Practical advice for being happy in Kṛṣṇa Consciousness in family life
We tend to think that the purpose of family life is to be happy. This is actually true for all āśramas, not just for the householders. The point is how to achieve this happiness.
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There are two paths for progression in spiritual life: nivṛtti-mārga and pravṛtti-mārga. The path of nivṛtti-mārga is based on renunciation and avoidance of sense gratification, while the path of pravṛtti-mārga is based on regulated sense enjoyment and performance of duties according to our position in society. They lead to the same goal, but the way one behaves in each of these paths is fundamentally different.
Prabhupāda explains this concept in his purport to SB 4.25.39:
“According to Vedic instructions, there are two paths for human activities. One is called pravṛtti-mārga, and the other is called nivṛtti-mārga. The basic principle for either of these paths is religious life. In animal life there is only pravṛtti-mārga. Pravṛtti-mārga means sense enjoyment, and nivṛtti-mārga means spiritual advancement. In the life of animals and demons, there is no conception of nivṛtti-mārga, nor is there any actual conception of pravṛtti-mārga. Pravṛtti-mārga maintains that even though one has the propensity for sense gratification, he can gratify his senses according to the directions of the Vedic injunctions.”
The path of nivṛtti-mārga is based on celibacy and renunciation. This path is adequate for a very small percentage of the population. Maybe 1 or 2% of the men and practically none of the ladies. The scriptures actually don’t recommend this path for women. There are historical exceptions, exalted women who would succeed in the path of renunciation, but they are rare. For the majority of women, the path recommended is to practice spiritual life within family life.
We sometimes may think negatively about family life, considering it from the viewpoint of great sages who criticized it for being at a level lower than they were, but the fact is that, for the great majority of us, proper family life is a progression. Family life is a workable platform for spiritual development, much better than an unregulated life. Most of us can’t live without love and relationships: or we fall into promiscuous relationships or we become hardened and frustrated, losing our natural compassion for others. Both of these paths can be quite damaging.
At certain points in the history of our movement, ladies would be told to be brahmacarinis and just distribute books, but this is actually violence. Similarly, most men are too attracted to the opposite sex to follow the renounced path. Some try, but end up becoming very disturbed, or even developing mental problems. As Kṛṣṇa explains in the Gītā, everyone should follow his own path according to his own nature. To try to follow another’s path is dangerous
Another problem is trying to mix the two paths. This usually comes from the side of the men, but sometimes ladies can also fall into this mistake, trying to be artificially renounced while in family life, like a sannyāsi who happens to have a wife or a husband. Once one decides to get married, one has to settle into the path of pravṛtti-mārga. This means to have some source of income, a house, some material facility, and if everything works out, also some children.
We tend to think that the purpose of family life is to be happy. This is actually true for all āśramas, not just for the householders. The point is how to achieve this happiness. We often think of happiness in terms of material possessions, status, and so on, but that’s not real happiness. In his summary of SB 7.14, Prabhupāda gives a nice roadmap of family life in Kṛṣṇa Consciousness and the path for real happiness. Here is a point-by-point summary of what he mentions there:
a) The first duty of a family man is to be fully dependent on Kṛṣṇa and perform devotional service. This makes it clear that the main purpose of family life is to create a platform for our spiritual practice.
b) The beginning of devotional service is śravaṇam, or hearing from self-realized souls. This is the process for reducing our material attachment and being able to ascend to a platform where we give up our false sense of possession, but at the same time perform our family duties attentively.
c) A gṛhastha should earn money to maintain his family, but at the same time, one must be very conscious not to sacrifice one’s spiritual practice. We should cultivate simple living, avoiding strenuous effort just to accumulate money and increase unnecessary material comforts. Modern life offers us many artificial goals and standards, but through our spiritual practice, we must learn to resist them and keep a simple life.
d) In renounced life, one can act both internally and externally as a renounced person. In family life, a devotee should also cultivate internal renunciation, but externally, one should act as a dutiful wife or husband. “Although a gṛhastha should externally be very active in earning his livelihood, he should internally be situated as a fully self-realized person, without attachment for material gains.”
e) Another unavoidable part of family life is dealing with family members and friends. However, ideally, it should be performed simply to fulfill their purpose. As Prabhupāda mentions, “one should not be extravagantly engaged in this way”.
f) Family members and friends will always try to advise us and engage us according to what they believe is correct. We should take it respectfully, but act according to what is right, following the instructions of the scriptures and the spiritual master.
g) It may be out of fashion nowadays, but traditionally, most householders would make a living working in agriculture. This is considered a very favorable profession for devotees, since it fosters the mode of goodness.
h) Disposable income should be engaged in the mission, put into activities that can bring Kṛṣṇa Consciousness to others. As Prabhupāda mentions: “Whatever money a gṛhastha accumulates by the grace of God he should spend in five activities, namely worshiping the Supreme Personality of Godhead, receiving Vaiṣṇavas and saintly persons, distributing prasāda to the general public and to all living entities, offering prasāda to his forefathers, and also offering prasāda to his own self. Gṛhasthas should always be ready to worship everyone as mentioned above.”
i) Often, we focus on high spiritual principles, but forget about the basics. Non-violence is one of the most foundational aspects of spiritual life. “A gṛhastha should be very much affectionate toward lower animals, birds and bees, treating them exactly like his own children. A gṛhastha should not indulge in killing animals or birds for sense gratification. He should provide the necessities of life even to the dogs and the lowest creatures and should not exploit others for sense gratification. Factually, according to the instructions of Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, every gṛhastha is a great communist who provides the means of living for everyone. Whatever a gṛhastha may possess he should equally distribute to all living entities, without discrimination. The best process is to distribute prasāda.”
j) Apart from engaging ourselves, we should also try to engage our spouses and other family members in Kṛṣṇa Conscious activities. For this, it is essential to keep good relations with them, which brings us back to the point of faithfully performing our family duties and showing affection to them, even while internally renouncing.
k) Another essential point is to offer our food to the Lord, and eat only prasāda: “The gṛhastha should not eat anything not offered to the Supreme Personality of Godhead. As it is said in the Bhagavad-gītā (BG 3.13), yajña-śiṣṭāśinaḥ santo mucyante sarva-kilbiṣaiḥ: “The devotees of the Lord are released from all kinds of sins because they eat food that is offered first for sacrifice.”
l) We should also visit the holy places as far as possible, making pilgrimages that can help us to deepen our spiritual realization.
m) “In this way he should fully engage in worshiping the Supreme Personality of Godhead for the benefit of his family, his society, his country, and humanity at large.”
As we can see, there is a clear path for people in renounced life, and there is also a path for devotees in family life. Both can work, but we should take one.
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