The first and possibly the most serious mistake in family life
There are several mistaken concepts in the modern concept of family life, and of course, many of these ideas also affect devotees. Here is a particular serious one.
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There are several mistaken concepts in the modern concept of family life, and of course, many of these ideas also affect devotees, since, liking it or not, we are coming from general society and still share a lot of values and beliefs with it.
The first mistake is to assume that happiness in family life is related to sex life. This is a concept sold in advertisements, movies, books, and all sorts of other media. People get into family life in search of happiness by finding one’s better half, and sex life may be considered part of it, but one may be surprised at how little pleasure there really is in sex life. Sex life is used by material nature as a type of carrot hanging in front of our heads. Since the carrot is fixed and is moving alongside us, we never reach it. We thus work based on expectations that are never fully realized.
The reality is that happiness in family life is not very much connected with sex life (which actually causes more problems than it solves), but with our capacity to reach two other goals:
a) Peacefully cooperating in spiritual life, which gives us a platform to practice Kṛṣṇa Consciousness.
b) Raising children, which allows one to fulfill the need for strong bonds and relationships most of us have.
Some couples may be able to quickly reach the first platform, which is the source of real happiness. Most of us, however, will still be battling material desires, and children within marriage are one of the factors that help us to deal with them. This is a factor that is often overlooked. More often than not, material desires have their root in a search for deep emotional relationships. When we can’t form these bounds, we will be inclined to use other forms of personal gratification to fill the gap, but this leads to frustration, because they can’t properly fill up the hole inside the heart.
The deepest connection is our relationship with Kṛṣṇa, but as long as we are not ready to reestablish it, the emotional connection that comes from raising a child is the closest to it.
The idea that children should be avoided actually contributes to making people unhappy and serves as an obstacle for them to develop their true potential in spiritual life. Odd as it may seem, family life is a great school where we can learn a lot about what Kṛṣṇa explains in the Bhagavad-gītā in working for Him according to our natural inclinations and purifying material desires. Some have already graduated from this school in previous lives and are now ready to progress to a renounced life, but most of us can learn a lot from it, and one of the lessons is how to put sex life into the right context.
Basing relationships on sex life creates other problems, such as infidelity, since once a person realizes that the illusory sexual satisfaction he or she is looking for is not available in the marriage, he or she will start looking around for other partners, leading to the cycle of divorces, remarriages, scandals, and extra-conjugal affairs we have become used to.
Instead, the Vedic conception of marriage is based on partnership, on working together to fulfill a greater mission, which may be cooperating together in devotional service, and or raising Kṛṣṇa Conscious children. We can see that both options are based on stopping putting ourselves in the center. That’s the base for any form of higher life.
The goal of raising good children is, in turn, strongly connected with the idea of restricting sex life. Why? The problem is that excessive sex life lowers our consciousness, by making us see ourselves again as the center and become thus more materialistic. Once our consciousness becomes fixed on personal satisfaction, instead of service to others, the whole package of materialistic life starts, and our spiritual practice falls into the background. In this lowered state of consciousness, we may beget children “by accident” who may not be particularly enlightened. This can sabotage the whole effort.
While any child can be educated to become a devotee, the inclinations a child brings from previous lives, as well as his nature, character, and desires, play a huge role. A child who comes with a heavier load of negative inclinations will demand much more work from the part of the parents, and the results will still be uncertain.
How to start right, and be able to beget children who will be spiritually inclined from the start? We can learn the formula from Vasudeva and Devakī. They are the gold standard since God Himself became their son.
Their history is described in the 10th canto of Śrīmad Bhāgavatam, 3rd chapter. In their previous lives, they were Pṛśni and Sutapā. Being a couple, they were ordered by Lord Brahma to create progeny (which is, in general, a duty for everyone in family life). However, they did not start doing it immediately. Instead, they spent 12,000 celestial years practicing serious austerities to purify themselves, worshiping the Lord with the goal of obtaining a son just like Him. Satisfied with their sincerity, the Lord appeared to give them a benediction, but unable to find anyone like Him, He agreed to directly become their son, coming as Pṛśnigarbha. In their next lives, they appeared as Aditi and Kaśyapa, and the Lord again became their son as Vāmanadeva. Finally, as Vasudeva and Devakī, Kṛṣṇa came personally, taking birth in the prison of Kaṁsa.
As human beings, we always have the choice of purifying or degrading our consciousness. The choice may be made consciously or unconsciously (through our actions), but it is always there. Children are produced as a result of the consciousness of the parents. Of course, we understand that the soul is eternal, but the body is created during the sexual union, and the type of body that is created will determine what kind of soul will take shelter in it.
We start our lives at a certain level of consciousness, and the tendency is that we will beget children of a similar nature. However, by the practice of Kṛṣṇa Consciousness, we have the opportunity of elevating our consciousness and, as a result, the opportunity of begetting children that are much more elevated than we were at the beginning of our lives. If these children are properly educated, they can further elevate their consciousness and later beget children who are even more enlightened, leading to a gradual upliftment of the family. Śrila Prabhupāda once said that starting from the third generation, pure devotees would start taking birth in our movement, illustrating how this process can work.
To purify our consciousness, we need to seriously practice Kṛṣṇa Consciousness. The practice of austerities such as fasting on ekādaśīs and following vratas such as the Bhīṣma Pañcaka and the Payo-vrata is also important since they not only help to purify us but also give us pious merit, which is also an important factor in family life. From the story of Vasudeva and Devakī, we learn that an important step after marriage is exactly to dedicate some time to pilgrimages and serious spiritual practice to purify our consciousness before starting to beget children. Whatever consciousness we have at the time we conceive, that’s where our children will start from.
In the Śrīmad Bhāgavatam (11th canto), it’s mentioned that people from previous eras, as well as from the celestial planets, desire to take birth in this age of Kali to participate in the movement of Lord Caitanya. These are the reinforcements that will gradually turn the tide of materialism. The problem, however, is that elevated personalities depend on the presence of the right circumstances to take birth, and the most basic requirement is the presence of a qualified couple to act as their parents. The start of the Golden Age is dependent on the coming of such elevated souls, and their coming is in turn connected with the seriousness of the spiritual practice of our couples. One who is in family life can take part in bringing one of such souls and properly educating him or her as his lifetime service and thus give an important contribution to the world.
Begetting children in family life should thus not be seen as just a “duty” or “austerity” but as a great opportunity to not just improve ourselves but also to perform an important service and give a valuable contribution to the world.
Śrila Prabhupāda makes a few interesting points in this connection on his purport to SB 10.3.33:
“If one is determined to make spiritual advancement, he will not beget a child unless able to make that child a devotee. As stated in Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam (5.5.18), pitā na sa syāt: one should not become a father unless one is able to protect his child from mṛtyu, the path of birth and death. But where is there education about this? A responsible father never begets children like cats and dogs. Instead of being encouraged to adopt artificial means of birth control, people should be educated in Kṛṣṇa consciousness because only then will they understand their responsibility to their children. If one can beget children who will be devotees and be taught to turn aside from the path of birth and death (mṛtyu-saṁsāra-vartmani), there is no need of birth control. Rather, one should be encouraged to beget children. Artificial means of birth control have no value. Whether one begets children or does not, a population of men who are like cats and dogs will never make human society happy. It is therefore necessary for people to be educated spiritually so that instead of begetting children like cats and dogs, they will undergo austerities to produce devotees. This will make their lives successful.”
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