Why conjugal relationships bring so much pain? What is the solution?
People meet and feel happy for some time, but when disagreements, betrayals, and other negative situations appear, they can feel the greatest level of mental suffering and anxiety. Why is it so?
We can practically see that amongst all types of relationships we have in this material world, sexual relationships between men and women is the form of relationship that can bring the greatest pain. People meet and feel happy for some time, but when disagreements, betrayals, and other negative situations appear, they can feel the greatest level of mental suffering and anxiety. Why is it so?
People like to touch and play with children, but if asked to change their diapers or pay the school fees, not many will agree. Men want to talk and joke with young ladies, take selfies with them, etc. but when asked about marrying and accepting responsibility for them and their children, not many agree. Most ladies are eager to get a handsome husband or boyfriend, but when asked about cooking and washing clothes, many hesitate. The list is long.
Such examples show that most relationships in the material world start from an idea of exploitation, and not exactly out of love. We see someone we consider attractive (be it a potential husband or wife, cute children, etc.) and want to enjoy this person in different ways. To contain this propensity for exploitation, such relationships need to be regulated by the principles of dharma, which includes accepting responsibility. A man who wants to enjoy the company of a lady has thus to also accept the responsibility of maintaining the family. A lady who wants a child must accept the responsibility of taking care of the baby, and so on. Without responsibility, relationships become exploitative and result in suffering, be it in this life or the next.
When impersonalists realize this, they conclude that relationships are intrinsically bad and desire to extinguish all types of relationships, alongside their own individuality by merging into the impersonal Brahman. Sahajiyas go to the opposite extreme: attracted to the temporary pleasure of sexual relationships they try to understand the spiritual love between Krsna and the Gopis by engaging in carnal relationships, which is abominable.
Vaishnavas, however, have a higher understanding. The point is that everything that exists in this material world is a reflection of things that exist in the transcendental world. However, just like in a mirror, everything here is inverted. When we see ourselves in the mirror, we see that our right hand corresponds to the left hand of the reflection, and so on. When a tree is reflected in a lake, the tree appears upside down. There are many examples like this.
The highest rasa in the spiritual world, the parakiya rasa between Krsna and the Gopis, becomes thus the most problematic type of relationship when reflected in this material world, which is illicit relationships outside of marriage. Similarly, the lowest rasa in the spiritual world, santa rasa, becomes the contemplative mode of goodness, when one loses interest in mundane gratification, which is the best someone in material consciousness can achieve.
Material sexual relationships are thus superficially similar to the conjugal relationships in the spiritual world, but they have the opposite quality, and thus instead of bringing the greatest bliss, they bring the greatest unhappiness in the long term. The more impure the relationship is, the greatest unhappiness it brings and the more unfavorable it is to our spiritual progression.
The secret to happy relationships is thus not in increasing one's sexual power or attraction like many try to do nowadays, but in purifying the relationship, bringing it closer to the spiritual platform. Only couples that are able to change the quality of their relationship, transforming lust into love can achieve long-term happiness in their married life. Devotees are of course the ones who have the best opportunities of doing so since we have the most advanced process and the highest type of knowledge, but it depends on each one of us to utilize these facilities or not.
We can practically see that sometimes devotees enter into the most toxic types of relationships, while sometimes apparently materialistic people can build quite solid relationships based on love and trust. This shows that it doesn't depend on the labels we are ourselves under, but on the practical application of the transcendental knowledge, we are receiving. Many men use the Vedas as an excuse to flaunt their chauvinistic tendencies and become autocrats at home, while often ladies use renunciation or service as excuses to avoid their family responsibilities. In both cases, the results can be disastrous.
Only when we can properly understand and use the philosophy can we find the keys to having happy and stable relationships that can be conducive to our spiritual development. When one is finally cured of the disease of lust he can finally understand the pure love that exists in the spiritual world.
On this topic, Srila Bhaktivinoda comments:
"The rasa of the pastimes of Vṛndāvana is astonishing! Though it is similar to material conjugal rasa, it is completely different. In the five chapters on rāsa in Bhāgavatam it is said that anyone hears this pastime completely uproots the disease in the heart. What is the disease of the bound jīva? It is material lust. Taking shelter of a subtle body holding conceptions and full of desires, within mind, intelligence and false ego, taking shelter of a gross body which identifies the person as a man or woman made of seven dhātus such as blood and flesh, the person develops lust, which no one has the power to remove with ease. Only by cultivating the pastimes of Vraja will this lowly lust be removed. In this conclusion one can see on astonishing fact about the śṛṅgāra-rasa of the Vṛndāvana pastimes."