Material and spiritual compatibility: Why are marriages between devotees often so difficult?
Relationships between man and woman have a material side and a spiritual side, which we have to balance. The more we are in the spiritual side, the less we will be on the material side, and vice-versa
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Relationships between man and woman have a material side and a spiritual side. The spiritual side is, of course, the ideal of both working together inside marriage in serving Krsna and helping each other in the spiritual path. Apart from self-realized souls, all of us have a need for relationships in this world, and these relationships are also important in the context of our spiritual practice. The whole concept of the saṅkīrtana movement of Mahāprabhu is based on the idea of sharing our spiritual practice with like-minded devotees. If we have the good fortune of having a like-minded, devotional partner as a spouse who shares the same desire for serving Kṛṣṇa and advancing in Kṛṣṇa Consciousness, our spiritual practice can become much easier.
This like-mindedness and cooperation in spiritual practice are the best basis for a marriage in Kṛṣṇa Consciousness. As Prabhupāda wrote in his purport to SB 6.2.26: “Therefore the custom in Vedic society is to examine the horoscopes of a girl and boy being considered for marriage to see whether their combination is suitable. Vedic astrology reveals whether one has been born in the vipra-varṇa, kṣatriya-varṇa, vaiśya-varṇa or śūdra-varṇa, according to the three qualities of material nature. This must be examined because a marriage between a boy of the vipra-varṇa and a girl of the śūdra-varṇa is incompatible; married life would be miserable for both husband and wife. Consequently a boy should marry a girl of the same category. Of course, this is trai-guṇya, a material calculation according to the Vedas, but if the boy and girl are devotees there need be no such considerations. A devotee is transcendental, and therefore in a marriage between devotees, the boy and girl form a very happy combination.”
This may sound idealistic at first, but it is true. If one’s main focus in life is advancing in Kṛṣṇa Consciousness, this becomes the main factor of compatibility with a spouse. Other factors become secondary when spiritual practice is the main focus of our lives, and they tend to become even less prominent over time, as we become free from the influence of the false ego and fixed in our true ego, in connection with Kṛṣṇa’s service. At a very high level, such a relationship becomes similar to the pure relationship of souls in the spiritual world.
One can argue that if this is true, practically all marriages between devotees would be successful, but that’s not what we observe in practice. There are a few points to be observed here.
The first point is that not all devotees are very serious in their spiritual practice. Most of us are just materialistic devotees, who combine material development with just a touch of devotion to Kṛṣṇa. If we pay attention to what Prabhupada writes in this purported I quote, “if the boy and girl are devotees,” we can see that Prabhupada uses the word “devotees” in the sense of devotion to Kṛṣṇa being the main focus of their lives, eclipsing the characteristics of varna and other forms of material conditioning. As he argues, the marriage of a brahmana man and a sūdra woman, or vice versa, is not advisable … unless both are advanced as devotees, and this becomes the prominent characteristic. When two devotees are still mainly foccused in material activities, this point of spiritual compatibility raised by Prabhupāda does not necessarily apply.
A second point is that, even when we are determined in the spiritual practice, we are often not very advanced. Determination in spiritual practice that is not backed by real advancement often results in mere fanaticism, which can be very toxic. Two fanatic devotees (especially if fanatic in different directions) are not a very good recipe for a harmonious marriage.
A third point is that often devotees get together in a relationship because they are similarly interested in spiritual practice, but later, one of them gets other priorities in life and gives up the idea of seriously pursuing Kṛṣṇa consciousness, going back into some form of material life with just a touch of devotion, or even abandoning spiritual practice altogueter. This can happen to anyone, and there is no point in judging, but the point is that when this happens, the main focus of compatibility in the relationship may be broken, and there may be little left to hold them together. In spiritual terms, such a relationship may not even be positive, because one will try to push the other in the direction of material activities.
A lady devotee may thus marry a man that she admires as a devotee, but later decide to leave him, exactly because he is fixed in spiritual practice, while she later gets other priorities in life. Similarly, a man may marry a woman because she is serious in spiritual practice, and later change and end up leaving her exactly because she is devoted, and thus not very in sync with his sexual expectations, for example.
We then have the material side, which is also mentioned by Prabhupāda in his purport. The less we are advanced in spiritual life, the more this other side becomes prominent. This material compatibility is traditionally checked using astrology, but it can also be spotted by other means. Even questionnaires can help to identify similarities of interests and inclinations.
Material compatibility in a couple is based on the satisfaction of material desires. It means both share a similar material conditioning and share thus similar interests and inclinations, which makes their relationship easier. We can say that this material compatibility serves as a material substitute for the lack of real compatibility, wich are both being pure devotees of Kṛṣṇa.
Material desires also become more prominent when our spiritual practice becomes lax or inattentive. The more we get a taste for chanting and serving Kṛṣṇa, the less we will be attracted to material things, and vice-versa.
The difficulty in terms of material compatibility is that it is not so common, and Vedic astrology (at least in the way it is practiced nowadays) is much less reliable in this sense than many of us would like to believe. The problem is compounded by the fact that our communities are usually small, and therefore spouses have to be found amongst a very narrow set of options. Who to choose: the ex-brahmacārī who is fanatic and a little crazy, the guy who is 10 years younger, or the older prabhu with four ex-wives and seven children? It can be complicated.
We can see that in this context, the point made by Prabhupada, of genuine Kṛṣṇa Consciousness being the main factor of compatibility, becomes especially relevant. Without emphasis on Kṛṣṇa Consciousness, relationships between devotees often have little chance of succeeding.
Still another dimension to add to it is how much effort we put into the relationship, how much attention we put into satisfying the necessities of our wife or husband. This is the factor that can bridge the differences, but only to a certain extent. There is a difference between being emphatic and offering our spouse what he or she needs to be stable and continue their spiritual path, and abandoning our spiritual practice to try satisfy a materialistic wife or husband.
We come then to the question of qualification. The side of the wife is usually more or less well understood. We read a lot about the duties and qualities of a good wife according to the scriptures. The husband's side of the story is, however, a little trickier.
On one side, the husband should be advanced spiritually and guide the wife and children on the spiritual path. The problem is that to do that, he needs to be mature spiritually. Women and children need to be guided by love, and not by force. This is what makes the duties of a husband and Krsna Consciousness so hard to perform: one needs to act externally like an attached husband while at the same time being a pure devotee internally, just as in the example of Priyavrata.
One good example of Krsna conscious father and husband is the father of Śrila Prabhupāda, Śrila Gour Mohan De. Although internally a pure devotee, as described by Śrila Prabhupāda, externally he was playing the role of an affectionate father and husband, giving Prabhupāda all the toys he wanted and maintaining the family in a comfortable situation. We can see that not only was the mother of Śrila Prabhupāda very devoted, but both their son and daughter became pure devotees of Krsna. This is the perfect example of successful family life in Krsna Consciousness.
On the other hand, we can also see that usually, husbands who are too strict and heavy don’t attain the same success. This facet of married life is also described by Śrila Prabhupāda in his books. A very interesting description is given on SB 4.25.42:
“Every husband is certainly a great hero to his wife. In other words, if a woman loves a man, that man appears very beautiful and magnanimous. Unless one becomes beautiful in the eyes of another, one cannot dedicate his whole life to another. The husband is considered very magnanimous because he gives as many children to the wife as she likes. Every woman is fond of children; therefore any husband who can please his wife by sex and give her children is considered very magnanimous. Not only does the husband become magnanimous by begetting children, but by giving his wife ornaments, nice food and dresses, he keeps her completely under submission. Such a satisfied wife will never give up the company of her husband. In this way the woman is the center of all material enjoyment.”
Every man wants his wife to be faithful and submissive to him. Here, Śrila Prabhupāda gives the formula of how to do that. If a man is intelligent enough to select a good woman with a compatible disposition and treats her well, she will tend to be faithful to him. The problem nowadays is that we are usually not attentive enough to choose a good partner, nor talented and attentive enough to conduct our married life in the appropriate way.
Married life is so complicated because marriages are often centered around our ego and interests. We have certain material ambitions that we hope to satisfy within this union, and when these ambitions fail to materialize, divorce often ensues. Kṛṣṇa Consciousness is a natural antidote for this, but only when we are sincere in our practice.
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