Patterns of behavior that mold our consciousness
When we are starting in our spiritual practice, we learn quite quickly by observing patterns of behavior displayed by others. Good or bad, these are patterns that are difficult to change later.
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In ordinary psychology, it’s understood that a child who suffers abuse, or grows up in an environment where others are abused, is more propense to abuse others in the future. By abuse, I’m not speaking just about sexual abuse, but all other types of abuse, including verbal and physical.
Even if the child later comes to understand that such abuse is wrong, he will still tend to repeat it. The patterns of behavior get impressed into the mind and surface when the right triggers are present. A child who was beaten by the father will tend to also beat up other children and later his own children, a boy who was sexually abused will tend to also abuse others, and so on.
What we may not realize is that there is a similar situation in spiritual life. When we are starting in our spiritual practice, we learn quite quickly by observing patterns of behavior displayed by others. We are like children, so to speak, ready to learn and imitate. The problem is that the patterns impressed in our minds at this stage are hard to change later.
One who in the beginning of his spiritual life has the opportunity of associating with senior Vaiṣnavas who show kindness and are exemplary in their behavior, will learn this patterns and gradually also become a kind-hearted devotee. Another who is trained by harsh and aggressive people, who may use verbal harshness, humiliation, intimidation, manipulation, shaming, coercion, spiritual guilt, moral policing, etc., will also learn and will tend to repeat such standards of behavior later on, often without even noticing it. It just becomes impressed into one’s mind as the right way to act, and takes years of introspection and right association to change it later. Inadvertently, one will also end up passing it to others, perpetuating such patterns of behavior.
There is a very great difference between correction and abuse. When we are learning devotional practice under a senior devotee, being corrected is part of the process; without it, we can never learn. However, there is a difference between nurturing correction, which is given with the goal of fomenting growth, usually private, considerate, and proportionate, and public shaming, threats, etc., to establish power and domination. The first brings clarity, hope, sobriety, while the second brings fear, hopelessness, resentment, etc.
This problem was very common in our movement in the past, and in many places it is still present. People bring their temperaments from material life and continue to engage them in their dealings with other devotees, often acting in grossly inappropriate ways. Newcomers learn such patterns of behavior and tend to repeat them, often creating a culture of harshness and abuse. It often takes a long time for a community to get over it and progress into a culture of love and trust. Sometimes the damage can be irreparable.
Like many, I had a mixture of both in my spiritual life. By good fortune, I had the opportunity of associating with a few kind-hearted Vaiṣnavas who taught me proper behavior by their example. However, I also had the other side, and often I caught myself repeating such bad examples. It often takes a lot of concentration to avoid it.
I don’t blame anyone, since even bad examples can help us to grow, but my advice for someone who is starting now is to avoid being under devotees who don’t show proper personal behavior. There is no need to be disrespectful to anyone: Devotees who are still battling their material conditioning can be respected at a distance, and dealings can be kept formal. We can remain respectful, protecting our own consciousness, but at the same time keeping ourselves out of harm’s way.
Liking or not, we will absorb it and repeat the patterns of behavior of people with whom we associate, perpetuating the cycle. Therefore, maintaining proper fences and a healthy distance from abusive people is important to protect not only ourselves, but also others who will be connected to us in the future.
Temples and communities are meant to be embassies of Vaikuṇṭha. The environment needs to feel safe enough for hearts to open. This is the way to create balanced devotees who will, in turn, transmit this culture forward to the next generations.
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