How can a devotee find a good wife nowadays?
How can a devotee find a suitable wife and not only live peacefully with her but create an environment where both can practice and develop their Krsna Consciousness in family life?
How can a man who is interested in practicing Krsna Consciousness in family life find a suitable wife and not only live peacefully with her but create an environment where both can practice and develop their Krsna Consciousness?
It may sound quite difficult, some may even say it's near impossible nowadays with all the problems and moral degradation we find in the world. However, the scriptures give a few tips that can greatly increase one's chances.
One of the best examples is the story of Kardama Muni in the 3rd canto of Srimad Bhagavatam. Despite being a destitute sadhu, he got married to Devahūti, the most beautiful and qualified princess of the time. He didn't even have to look for her: her father came to him to propose the marriage, having got to know that Devahūti had fallen in love with the sage after hearing about his qualities from Nārada Muni.
How could this have happened? How can I also get a princess like Devahūti? Well, maybe not like Devahūti, but still, these are principles that can help enormously in finding a good wife and living peacefully in family life.
Contrary as it may seem, the best way to find a good wife is not to look for one in the first place. Most ladies don't appreciate men who run after them, and they don't value them either. Single ladies usually receive frequent proposals from men who they are not interested in, and this feels more like harassment than anything else. If we do the same, we will probably be also seem like that. As soon as a man becomes known as someone who is desperate to marry, only the most desperate ladies will consider having anything with him; he will not be valued. It may look unfair, but that's how things work in the material world. Unfortunately, society can be quite cruel. Some, in desperation, even go to search for a wife on social networks, which is often a recipe for disaster.
What to do then? The best is to forget about it and instead just focus on improving our Krsna Consciousness, getting a good education, developing our talents, and expanding our services, as well as gradually achieving a stable financial situation. Instead of trying to seduce ladies, it’s more productive to just work on our devotional practice and develop our talents, do something useful for society, and for ourselves.
Ladies in general value men who show that they can control their desires and emotions. They look for stability, and a man who looks mature, who can do useful things, and who is respected in the group for his talents and contributions automatically attracts attention. We don't really need to do much, just develop our qualities and do something useful, and gradually, interested ladies will start to appear.
By learning to control our emotions, becoming mature, and having access to more experienced devotees who can give us good advice, our chances of finding a good spouse will be greatly improved.
Men usually try to seduce ladies, but this usually leads to troubled relationships, because relationships established in such ways are based on lust and tend to be short-lived, usually bringing the worst out of people. When, instead, a man works on developing his qualities, he usually attracts the right type of lady, who appreciates his qualities and will be interested in following him. Simultaneously, it will also bring him the wisdom to select the right woman. That's how one can find a good wife even in today's world.
Another point is that we can't cheat our karma. Peaceful family life is something that demands a good deal of piety, and most of us lack it. We can try as hard as we can, but it's extremely difficult to change it. In fact, most of the time, there is only one way to change things. What is it? The mercy of Krsna.
Krsna can change our karma at any moment, as He sees fit. How can we attract the mercy of Krsna? Only by serving Him and His devotees.
One may have been very impious in his past life and thus have the karma of suffering terribly in family life, but by serving Krsna and practicing spiritual life, Krsna may decide to change it. The possibilities on this path are much higher than just trying to seduce some random lady.
This was the path Kardama Muni decided to choose, as described in the Srimad Bhagavatam. Instead of going here and there begging for someone to marry him, he dedicated himself to performing austerities and, as a result, was able to directly see the Lord. He expressed his desire to get a good wife, but the Lord already knew about it and had already made arrangements. As He said: "Having come to know what was in your mind, I have already arranged for that for which you have worshiped Me well through your mental and sensory discipline. My dear ṛṣi, O leader of the living entities, for those who serve Me in devotion by worshiping Me, especially persons like you who have given up everything unto Me, there is never any question of frustration." (SB 3.21.23-24)
More than just arranging for a good wife for Kardama Muni, the Lord assured him that this union would also help him to progress in his spiritual life. The Lord said, "She is ready for marriage, and she has good character and all good qualities. She is also searching for a good husband. My dear sir, her parents will come to see you, who are exactly suitable for her, just to deliver their daughter as your wife. That princess, O holy sage, will be just the type you have been thinking of in your heart for all these long years. She will soon be yours and will serve you to your heart’s content. She will bring forth nine daughters from the seed sown in her by you, and through the daughters you beget, the sages will duly beget children. With your heart cleansed by properly carrying out My command, resigning to Me the fruits of all your acts, you will finally attain to Me." (SB 3.21.27-30)
Two days later, Svāyambhuva Manu himself appeared at the hermitage of the sage to offer him his daughter Devahūti in marriage. He said: "My daughter is the sister of Priyavrata and Uttānapāda. She is seeking a suitable husband in terms of age, character and good qualities. The moment she heard from the sage Nārada of your noble character, learning, beautiful appearance, youth and other virtues, she fixed her mind upon you. Therefore please accept her, O chief of the brāhmaṇas, for I offer her with faith and she is in every respect fit to be your wife and take charge of your household duties. To deny an offering that has come of itself is not commendable even for one absolutely free from all attachment, much less one addicted to sensual pleasure. One who rejects an offering that comes of its own accord but later begs a boon from a miser thus loses his widespread reputation, and his pride is humbled by the neglectful behavior of others." (SB 3.22.9-13)
This is considered the most auspicious type of marriage. Instead of going around chasing a lady, Kardama Muni dedicated himself to developing his qualities and improving his devotion, and as a result, he satisfied the Lord. By His divine arrangement, Princess Devahūti listened to his good qualities from Nārada Muni and fell in love with him. Being a chaste lady, she also didn't approach him directly but instead revealed it in confidence to some senior lady, who in turn informed his father. Understanding that Kardama Muni was a suitable groom, he personally went to him to offer his daughter in marriage.
When a lady who is qualified falls in love with a man, not just due to his appearance or other superficial traits, but due to his personal qualities, she will value this marriage and be able to tolerate difficulties to maintain it. This is especially important in marriages between devotees since the necessity of combining material and spiritual life poses additional challenges.
The man, on the other hand, will not just marry out of lust, and this will help him to maintain his mind in order and enter into the marriage with the right mentality and act in a responsible way. This combination of a loving and dedicated wife and a responsible and self-controlled husband tends to produce a very strong union, which can be very positive for both and bring forth very good children, which in turn will increase the happiness of the parents. It's surely much better than searching on Tinder.
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Hare Krishna Prabhu ji 🙏 best article I liked all the points you have mentioned. You are doing a very great service of helping devotees in their dilemma . Grateful to you prabhu ji .
Oh, really nice article!