« Things I Wish Someone Had Taught Me When I Started Krishna Consciousness

An important secret for a happy marriage

Nowadays, it’s common to see marriages where a woman appears to be more qualified than the husband. We can even see a few cases in which the woman maintains the family, and the husband just stays at home, incapable of even getting a job. We also see cases of women who are more emotionally developed, having to take care of husbands who still have difficulty controlling their emotions.

One point connected with this is that just as it requires a lot of effort to transform a house into a home, it requires a lot of effort to transform a man into a husband. A man is just like a raw material, which a lady, by encouragement and love, can transform into a husband. A famous saying goes, “Behind every great man there is a great woman.” This reveals an important truth: a man is not born great; he becomes great due to the love and encouragement of a woman who helps him to develop his potential. A lady who knows how to build her husband will enjoy all the facilities provided by him, while a lady who is not so wise may end up with a broken man.

How does it work?

There is a natural psychological mechanism by which a woman should have a husband that she perceives as more qualified than herself. This is essential for her to be able to trust and follow him. Having a man who is reliable and supportive allows a lady to better deal with her desires and her emotional nature and progress in her spiritual path. In an ideal marriage, the husband should be more qualified than the wife, and thus be able to gain her trust and properly guide her and the children. This is a situation that better serves the psychological needs of both and creates an environment where both can grow.

There is a point made in the scriptures that is insightful in this context. In general, the scriptures recommend marriage between couples of the same varna, so they share a similar culture and similar priorities in life. Marriages between unequal spouses are called in the scriptures anuloma and pratiloma. Anuloma happens when the wife has a lower varṇa than the husband, and pratiloma when the husband is lower. In general, both cases are not recommended. We could imagine a kṣatrini complaining about her brāhmana husband’s lack of political ambition, for example. However, between the two, anuloma (the man being higher) is still considered acceptable, because there is the chance that a woman may gradually progress to a higher level due to the association with the husband. Pratiloma (the woman being higher), however, is strongly discouraged. In the Śrimad-Bhagavatam, there is the example of the marriage of Yayati and Devayani, but these are exceptions. It’s so rare that even Pariksit Maharaja was surprised, and inquired how this marriage between Yayati, a kṣatriya, and Devayani, a brāhmaṇī, could have happened.

Nowadays, this type of calculation based on varna is not very helpful, because in the age we live in, everyone is a śūdra. There is, however, something we can take from it, that is the psychological attitude and approach to marriage and the results of it.

There are cases when the husband is clearly more qualified than the wife, like in cases when an older, mature devotee, who is already settled in life and is practicing Kṛṣṇa Consciousness for a long time, showing symptoms of spiritual advancement, marries a younger woman, who is a new devotee. This would be the modern equivalent of anuloma, a marriage where the husband is higher in qualification. There can be some difficulties, and some adjustment will surely be needed from both parties, but in general, the wife will not have difficulties in following her husband, and thus the basic dynamic of the husband being qualified and the wife eager to follow him will be present. If both are in agreement, there is no reason not to go ahead.

However, in most cases, the distinction is not clear. The husband may be more mature in some areas and the wife in others, and in many cases, the lady may feel herself more qualified than the husband. On top of that, in many cultures, women expect that the man will pamper them, and this combination can lead a lady to want to take the lead in the relationship. There is, however, an important psychological mechanism that can be triggered by that.

The difficulty is that, by constitution, men are not psychologically fit to follow a woman. There is a fundamental psychological difference that is described in Vedic literature. Women can grow by agreeing to follow a qualified man; this is a natural position that is profitable for a lady. A woman can flourish when she gets a qualified husband and agrees to follow him. Men, however, operate in a different way. They can grow by accepting responsibility and performing duties. To flourish, they need a wife who poses as lower than them and reinforces their ego. It works naturally when, apart from the bond of affection, the husband is slightly more qualified and mature than the wife and can thus serve as a reliable reference. It is a little more complicated when the man is much more mature (but still workable, depending on the situation), but it can be very problematic when the lady poses as higher than the husband, which creates a pratiloma style of relationship, exactly the type that is strongly discouraged in the scriptures.

When the woman poses as a superior, it creates a mother-and-child relationship that stimulates the men to act in an immature way. To avoid this situation, the woman should pose as lower than the husband, allowing him to take the lead. In some areas, the lady can be more mature or talented, but it is important to maintain this basic dynamic. There are always delicate ways in which a lady can show the way to go, without having to boss her husband, much less quarrel or fight. If the man can feel that he is in control (even if in practice most of the decisions are taken by the lady), the marriage can be peaceful and nourishing for both.

If, on the other hand, a lady feels proud and acts arrogantly, posing herself as superior (as it is common nowadays), this will create the mother and child dynamic, which will not be very positive. It is important to understand this psychological mechanism because it is an important source of tension in many marriages.

In some cases, the man will fight back, and this will lead to a quarrel. This is actually the positive outcome, because the dissatisfaction will come into light, and some balance may be found. In other cases, however, the man may remain silent, and this is exactly where the danger lies. This silence will lead to one of two possible outcomes: One is that the man may become silently dissatisfied and withdrawn from the relationship. He may become indifferent or even suddenly leave, or become attracted to another woman. One symptom of it is when the man starts to ignore the wife during her outbursts, going to pet the dog or do something with the children while she screams. Another, even worse, is that the husband may be gradually destroyed in his psyche, becoming like a small boy who is constantly hiding from the “mother”, which in turn makes the woman even angrier and unhappier. If put in this situation, the man will not be able to develop his qualities, creating many of the situations where the man stops trying, and the lady has to work and take care of the house while he plays video games. That’s probably not where we want to go.

If you want to better understand this mechanism, a good reading is the book “The Surrendered Wife” by Laura Doyle. That’s a book written by a woman who learned all these lessons the hard way, after almost destroying her marriage.

Intelligent women learn to act in more subtle ways, convincing their husbands to act in the way they want without getting into conflict, nourishing the qualities of their spouses, so they can grow and take good care of the family. This is an art that may be learned from senior ladies. Just like a man needs to learn how to deal with a woman if he wants to be successful in his marriage, a woman similarly needs to learn how to deal with a man if she desires to find happiness in family life.

« Things I Wish Someone Had Taught Me When I Started Krishna Consciousness

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