What exactly does “illicit sex” mean?

Not only is it sex very hard to give up, but it is also the point where there are the most serious restrictions. This combination historically led to many problems. What to do?

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We may theoretically understand that we are the soul and not the body. Still, feeling and acting like a soul may not be as easy as we may initially think. The identification with the body goes very deep in our consciousness, and in fact, we don’t even have just one body: after giving up the physical body, there is still the subtle body composed of the mind, intelligence, and ego that is very hard to give up. Going from conditioned life to a completely liberated platform is actually a long way.

Amongst different material activities connected with the body, there are four that are very difficult to give up: eating tasty foods, sleeping, defending ourselves and our social position, and having sex life.

The first two are kind of straightforward in Krsna Consciousness: although there is a general recommendation we should try to control our eating and sleeping, there is no prohibition. One may very well eat as much prasadam as he wants, and sleep as much as necessary to keep his mind in order. Eating and sleeping are more about balance than restriction.

We also understand that excessive concern with defense is counterproductive to spiritual life and that we should, as far as possibl,e depend on Krsna, but again there is no prohibition: one may also defend himself as he sees fit, just avoiding excesses. We see even stories of great Vaishnavas fighting in battles, like Arjuna or Hanuman.

In this way, we can see that there is no great difficulty in harmonizing these three activities with Krsna Consciousness. We understand that the goal is to gradually minimize these material propensities and connect them with Krishna, but one may do this at his own pace, progressing during his or her life.

The greatest problem is sex life. Not only is it the hardest to give up, but also the point where there are the most serious restrictions. This combination of strong desire and restrictions historically led to many problems, including celibates getting involved in sexual scandals, married men and women getting involved in extramarital affairs, divorces, and so on.

There is also a lot of discussion about what exactly we are supposed to follow. Is it sufficient to restrain sex life to married life, or does one to go for the more restrictive idea of sex only for begetting children?

In different passages, Srila Prabhupada mentions three different ideas, which may sound contradictory at first:

- Sex only inside married life.

- Sex once per month on the 6th day after the start of the period.

- Sex only with the explicit purpose of begetting children.

We can see that in other topics, Prabhupada is very consistent in his instructions. When he speaks about meat eating, for example, he always gives the idea of avoiding any type of meat, as well as fish and eggs. Occasionally, he mentions that people may eat other animals and just refrain from killing cows, but in these cases, it’s clear that this applies to meat eaters, not to devotees.

Why then is there this apparent ambiguity in his instructions regarding sex life, and what does it mean?

As in other points, there is actually no ambiguity; it’s just that in different passages he speaks about three different standards.

The idea of sex restricted to married life is the general principle for civilized human beings. Without it, people just go from one partner to the other, and children grow up without the presence of a father, a mother, or both, which is profoundly destructive for society. Of course, these things are common nowadays, but it doesn’t make it any better. Families are the fabric of civilized society. Without families, there is no transmission of culture and values, and children are educated based on what they see on television or social media. The basic commitment of a man and a woman partnering to raise their children is the start of any kind of progressive society. A couple meet, there is affinity, the relationship progresses, they get married, enjoy their sexual life, and take care of the children that the Lord sends as the natural result of this relationship, resulting in a situation that is positive for everyone involved. It has been done since the beginning of time.

The second standard, of having sex once per month on the sixth day after the start of the period, is a standard prescribed in the Manu Samhita and other dharma sastras. Srila Prabhupada suggests that general followers of the Vedas were following this standard in previous eras. On SB 5.13.4, for example, he mentions:

“It is said that household attraction resides in the wife because sex is the center of household life: yan maithunādi-gṛhamedhi-sukhaṁ hi tuccham. A materialistic person, making his wife the center of attraction, works very hard day and night. His only enjoyment in material life is sexual intercourse. Therefore karmīs are attracted to women as friends or wives. Indeed, they cannot work without sex. Under the circumstances the wife is compared to a whirlwind, especially during her menstrual period. Those who strictly follow the rules and regulations of householder life engage in sex only once a month, at the end of the menstrual period. As one looks forward to this opportunity, his eyes are overwhelmed by the beauty of his wife. Thus it is said that the whirlwind covers the eyes with dust.” (SB 5.13.4)

It’s important to note that women become fertile only much later in the cycle, usually around the 13th, 14th, or 15th day after the start of the period. Except in some uncommon cases, sexual intercourse on the 6th day has a very small chance of resulting in pregnancy.

As Prabhupada suggests in this verse, this seems to be a general concession for men who need regular sex life in order to perform their family duties. Since it’s prescribed in the dharma sastras, we can understand it is not sinful. Although there may be no explicit intention to beget a child, and the possibility of pregnancy is extraordinarily low, one is not using contraceptives and not going against the laws of nature.

As Prabhupada explains, that is the general standard followed by people engaged in fruitive activities. However, at the same time, he mentions it may not be the best for devotees seriously interested in advancing in spiritual life.

This leads to the idea of no sex life except for explicitly begetting a child, which is summarized in his purport to SB 6.4.52:

“It should be noted that although such a facility for sexual intercourse is achieved by the grace of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, this facility is not offered to advanced devotees, who are free from material desires (anyābhilāṣitā-śūnyam [Madhya 19.167]). In this connection it may be noted that if the American boys and girls engaged in the Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement want to advance in Kṛṣṇa consciousness to achieve the supreme benefit of loving service to the Lord, they should refrain from indulging in this facility for sex life. Therefore we advise that one should at least refrain from illicit sex. Even if there are opportunities for sex life, one should voluntarily accept the limitation of having sex only for progeny, not for any other purpose. Kardama Muni was also given the facility for sex life, but he had only a slight desire for it. Therefore after begetting children in the womb of Devahūti, Kardama Muni became completely renounced. The purport is that if one wants to return home, back to Godhead, one should voluntarily refrain from sex life. Sex should be accepted only as much as needed, not unlimitedly.”

What can we take from this? We should see how far we can realistically go. Sexual desire tends to diminish with age and as one advances in spiritual life. The subtle desire for romantic relationships is harder to overcome, but the gross sexual impulse diminishes over time. The difficulty is that we normally get married earlier in our spiritual lives, when material desires are still strong, and we need to find some balance that allows us to continue practicing spiritual life while at the same time living a pious life.

Srila Prabhupada was teaching that devotees who are serious in their practice of Krsna Consciousness should try to follow the highest standard of having sex life only for begetting children, but at the same time, he was lenient with his married disciples who could not follow such a high standard, but were at least having sex life only inside marriage. Prabhupada was also making clear that sex inside family life is always much better than real illicit sex outside of it.

Once it became known that a married devotee living in Mayapur had an affair with a local society girl. Prabhupada called the devotee and asked him why he had done that, and he explained he was too much tormented by lust and couldn’t control himself. Prabhupada exclaimed, “But you are married! Why did you have to go to a prostitute!?” In his defense, the devotee said that his wife wanted to follow the principle of no illicit sex, and therefore, he couldn’t have sex with her. Prabhupada instructed him that sex inside marriage is an extremely minor violation compared to sex outside of marriage.

Bhavananda Prabhu relates that once he went to Prabhupada to complain that some of the couples living in Mayapur were having sex more than once a month, but Prabhupada just ignored him. A little later, when he insisted, Prabhupada cut him sharply: “Why do you think I told them to get married?”

In another famous passage, a lady disciple left her husband. When Prabhupada asked her why, she explained that it was because he was in Maya and always wanted to have sex. Srila Prabhupada asked, “And you cannot satisfy?”

By taking these different passages together, we can understand that while sex outside family life is always condemned, sex with one’s spouse, even if just for fun, is a gray area. In the highest sense, it’s better to avoid sex altogether, because it doesn’t help us to acquire pure love for Krsna, just like it’s better if one can completely renounce the natural propensities of eating, sleeping, and defending, but since in most cases it is not possible, one has to see where he or she fits.

There are different standards and different priorities, and ultimately, one has to see where he or she is. A common question is about initiation: what standard do we have to follow to maintain our initiation vows? The best is to just talk with the spiritual master about what standards he expects. This is the type of thing that should be discussed with the guru, and not in a public forum.

The two main priorities are not have extramarital affairs and not divorce. In comparison, sex life inside marriage is a minor violation. It doesn’t help us in our spiritual life, but it’s not very sinful either.

If one is advanced enough to have sex only for begetting children, that’s the best. If not, one can try to restrain oneself to once per month. If we conducted a statistical study of couples married for more than a few years, we would probably discover that the majority don’t have sex more frequently than that anyway. Sex may sound exciting when one is constantly hunting for new partners, but once one settles into family life, it quickly becomes boring. Most of the problem is the way sex is overrated in the media.

If that’s also not possible, then one should at least try to uphold the two main principles of not having sex outside the marriage and not divorcing, as well as properly educating the children in Krsna Consciousness when they come.

All these different standards are inside the scope of the teachings of Srila Prabhupada.

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