Sexual desire: Defeating a formidable enemy in our spiritual path

Is there a way to control sexual desire, or do we all have to wait until we become pure devotees?

One of the difficulties most of us have in the spiritual path is sexual desire. We can see that sex is what makes the world turn. Movies and songs are made about it, it’s used to sell all kinds of products, it’s the central focus of all kinds of stories and adventures, and so on. There is gross sex, related to the physical act, and subtle sex, related to romanticism. Men are generally more attracted to the first, while women frequently are more into the latter, but in one format or another, both genders are into it. In material life, people often desire and hanker for sex and romantic relationships until their last breath. People try to remain attractive as long as possible, look for symbols of status, try to look fashionable, intelligent, etc. everything to maximize their chances of finding attractive partners. That’s the most central and deep attachment we have to this material world, the most basic instinct for enjoying material energy.

Not only sexual desire, in a gross or subtle form, is the deepest material desire and usually the hardest to give up, but it is usually also the main cause of problems our spiritual movement faced over the years, without even speaking about the personal problems it can cause. Sexual desire when misapplied can lead to illicit affairs, divorces, bad marriages, fall-downs of leaders, and so on. The gross form of it is already a formidable enemy, and even when one can surpass it, there’s still the subtle attraction to the company and attention of the opposite sex, which is an even more formidable challenge.

From all our anarthas and material contaminations, that’s one of the last to go away. We can see that even in the early days of our movement, when devotees were very determined in the spiritual path and very surrendered to Srila Prabhupada, still many would fall into illicit relationships, would divorce and remarry, etc. Srila Prabhupada once commented that devotees could easily follow three of the principles, but had trouble with this last one.

Is there any easy way to control sexual desire, or do we all have to wait until we become pure devotees?

We all know that the recommended path for one who has trouble controlling his sexual urge is family life. However, the point that is frequently misunderstood is that there is a process to control sexual desire inside family life. It is not something automatic.

The idea given in the scriptures is that sex should be used to conceive children. This may sound like a very revolutionary idea, but if we think logically, is not difficult to understand that children are the natural result of sexual relationships. It is like that on all species of life, and it would be strange if only humans would be different. The central idea offered in the scriptures is that by using this sexual energy to beget a few children, one has a chance of evolving from a platform of mere desire for personal satisfaction to a platform of care and love for others, which is much more conducive for spiritual advancement. This is also a path to happiness: Children are actually the greatest fun of family life, it's said that family life without children is like a desert, where there is no happiness.

When one has a child he or she automatically becomes less concerned with his personal needs and more concerned with the needs of the child. This helps one to progress to a platform of care and duty. When we start to care for others, we automatically become distracted from our personal needs. One who is caring for a child will have much less propensity to become victimized by the negative effects of sex urges.

Strictly speaking, the recommendation of the scriptures is for couples to have union one time per month, after the menstrual period (starting from the 6th day). Couples that are trying to beget a child are recommended to have union from the 12th to the 16th day (according to the fertile days), and couples that are not in a hurry may do it on different days according to their plans. One is recommended to chant 50 rounds on the day he tries to conceive, inviting an advanced Vaishnava to take shelter in the womb. However, even if one can't follow these recommendations, still family life offers a path to advancement. As long as one stays faithful to his partner, the sex urge is going to reduce over time. We can see practically, even in secular couples, that after a few years, the urge is not so strong. It's actually not so common to find couples (even amongst non-devotees) who, after several years of marriage, still have relationships more than once per month. We can see that family life is the tried and true process of controlling sexual urges. The main point is to develop a good relationship and not divorce. If one divorces, he goes back to square one.

Apart from being socially disruptive, another reason why divorces are considered sinful is that they sabotage our own spiritual advancement, making us go back to the beginning, back to the platform of looking for partners to satisfy our sexual needs. One of the definitions of dharma is what connects us with our original spiritual nature. Marriage in Krsna consciousness is considered dharmic because it helps us to use our material desires and aspirations in a way that is not contradictory to our spiritual advancement, while divorce breaks this process, apart from other problems it brings.