Family life: the greatest source of happiness, the greatest source of frustration.

It all depends on getting it right. How to get it right, however, is the biggest question. There are surely many difficulties. This article may offer some insight.

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Family life can be the greatest source of happiness or the greatest source of frustration. It depends on getting it right. How to get it right, however, is the biggest question. There are surely many difficulties. How to find a compatible spouse, how to reconcile work and other family duties with the practice of Kṛṣṇa Consciousness, and so on.

In this context, the story of Kardama Muni and Devahūti in the 3rd canto of Śrīmad Bhāgavatam can offer us lots of insight. This story is mentioned precisely as an example of ideal family life.

Kardama Muni had the desire to marry, but he didn’t go out in search of a wife. Instead, he dedicated himself to the practice of devotional service for a long time, learning to control his senses and increasing his devotion. When he was ready, Lord Viṣnu personally appeared, telling him that he was aware of his desire and had already made arrangements. Especially nowadays, when it’s so difficult to find a qualified spouse, to find a wife by divine blessings instead of personal endeavor is possibly the safest way to go.

In the case of Kardama Muni, it happened that, inspired by the Lord, Nārada Muni had visited the court of Svāyambhuva Manu. As he narrated the qualities of Kardama Muni to the king, his daughter Devahūti listened, and her heart became attracted by the great sage. She secretly revealed her desire to some female friend, and the information somehow reached the father, who decided to make the necessary arrangements. As foretold by Lord Viṣnu, two days later Svāyambhuva Manu appeared with his entourage in the hermitage of Kardama Muni, offering his daughter to him in marriage.

This is the most auspicious form of marriage. In Western societies, men go around approaching different ladies, but this is considered an inauspicious way to get a wife. The best is when a lady loves a man based on his qualities, and the man accepts her. When a lady marries the man she loves, she will be faithful to him and will be willing to make the necessary sacrifices to make the marriage work, but when a lady accepts some lesser man because of the lack of a better choice, she will not value the union so much and will be looking around for some better partner, comparing what she is getting with what she could get from other men. This is a natural process that is very difficult to suppress. Therefore, instead of chasing ladies, a man does better in working to improve his qualities until a suitable lady appears.

Many nowadays have the idea that ladies should be submissive to their husbands. This is certainly mentioned in the scriptures. However, some fail to understand that the only way to obtain it is through love, not force. Only when a man is truly great and wins the love of a woman due to his good qualities can he expect that she will become submissive to him. A qualified husband and a chaste wife cannot exist separately.

Just as it’s not appropriate for a man to approach ladies for marriage, it is even less appropriate for a lady to direct approach a man. The best way to do that is through some superior who can, after verifying their compatibility by carefully analyzing their personalities, qualities, etc. approach the groom. We can see that in this case, this whole was taken by Svāyambhuva Manu, who described the qualities of Devahūti to Kardama and revealed that she wanted to marry him. Wisely, Manu remembered Kardama Muni that “To deny an offering that has come of itself is not commendable even for one absolutely free from all attachment, much less one addicted to sensual pleasure. One who rejects an offering that comes of its own accord but later begs a boon from a miser thus loses his widespread reputation, and his pride is humbled by the neglectful behavior of others.”

The way Devahūti fell in love with Kardama Muni was also the most auspicious. Instead of just becoming attracted to his appearance, she became attracted to his qualities by hearing from a superior source. Marriages based on mere sexual attraction tend to be short-lived and end in disastrous ways, but marriages based on mutual respect usually last. The best combination is, naturally, when the man is a great devotee, and the lady loves him on this basis.

As Śrila Prabhupāda mentions on 3.23.1: “Unmarried girls worship Lord Śiva so that they can expect a husband who is as good a Vaiṣṇava as he. The girls are not taught to select a husband who is very rich or very opulent for material sense gratification; rather, if a girl is fortunate enough to get a husband as good as Lord Śiva in devotional service, then her life becomes perfect. The wife is dependent on the husband, and if the husband is a Vaiṣṇava, then naturally she shares the devotional service of the husband because she renders him service. This reciprocation of service and love between husband and wife is the ideal of a householder’s life.”

We can see that Kardama Muni married after a long period of practice of devotional service. This is also very important because without sufficient practice, a man will not be able to control his senses, which is essential for a working marriage. The whole idea of marriage is based on the wife having admiration for the husband. Such admiration allows her to easily follow and serve him, which, in turn, allows a qualified husband to guide the family in the proper direction. If a man is not capable of controlling his lust and anger, he will not have the respect of his wife and children, which will lead to a very frustrating and unproductive situation.

After getting married, Kardama and Devahūti practiced austerities for a long time, which gave them time to perfect their spiritual practice and strengthen their relationship. After this time of austerity, Kardama Muni used his powers to create a mystical mansion that allowed them to travel to the celestial planets, and they started their conjugal life.

Because of their previous spiritual practice, they generated nine very qualified daughters, and finally begot Lord Kapila, an incarnation of Krsna. Similarly, the ultimate goal of any marriage in Krsna Consciousness is to beget a few nice children who can benefit society.

Just like in the case of Kardama Muni and Devahūti, a couple that can control their sexual desire in the first years of marriage and instead deepen their relationship and perfect their spiritual practice can bring forth similar children, which can bring benefit to the world. Such children will bring great happiness to their parents and make their married life successful.

In the end, after having perfectly fulfilled all his family duties, Kardama Muni left home to perfect his spiritual practice and go back to Godhead, leaving his wife under the protection of a grown-up son. At this point, his wife Devahūti was sufficiently mature in her spiritual practice to continue inquiring about life’s ultimate goal, achieving love of Godhead.

Their nine daughters begot many enlightened children who continued the family and brought great auspiciousness for the whole universe, while their son Kapila became celebrated as the exponent of the Sankhya philosophical system, which allowed innumerable sages through the eras to perfect their spiritual understanding and go back to Godhead.

Sex life is usually not considered something very glorious for a devotee of a transcendentalist, but when such sex life is used to beget good children, it is considered glorious. We should keep in mind that two full chapters of the Śrīmad Bhāgavatam are dedicated to describing the sex life of Kardama Muni. As Śrila Prabhupāda mentions: “his sex indulgence was praised by many, many Siddhas, beings who have attained perfection because it was intended to produce good progeny for the good of universal affairs.”

Śrila Prabhupāda also mentions (on 3.22.19) that “Great householders pray to God to send His representative so that there may be an auspicious movement in human society. This is one reason to beget a child. Another reason is that a highly enlightened parent can train a child in Kṛṣṇa consciousness so that the child will not have to come back again to this miserable world. Parents should see to it that the child born of them does not enter the womb of a mother again.”

Of course, we may not be at this level, but it is still interesting to hear about the goal, so we can at least aspire to progress in that direction.

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