A lost technology for successful marriages

There are many passages in the Śrīmad Bhāgavatam that may at first appear without purpose, but that reveal very significant when we understand them.

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Almost everyone will agree that divorce rates in most countries are higher than they should be. In some countries, like Portugal, the number of divorces and new marriages in recent years has been almost the same. In 2020, for example, they had 1.8 marriages and 1.7 divorces per 1000 people. It may come to a point when they will have more divorces than marriages… There are also many cases of convoluted marriages that don’t end in divorce, but where the spouses are not happy either. Such statistics are surely not very inspiring, but here is something we may consider.

Although frequently we think about the Srimad Bhagavatam as a book that speaks about renunciation, many passages teach us about family life. A very well-known one is the marriage of Kardama Muni and Devahuti that we covered in past articles. Today, we will examine a lesser-known passage, the married life of Priyavrata and Barhiṣmatī, described in the first chapter of the Fifth Canto.

His rule and family life are briefly described in text 5.1.29:

“Whenever he was determined to fix his arrow upon his bowstring with his two powerful arms, all opponents of the regulative principles of religious life would flee from his presence in fear of the unparalleled prowess he displayed in ruling the universe. He greatly loved his wife Barhiṣmatī, and with the increase of days, their exchange of nuptial love also increased. By her feminine behavior as she dressed herself, walked, got up, smiled, laughed, and glanced about, Queen Barhiṣmatī increased his energy. Thus although he was a great soul, he appeared lost in the feminine conduct of his wife. He behaved with her just like an ordinary man, but actually he was a great soul.”

Priyavrata was so powerful that he didn’t have to fight. His mere presence would make his enemies flee in fear. He was a great man by any calculation we can think of. However, it’s also important to notice the description of his wife.

It is said that behind every great man there is a great woman, and this was certainly the case with Priyavrata and many other great kings. By behaving in favorable ways, his wife Barhiṣmatī assisted him and served as a source of inspiration.

The point is that men who are genuinely on a platform of renunciation don’t usually need encouragement to perform their duties. They feel happiness in waking up early, chanting, studying the scriptures, and so on. However, when we speak about material activity, it is very rare to find a man who can work enthusiastically performing his duties without encouragement from a woman. This principle is observed all over the universe. Even demigods, who are predominantly in the mode of goodness, are all married, and they can’t properly perform their functions without the encouragement of their wives.

As Prabhupāda explains this point in his purport:

“To maintain such a life of strict vigilance, one needs encouragement from his wife. In the varṇāśrama-dharma system, certain classes, such as the brāhmaṇas and sannyāsīs, do not need encouragement from the opposite sex. Kṣatriyas and gṛhasthas, however, actually need the encouragement of their wives in order to execute their duties. Indeed, a gṛhastha or kṣatriya cannot properly execute his responsibilities without the association of his wife. Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu personally admitted that a gṛhastha must live with a wife. Kṣatriyas were even allowed to have many wives to encourage them in discharging the duties of government. The association of a good wife is necessary in a life of karma and political affairs. To execute his duties properly, therefore, Mahārāja Priyavrata took advantage of his good wife Barhiṣmatī, who was always very expert in pleasing her great husband by properly dressing herself, smiling, and exhibiting her feminine bodily features. Queen Barhiṣmatī always kept Mahārāja Priyavrata very encouraged, and thus he executed his governmental duty very properly. In this verse iva has twice been used to indicate that Mahārāja Priyavrata acted exactly like a henpecked husband and thereby seemed to have lost his sense of human responsibility. Actually, however, he was fully conscious of his position as a spirit soul, although he seemingly behaved like an acquiescent karmī husband. “

For properly executing his family duties, a man needs to have a source of inspiration in his wife. If a wife does not act femininely, does not dress up well, doesn’t show interest and admiration for what he does, nor act in pleasing ways, even the most dutiful man will tend to become gradually disinterested in family affairs. Men without good spiritual culture will become apathetic, losing time in useless distractions and vices, while enlightened men will start thinking about renunciation. In any case, the result may not be in his wife’s best interest.

The behavior of Priyavrata is also exemplary. Although he was a self-realized soul and remained internally renounced, he didn’t refuse the affection of his wife. Instead, he reciprocated it, acting as an affectionate husband, on top of giving her a nice house, protection, spiritual guidance, etc. In this way, being affectionate to one another, their marital love increased over time, and in this way, they were able to continue to cooperate peacefully for a very long period.

In previous ages, both men and women knew this art, and would thus be able to get the most out of their marriages. This would also be positive for society at large, since a harmonious and dutiful couple can offer all kinds of useful services to the whole community. When Prabhupāda speaks about reestablishing Varnāśrama, this includes this type of scientific understanding of human psychology that is essential for obtaining good results in our different spheres of activities and is absent nowadays.

We can also observe that what is described in this verse is a concept, not a fixed pattern of behavior. A woman can be feminine, smile, and act in a pleasing way to her husband even while working outside or taking care of a child, and similarly, a man can be affectionate to his wife, even while engaged in serious spiritual practice. These are universal concepts that can be applied in different cultures and different ways of life, and can create profound transformation.

Often, we become too self-centered and absorbed in thinking too much about our needs, and not so much about the needs of dear ones around us. We then start to demand, and become frustrated when such demands are not met. When a husband, wife, or other people around us are already feeling neglected due to our lack of care, and we start adding additional demands on top of it, they usually don’t react well to it. When, however, we reverse the trend and start giving instead of taking, nourishing instead of draining, suddenly things start working much better.

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