The blessing and trap of family life

Family life is recommended in the scriptures because it offers us a foundation for our spiritual practice. It is, however, is not a solution in itself. It demands a continuous effort.

Family life is recommended in the scriptures because it offers us a foundation for our spiritual practice, where we have space to develop our material activities and fulfill our desires and ambitions to a certain extent, but at the same time continue to progress in spiritual life. Family life, however, is not a solution in itself. It demands a continuous effort in the direction of cultivating transcendental knowledge and developing our Krsna Consciousness. When this effort is abandoned, we can very easily fall into the trap of materialistic life, even if externally still following basic rules and regulations. That's the trap of pious materialistic life.

These two sides of the question are explained by Prabhupada in his purport to (SB 4.27.1): "By coming home, taking his bath, eating nice foodstuffs, getting refreshed and searching out his wife, King Purañjana came to his good consciousness in his family life. In other words, a systematic family life as enjoined in the Vedas is better than an irresponsible sinful life. If a husband and wife combine together in Kṛṣṇa consciousness and live together peacefully, that is very nice. However, if a husband becomes too much attracted by his wife and forgets his duty in life, the implications of materialistic life will again resume."

He then explains the goal: "Śrīla Rūpa Gosvāmī has therefore recommended, anāsaktasya viṣayān (Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu 1.2.255). Without being attached by sex, the husband and wife may live together for the advancement of spiritual life. The husband should engage in devotional service, and the wife should be faithful and religious according to the Vedic injunctions. Such a combination is very good. However, if the husband becomes too much attracted to the wife due to sex, the position becomes very dangerous."

He makes the point that in family life, it is the duty of the husband to satisfy the material needs of the wife for clothes, ornaments, children, etc., but at the same time engage her in Krsna Consciousness, just as the wife tries to satisfy the needs of the husband for respect, attention, intimacy, etc. In this way, both the husband and wife get something out of it, materially speaking, but the real goal is the practice of Krsna Consciousness. When this goal is forgotten and one becomes absorbed in material pleasures and economic development, family life becomes a trap. It is, in any case, still better than plain sinful life in promiscuous relationships, but if spiritual practice is not present, we are just wasting our time.

Why should the husband take care of the necessities of the wife? And why should the wife bother trying to understand what the husband needs? Shouldn't we just practice Krsna Consciousness? The point is that if we were ready to just practice, forgetting all material needs, we would not have a desire to enter family life in the first place. We would be satisfied just chanting under the tree. Our family status is proof that we are not ready for it.

When basic necessities are satisfied, family life can be peaceful, and we can have a stable foundation to pursue our spiritual practice, balancing it with different material duties. This particular purport mentions more the side of the man, but the same applies to both. However, as Prabhupada puts it, "if the man becomes attracted to the woman simply for sex enjoyment, then family life becomes abominable."

As we can see, family life is a balancing act, where on the one hand one has to take care of material needs and provide for one's family, but on the other hand should not lose track of the goal of life.

Family life can be understood as a stepping stone, or as a ladder to get out of a sinful, promiscuous life devoid of responsibility and keep oneself on a platform of piety. However, as the story of Purañjana teaches us, a mere life of material piety devoid of Krsna Consciousness is not sufficient. To go somewhere, we need to avoid being caught in the illusion of materialistic life. For a man, the trap is to become too attracted to sexual life, or, on the other extreme, to neglect his family duties; and for a woman the trap is to become too attracted to material processions, social status and other aspects of materialistic life, and use her husband to obtain these things instead of assisting him in the development of his Krsna Consciousness. A good wife is called dharma-patnī, because she assists the husband in his spiritual practice, creating an auspicious situation where both can advance.

If both are successful, their family life can become like Vaikuṇṭha. Otherwise, if a man becomes too attracted to sexual life, becoming absorbed in simply satisfying the whims of a materialistic wife, or if a woman becomes too much involved in her own material ambitions and forgets the goal of life, family life can easily be converted into a prison where we simply waste our precious human life without achieving neither material happiness we hoped for, nor the spiritual advancement we could have made otherwise.

As Prabhupada concludes: "The conclusion is that a household life is better than a sinful life devoid of responsibility, but if in the household life the husband becomes subordinate to the wife, involvement in materialistic life again becomes prominent. In this way a man’s material bondage becomes enhanced. Because of this, according to the Vedic system, after a certain age a man is recommended to abandon his family life for the stages of vānaprastha and sannyāsa."

Another point that is mentioned in the passage is that after he returned home, the wife of Purañjana dressed nicely to receive him. This also has a meaning.

It is described that she bathed and decorated herself to satisfy him. Prabhupada connects this to a good wife dressing herself well to keep her husband happy, thereby helping him fulfill his family duties. This comes from the idea of dovetailing our natural propensities with beneficial activities. If a woman desires to dress well, she should do so for her husband or for the Lord. As Prabhupada explains:

"It is the duty of the wife to dress herself up very nicely so that when her husband returns home he becomes attracted by her dress and cleanliness and thus becomes satisfied. In other words, the wife is the inspiration of all good intelligence. Upon seeing one’s wife dressed nicely, one can think very soberly about family business. When a person is too anxious about family affairs, he cannot discharge his family duties nicely. A wife is therefore supposed to be an inspiration and should keep the husband’s intelligence in good order so that they can combinedly prosecute the affairs of family life without impediment."

There is nothing wrong with a couple having affection for each other. Sex life is also expected, as well as everything else connected with a peaceful life at home. The point is that all of this must be combined with the development of Krsna Consciousness.

Prabhupada makes a series of sobering points: "Human consciousness should be used for elevation to Kṛṣṇa consciousness. But when a person is too much attracted to his wife and family affairs, he does not take Kṛṣṇa consciousness very seriously. He thus becomes degraded, not knowing that he cannot buy back even a second of his life in return for millions of dollars. The greatest loss in life is passing time without understanding Kṛṣṇa. Every moment of our lives should be utilized properly, and the proper use of life is to increase devotional service to the Lord. Without devotional service to the Lord, the activities of life become simply a waste of time (śrama eva hi kevalam). Simply by becoming “dutiful” we do not make any profit in life. If after performing one’s occupational duty very perfectly one does not make progress in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, it should be understood that he has simply wasted his time in valueless labor."

Read also:

If you read this article to the end, give it a like. This makes Substack recommend it to more people.