"Should I get married?" Why is this question so common?
One question many young devotees ask: "Should I get married?". Sometimes old devotees also ask the same. Family life is a topic of high priority on the minds of most.
One question that many young devotees ask: "Should I get married?". Sometimes old devotees also ask the same. Once, I heard it from a lady in her late 50s who had lost her husband. It seems that family life is a topic of high priority on the minds of most.
This is not a surprise. It's not because we are fallen or have some kind of spiritual defect, but just because family life is such an important part of life in the material world, and therefore a very great necessity for most of us.
We may bring many arguments to the table, but in the end, the question is quite simple: people have a need for loving and feeling loved. This is the eternal characteristic of the soul. When one is sufficiently advanced on the spiritual path, one can apply this loving propensity to Krsna, which brings full satisfaction. At this stage, there is no need to exert it on the material platform. These are the ones who become disinterested in the material world and are perfectly happy in serving and advancing further in spiritual life. These are sadhus who must be respected.
However, this platform is not viable for most. Not only we have to be already practicing Krsna Consciousness in his previous life and have attained an advanced level, but we have to be able to find a good environment, with senior devotees who can properly guide us, like-minded devotees with whom to can have deep friendship and services that are according to our nature, where we can apply our propensity for action in a positive way.
For ladies, the situation is much more difficult, because not only do ladies have a very deep need for family life and motherhood, but also because opportunities for ladies living in temples and being properly maintained are rare in our society. On top of that, there is great social pressure. Ladies who decide not to get married usually face a lot of difficulties in our society. We can see that practically all lady disciples of Srila Prabhupada got married at some point, and there are good reasons for that. There are a few ascetic ladies in our tradition, but they are the exception, not the rule.
As long as one is not a liberated soul, the place for exerting this loving propensity is in family life. That's the place where this loving propensity can be used in a positive way to serve one's partner and children. Just as we have this necessity, other people also have the same need, and by being a good wife or husband, one not only solves one’s own problem but also helps another person. Children also have the same need for love, and family life is also an opportunity to serve in this direction. To raise and properly educate a few children to be devotees of Krsna is probably the best service most of us can possibly do.
Many of course have fear. The men fear the responsibility, and the ladies fear being restricted or mistreated, and everyone fears the long-term commitment to the children. There is also fear of failure, fear of not being able to find a good partner, fear of ridicule, of being judged, and so on. However, fear is not a very good reason to avoid doing necessary things. In the Bhagavad-Gita, Krsna explains that "one who gives up prescribed duties as troublesome or out of fear of bodily discomfort is said to have renounced in the mode of passion. Such action never leads to the elevation of renunciation." We can see practically that devotees who are not sufficiently qualified for a life of renunciation, but at the same time avoid family life out of fear or frustration, rarely attain any good results from it.
Two verses later, Krsna explains how true renunciation is based on accepting one's natural position and executing his duties without fear and without attachment to the result. This is actually true renunciation and not the simple avoidance of the duty: "O Arjuna, when one performs his prescribed duty only because it ought to be done, and renounces all material association and all attachment to the fruit, his renunciation is said to be in the mode of goodness."
Most of the time, the real renunciation for both men and women is to renounce one's idea of being "free" and avoiding responsibility, and instead to settle down in a place and accept the long-term responsibility of taking care of a family. This is often the position that can offer a platform where most of us can continue advancing in spiritual life. Proper grhastas have the chance of advancing faster in spiritual life than devotees who try to renounce for the wrong reasons.
Family life is a difficult thing to do in our age, because that's something we learn how to do properly in our childhood, by observing our parents, and most of us lack good examples in this direction. In most cases, we need to learn on duty, by committing mistakes and fixing them. It helps, however, when we have proper guidance from senior devotees, who can help us to avoid the most serious problems.
For one who is starting in spiritual life, I would recommend practicing seriously or even living in the ashram for some time, getting some training, strengthening one’s spiritual practice, and considering going to family life when the possibility appears. It's not easy to find a suitable partner, and it can take time; therefore, the best is to find a position where one is happy and engaged in spiritual life and can be cool about it for some time, and move to family life when the opportunity appears. If one waits too long, he or she may come to a point where the need becomes too urgent and one can't choose a suitable partner with a cool mind. It's important to avoid that.
How is this article connected with the photo? Simple: If it were not for the services of the parents of all these devotees in the photo, there would be no Ratha-yatra, there would be no Prabhupada, and there would be no Krsna Consciousness in the West. And we would not be here discussing Krsna. Family life is not just "Maya"; there are important services to be done there.
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Hare Krishna Prabhu ji 🙏 thank you so much very Practical article.
Hare Krishna prabhuji. Many thanks for clearing so many doubts in this article.I too had this question seated in my heart for a long time. But after reading your article I now realise that being a son , father etc are all KC activities aswell. Jaya srila prabhupad