living in simple conditions is considered intelligent, while the expert materialist, who may be very prolific in technical knowledge and social skills is considered foolish. Someone living under a bodily concept of life is not considered intelligent according to the Vedic standard.

When a soul gets a female body, he tends to become more firmly attached to his physical form and appearance. This can be exemplified in a simple manner: if you say to a man that he has an ugly face, he will probably not take it very seriously, maybe he will just say “So what?” and laugh, but if you do that to a lady, she will become seriously offended or depressed.

The female body also makes it harder for the soul to exert sense control and perform austerities. This is connected with the natural role of a woman as a mother. The mother has the duty of nourishing the child and supplying everything necessary for his well-being. If a lady has a very austere and renounced attitude, this can be conflictive with her role as a mother. Since these qualities would be detrimental to her natural role, nature supplies them in smaller amounts. Sometimes we think things happen by chance, but there is intelligence in nature. Just like cows have teeth appropriate to eat grass and lions have teeth appropriate to hunt, similarly, men and women have certain differences in their natural sets of talents that are more adequate to their natural roles.

This also explains why women do better than men in certain areas. Often, women have better social skills, are better with languages, are better at designing harmonic environments, and so on. There is however also a downside: women tend to identify with their bodies more strongly, and this creates challenges when there is a need to distinguish spirit from matter. In other words, ladies can have more difficulty than men in controlling their senses and practicing renunciation. On average, their attachment to the body is stronger, and this creates challenges when it comes to transferring one’s consciousness to the spiritual platform.

The general idea is that a soul identified with a female body tends to have more difficulty in distinguishing spirit from matter, therefore, taking the Vedic criteria, men can be considered generally more intelligent than women, at least considering individuals from the same social or spiritual level.

An advanced lady will surely do better than a lesser man, but when we compare a man and a woman of similar stature, the man tends to do better in such areas. Many women are more intelligent than most men, the point is that every intelligent woman can find (somewhere) a man who is more intelligent than her. When this happens, she will often become attracted and want to marry him.

This is another point where we can observe how wise nature is. No woman of sound mind would desire to have a dumb, foolish husband. A simple woman from the village could be satisfied with an illiterate husband, but an intelligent, educated woman will desire a man who is at least as intelligent as her. The more intelligent, qualified, and successful a man is, the more attractive he will appear in the eyes of the lady. Therefore, nature creates a balance, so each lady can have the opportunity to find a suitable pair. If all men would be dumb, most ladies would not be very satisfied.

There is also another reason material nature creates bodies with such differences: women are not created to compete with the men for supremacy, but to cooperate with them in the creation of a spiritually progressive society. Men are created to be better in their particular roles, and women to be better in their particular roles. The Vedic system offers us some advice on how we can have a peaceful life and advance spiritually. If we don’t want to follow, we can remain in this material world and just swap roles, following the laws of karma: the man can become a lady and deal with men similar to the one he is in this life, and the lady can become a man and deal with women similar to the one she is in this life.

Some think that Srila Prabhupada makes his points about men and women out of chauvinism or cultural prejudices, but the truth is that he is just concerned about our welfare. Just like a concerned father warns his children about costly mistakes they can make in life, he similarly warns us. We do better when we listen and try to understand.

With this, we come down to the third point: the nature of relationships between men and women and the model for healthy relationships that is offered in the Vedas. It's very difficult to understand Prabhupada's statements without understanding these principles.

Social implications

Ladies are normally more emotional than men and therefore they demand a greater level of protection. In the Vedas, it’s mentioned that women are nine times more lusty than men. Although this word may sound loaded, the meaning is simply that women have a greater need for a romantic relationship. It’s very difficult for a lady to be alone.

Relationships are a central part of the life of any woman, therefore to build a family is the natural path. If a lady can find a nice and kind man, develop a healthy relationship with him, and raise a few children, this is going to bring her great satisfaction. We can practically see that many successful ladies voluntarily abandon their careers in their late thirties or early forties to get married and have children. Modern society tries to impose on us the image of the successful solitary lady, but this is not a good path in terms of well-being and personal satisfaction. Happiness is not in money and social status but in relationships.

Even when we consider ladies who are transcendentalists, seriously following a spiritual path, the same need for relationships is present. Therefore, even for them, it’s much more natural to follow the spiritual path in family life, which is the general recommendation from the scriptures. If the husband is also serious about the spiritual path, his company can also be of great help in terms of spiritual elevation. If the husband is competent to give emotional support and material facilities, and at the same time is wise and gives a good example in the spiritual path, his company can be of great benefit to the wife.

In the Vedas, men are sometimes recommended to follow the path of celibacy, which if properly followed can bring important spiritual benefits, but this is generally considered a path very difficult for ladies, and therefore not generally recommended. There are a few cases of ascetic women in our line, like Krishnapriya and Vishnupriya, the daughters of Ganga Narayana Chakravarti, as well as Sri Gangamata, who was a lifelong celibate, but they are rare. Most ladies would not be attracted to the idea of living the way they were living. For them, the recommended path is family life.

The difficulty is that peaceful family life demands a certain mindset that is incompatible with the image of the independent lady that is propagated in Western culture. No lady will want to be married to a weak and helpless man who will act more like a child than as a husband. Deep inside, every lady wants to get married to a strong and qualified man. The way to inspire such qualities in the husband is to take a submissive position, so he can be encouraged to fulfill his role and act like a man, taking responsibility for the family’s maintenance and giving physical and emotional protection, thus allowing the lady to fulfill her natural role as a wife and mother. When the lady plays her proper role, she empowers the husband to also play his proper role, and thus both are benefited.

Most men have the need for a lady who provide him inspiration, so he can work with determination and thus be able to achieve his potential, both in material and in spiritual affairs. As the saying goes: “Behind every great man there's a great woman”. Only men who are situated on a high spiritual level are capable of working with determination without the inspiration of a woman. We can practically see that men (with the exception of the above-mentioned ones who are spiritually advanced) who don’t have a wife tend to fall down into the mode of ignorance, developing laziness, apathy, uncleanliness, etc.

By acting in an appropriate way, a lady provides this needed inspiration to the husband, so he can fulfill his true potential. The lady is thus benefited with material facilities, social status, good spiritual example, etc. and the husband and children are benefited by the love and care offered by the woman. This is, by the way, one of the things women do much better than men: when their natural propensity is properly engaged, they are invaluable as caregivers. Without dedicated wives and mothers, there are no families, and without families, there is no civilized society. From this, we can understand the crucial role of women in any progressive society.

We can see that there are two sides to the question. The man is supposed to have certain qualifications, being kind, wise, responsible, self-controlled, etc. but the lady also has a role to play. It’s just like the difference between a house and a home. A house is supposed to provide certain facilities, but it’s the attitude of the people living there that makes it a home. To get a house is only half of the work. Similarly, to get a man is only half of the work, the lady still has to do her part to make him a good husband. Building a successful family demands a lot of effort, it doesn't come automatically after marriage.

There are always struggles and difficulties in material life, but this traditional family model is the closest that a lady can get to a happy life in this world. Unless one is fully renounced, this is the way to go.

A lady is in better condition when she is protected by a man. Naturally, the problem nowadays is that there are not so many qualified men around, but still, a lady who understands this basic psychology can go much further with the husband she has got.

If the lady is arrogant and independent, she conflicts with the role of the husband, creating strife, dissension, and other problems. It is all about roles: The Vedas prescribe certain roles for the husband, wife, children, etc. based on the psychological characteristics of each. If we can apply such roles properly, our family life can work peacefully and everyone can be happy. Since most people need to go through family life (both men and women), we do better when we try to follow these roles. This is one of the meanings of intelligence: to be able to learn from the advice of the scriptures, and thus avoid having to learn the hard way, by committing costly mistakes. In the Bhagavad-Gita, we learn how we can do our duties (play our role) with a detached mindset.

Even secular ladies end up coming to these conclusions, usually after one or more failed marriages. One example is Kathy Murray, a lady from the United States who gave a famous interview to the BBC, describing how she learned to be, in her words, “a surrendered wife”. These are a few excerpts from her interview, where we can see how a lady who defines herself as a feminist came, after much struggle, to many of the same conclusions:

“The first time I married I was divorced by 26. I married for the second time at 32 but soon found myself sleeping in the guest room. My husband and I fought all the time”... “I didn't tell anyone I was in constant conflict with my husband. I was embarrassed, angry and resentful.”… “My husband often resorted to watching TV and snuggling with our pets as I'd rage at him over ignoring my needs.”... “I was about to end my marriage when I picked up a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I mean, they don't teach us how to be successful in marriage in school and the women in my life didn't share the secrets either.”

“It was incredibly humbling to recognize that I had something to do with why my marriage was failing and perhaps even why my first marriage failed. But it was also empowering. I didn't know I'd been disrespectful to my husband or even that I'd been controlling and critical.”... “I'll never forget the day I first apologized to my husband for being rude for correcting him in front of the children, or the day I said "Whatever you think" when I'd previously been extremely opinionated about what he should do.”

“I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counseling that he couldn't make simple decisions! I relinquished control of my husband's life, choices, and decisions and instead, I focused on my own happiness. I was no longer acting like his mother.”... “My kids began to notice the change in our relationship too, and as a result, their behavior improved and our home became peaceful and fun again.” (BBC, 100 Women 2016: I am a 'surrendered wife’)

In this context, it is easy to understand statements from Srila Prabhupada like this one:

“Woman Reporter: But you say women are subordinate to men.

Prabhupada: Yes, that is also natural. Because when the husband and wife are there or the father and daughter is there, the daughter is subordinate to the father and the wife is subordinate to the husband.

Woman Reporter: What happens when women are not subordinate to men?

Prabhupada: Then there is disruption. There is disruption, social disruption. If the woman does not become subordinate to man, then there is social disruption. Therefore, in the western countries there are so many divorce cases because the woman does not agree to become subordinate to man. That is the cause.

Woman Reporter: What advice do you have to women who do not want to be subordinate to men?

Prabhupada: It is not my advice, but it is the advice of the Vedic knowledge that woman should be chaste and faithful to man.” (Television Interview, 9 July 1975)

True equality

Naturally, a lady doesn’t need to spend all her time taking care of the family (that’s the point where traditional values can be harmonized with modern ones). Whatever talents she has, she should use in Krsna’s service. But the family works as a safe base from which she can operate. One time, HG Bhibavati dd asked Srila Prabhupada: “Should I live like in the Vedic times, and simply serve my husband and child?” Srila Prabhupada answered: “No, you have a talent as a writer, you should write articles for newspapers and propagate Krishna Consciousness”. Another time, he wrote to Jayatirtha: “It is not that women should only produce children, but they are meant for advancing in devotion.”

Srila Prabhupada was quite progressive regarding the roles of his lady disciples, Not only did he allow ladies to live in the temples and perform all kinds of activities, including deity worship, but also engaged qualified ladies in giving classes, performing kirtanas, writing articles, painting, giving public speeches, etc. Once a friend asked what was my opinion about ladies leading kirtanas. I answered that as far as I know, there is a lady leading kirtan in all ISKCON temples every day in the morning, and that was instituted by Prabhupada himself.

Even 50+ years ago, Prabhupada was already more progressive than many of us are nowadays. In this way, he upheld the true Vedic conclusion that every person has a right to use his or her talents for Krsna, breaking with previous traditions that were more restrictive.

Even though criticized by some of his godbrothers, when asked years later if he would have preferred to establish the movement differently, Srila Prabhupada stated that he would do things in exactly the same way. From this, we can see that far from making ladies a subjugated class, he was eager to engage their talents in Krsna’s service and facilitate their spiritual advancement. As he explains in the interview with reporter Sandy Nixon:

“We give Krsna consciousness both to the woman and man equally. We do not make any such distinction. But to protect them from this exploitation by man, we teach something, that "You do like this. You do like that. You be married. Be settled up. Don't wander independently." We teach them like that. But so far Krsna consciousness is concerned, we equally distribute. There is no such thing that "Oh, you are woman, less intelligent or more intelligent. Therefore you cannot come." We don't say that. We welcome women, men, poor, rich, everyone, because in that platform equality.”

Srila Prabhupada would generally mention this point about ladies being less intelligent when confronted with feminist ideas. Feminism comes from bodily identification, which in the Vedic view is a symptom of foolishness. To live in family life demands a great deal of humility. Such humility is also essential for one to be able to advance in his or her spiritual patch.

The argument that ladies can do most things that men can do and therefore they should just be like the men is not very sound, because it disregards all psychological aspects, propensities, and differences. This idea falls into the same basic mistake as communism, trying to artificially abolish all differences and social roles, which in the end just creates havoc. Men are more fit for certain roles and ladies are more fit for other roles. When both can cooperate harmoniously, both can be happy and society can flourish. When cooperation fails, problems start.

A lady who can accept a supportive role to a qualified man can fulfill her natural tendency towards family life and be happy, which in turn allows her to follow spiritual life with a peaceful mind. We can see by historical examples that even great, exalted women, like mother Sita, Kunti, Draupadi, etc. were married to even greater husbands, like Ramacandra, Pandu, the Pandavas, etc., and would become even more dignified acting as dedicated wives and giving birth to exalted children. Naturally, nowadays the men are not like Ramacandra or Arjuna, just like the women are not like Sita or Draupadi, but the principle remains the same: a lady selects a man whom she considers more qualified than herself and takes a submissive role, working in harmony with him. Srila Prabhupada gives a nice explanation about this in his purport to SB 9.10.27:

“Not only was mother Sita powerful, but any woman who follows in the footsteps of mother Sita can also become similarly powerful. There are many instances of this in the history of Vedic literature. Whenever we find a description of ideal chaste women, mother Sita is among them. Mandodari, the wife of Ravana, was also very chaste. Similarly, Draupadi was one of five exalted chaste women. As a man must follow great personalities like Brahma and Narada, a woman must follow the path of such ideal women as Sita, Mandodari and Draupadi. By staying chaste and faithful to her husband, a woman enriches herself with supernatural power.”

Feminism turns everything upside down, teaching ladies that they should be independent. The result is that they can’t be proper wives or mothers, which just creates a distressed condition for everyone: the ladies themselves, their husbands, and their children. Worse still is that it creates additional obstacles to their spiritual development.

Nobody is independent. Everyone is dependent on different authorities. When a child is born, the authorities are the parents, and as one grows up other authorities are added, like the teachers and mentors, the instructing gurus and the initiating guru, and so on. Some of these are authorities on a material level and others on a spiritual level, but all of them are representatives of Krsna, who are empowered by Him to give us direction, teaching us what is proper and improper to do, and thus advance.

To be able to advance in spiritual life (or even to advance in a material sense, becoming a civilized human being), it’s essential that one accepts this principle of authority. That’s why this particular point is emphasized in the scriptures. One is allowed to not follow an authority in cases where such a person gives unbonafide instructions (like when Bali Maharaja rejected Sukracharya) or falls from the regulative principles, but the general rule is that we should respect and follow authority.

In fact, we are for so long in this material world, exactly because we don’t want to accept our dependent position. We want to be separate enjoyers, masters of everything that we see. In this sense, feminism is just as bad as chauvinism, since it feeds this diseased condition of the soul, leading one to rebel against the principle of authority, which is essential for a progressive life.

The result is just bitterness and frustration. Real intelligence means being able to abandon our propensity of trying to be the controllers in this material world and realize our original spiritual position.

Without following these roles, it’s very difficult to have a peaceful family life, which is the basis for any kind of progressive society. A man may be irresponsible and a lady independent as long as he or she is satisfied with staying alone in the forest. As soon as a lady needs a man and a man needs a lady, there is a need for the marriage institution, and as soon as we talk about marriage and family, it’s essential that both follow their proper roles, so the relationship can work. Irresponsible males and independent females don’t work well in a family context.

This is a topic that tends to make people defensive since most ladies have the experience of being exploited or neglected by unqualified men, therefore when someone speaks about chastity or submissiveness, an image of exploitation comes to mind. That’s the other side of the question: men need to be trained to be responsible and respectful toward ladies, especially their own wives.

As Srila Prabhupada emphasizes in his purport to SB 7.11.28: “It is not that a chaste woman should be like a slave while her husband is naradhama, the lowest of men. Although the duties of a woman are different from those of a man, a chaste woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband”.

On the one hand, the wife should be supportive and chaste, but on the other, the husband should be qualified and act properly. As he explains, the most sinful thing is to exploit someone who has taken shelter on us. A man who exploits a lady who gives her heart to him commits a most grievous sin and should expect a very severe reaction, be it in this life or in the next.

A woman will feel naturally inclined to follow a man who has good qualities and takes good care of the family. If the man is respectful and responsible and the lady is supportive, a very deep and peaceful relationship can be established. If the relationship is not deep, it will break easily when problems appear. As Srila Prabhupada writes a little later, in the same purport: “The conclusion is that a husband should be a pure Vaishnava and that a woman should be a chaste wife with all the symptoms described in this regard. Then both of them will be happy and make spiritual progress in Krsna consciousness.”

As you can see, this is a complex subject that deals with a set of values that is different from the ones we find in modern society. Srila Prabhupada simply speaks based on these principles, in line with the succession of teachers he represents. The idea of a woman acting like a woman and a man acting like a man may sound strange in an era when men are trained to be like ladies and ladies like men, but ancient societies based on these values prospered for thousands of years. Considering the rate of divorces, depression, and suicides in our current societies, maybe we could consider the possibility that they understood a few things we don't.