The hero trap: Why renounced men sometimes live surrounded by women

Because lust is so difficult to tame, it is taken as a proof of spiritual advancement. However, when men not in such a platform of saintliness try to imitate, the results may not be so positive

Subscribe to receive new articles by e-mail. It’s free, but if you like, you can pledge a donation:

Sexual desire is one of the greatest challenges for men trying to progress in Krsna Consciousness. In men, lust is usually focused on this single point: the attraction to the opposite gender, which becomes the basic expression of the soul’s desire to enjoy matter. This fixation becomes especially prominent when we try to control it.

Because lust is so difficult to tame, it is usually taken as proof of spiritual advancement. When one genuinely comes to the point of interacting with ladies without showing any form of interest apart from assisting them in the spiritual path and bringing them closer to Krsna, it’s clear that he is close to the ultimate goal. That is part of the mystic of genuine pure devotees.

However, when men who are still not in such a platform of saintliness try to imitate, the results may not be so positive.

When we speak about “sexual desire”, we often think about carnal attraction, but this is just part of the problem. Even after a man can surpass it, an even more serious problem remains: subtle attraction, which goes much deeper. Exactly because it is more subtle, it is harder to abandon. Subtle attraction comes from the need for emotional support, assurance, and validation. It is about ego instead of body.

Even when one can get respect and validation from other men, it is not nearly as pleasant as when it comes from an attractive lady. Except for pure devotees, every man wants to be a hero.

Prabhupāda explains this point in his purport to SB 4.25.25:

“It is said in the Prema-vivarta that when a living entity wants to enjoy material nature, he is immediately victimized by the material energy. A living entity is not forced to come into the material world. He makes his own choice, being attracted by beautiful women. Every living entity has the freedom to be attracted by material nature or to stand as a hero and resist that attraction. It is simply a question of the living entity’s being attracted or not being attracted. There is no question of his being forced to come into contact with material energy. One who can keep himself steady and resist the attraction of material nature is certainly a hero and deserves to be called a gosvāmī. Unless one is master of the senses, he cannot become a gosvāmī. The living entity can take one of two positions in this world. He may become a servant of his senses, or he may become master of them. By becoming a servant of the senses, one becomes a great material hero, and by becoming master of the senses, he becomes a gosvāmī, or spiritual hero.”

When one can’t surpass his attraction to women by spiritual practice alone, the healthy way to deal with this need is within marriage. If one can become a great hero to his wife and children by properly taking care of them, this is certainly positive. It may not be pure devotion yet, but it can work as a building block in that direction by helping one to develop an attitude of service.

There is a trap, however. Often, we get carried away and reject the idea of marriage altogether, hoping to become free from both gross and subtle attraction as we progress in spiritual life. Sometimes it works, and one is able to transcend. Others, however, may fall into the hero trap.

When we become serious in our practice, especially when we have other qualities, such as speaking well, we tend to accumulate a following over the years. People start to see us as role models and take guidance from us, often projecting purity into us, even if we are still evolving on the path and haven’t yet reached such high standards.

We then have the opportunity of becoming a spiritual guide. The difficulty is that such a following usually also includes ladies, sometimes young and attractive. If one is not well resolved in his need for validation and emotional support, it is easy to start using these ladies for that, under the guise of engaging them in service and giving them spiritual instructions. It can come to a point where one poses as a renounced person, using saffron cloth and everything, while at the same time surrounded by ladies who are used for emotional support and different services.

Because the situation does not involve any form of physical intimacy, one can get involved even with married ladies, getting their admiration, support, and services, without the need to maintain them. This creates a perfect environment for the male ego, free to pose as a hero for many different women, receiving their attention and admiration, all of this free from the constraints of marriage, in the name of giving mercy.

This is a form of spiritual exploitation, where people come to us seeking guidance, and we use it to obtain the support and validation we seek, encouraging emotional entanglement. Women have a natural tendency to become attached to men who give them shelter, so it is not difficult for a man who is older and more experienced to misuse that.

We can see that Śrīla Bhaktisiddhānta Sarasvatī Thākura was very strict in his dealings with women, refusing to talk privately with them, even for spiritual instructions. Once, when a married lady asked to talk privately about challenges she faced, he refused, arguing that they could discuss whatever she needed to express in the presence of her husband. Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu would go even further by not accepting that ladies would come close, even to offer obeisances. These examples may sound exaggerated in the modern context, but they make the point of how serious the question is. One may be a married man, or one may be a celibate, according to what is most suitable, but to sit in the middle is questionable.

Some may be able to keep the act for their whole lives, keeping the company of different ladies while at the same time superficially keeping their vows, but often the subtle attraction becomes gross attraction over time, leading to scandals. Even if it doesn’t, there are other negative traces that may accompany it, such as attraction for material comforts and status.

It is normal for any spiritual teacher to receive donations from his students; that’s something that is prominent in Vedic culture. The reason people give money to persons perceived as saintly is because they trust that one will be able to able to use it appropriately, spreading Krsna Consciousness, or redirecting it to others. There is, however, the chance that one may be tempted to use it for his own purposes, acquiring all types of luxuries he has ever desired to have, often under the guise of using it for preaching purposes. If one has already been caught in the mood of enjoyment from the subtle association with ladies, this step becomes almost natural.

All of this can be justified on the basis that one is using all these facilities for service, or that one is just accepting what his followers give as a way of engaging them. We can see that Prabhupāda also accepted a lot of facilities offered by his disciples to teach them how to properly honor the spiritual master. There is, however, a great difference between a genuine spiritual master who is honestly engaging his disciples and a not-so-enlightened person who takes advantage of the situation.

This can also lead to other types of contradictions. One can teach his male followers to be over strict in dealing with ladies, while he himself is indulging in their company, or define women as maya or less intelligent, while at the same time attracted to them, and so on, which creates further problems.

Prabhupāda once explained that there are three traps that the material nature often presents to emerging transcendentalists: material facilities, the possibility of becoming a famous religious leader, and impersonalism (the possibility of becoming God himself). We can see that this pattern sets us up for the first two, enjoying wealth, fame, and feminine attention in the name of spirituality. If one falls for that and starts to see himself as the enjoyer of his personal circle of followers, the situation can go as far as one starts claiming to be God himself; if not directly, at least in practice, by replacing Him as the object of worship.

You can also donate using Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, Wise, Revolut, or bank transfers. There is a separate page with all the links. This helps me enormously to have time to write instead of doing other things to make a living. Thanks!