Yājñavalkya teaches Maitreyī about self-realization (aka: How to find happiness?)

If a wife loves her husband and thinks that by her own power, she will make him love her, she will end up not being loved by her husband. If, however, on loves the Lord, only then will one be loved.

Jul 14, 2025

A long time ago, a great sage called Yājñavalkya told his wife: "In reality, a husband is not dear; not because you love the husband, but because you love the Lord, the husband becomes dear. In reality, sons are not dear; not because you love the sons, but because you love the Lord, the sons become dear. In the same way, a wife is not dear; not because one loves the wife, but because he loves the Lord, the wife becomes dear." In this way, he explained how affection should be centered around the Lord, and not directly placed directly in the people and objects we love. If a wife loves her husband and thinks that by her own power, she will make him love her, she will end up not being loved by her husband. Similarly, if one loves his children or his wife and thinks that by his own power, he will make them love him, he will, in the end, not be loved by them. If, however, he loves the Lord and from there loves the husband, children, and wife, seeing them in connection to the Lord, only then will he be loved by his wife, husband, father, or mother. The Lord should be our ultimate object of love, and by loving the Lord, everyone will automatically love us. It's not possible to attain happiness by chasing people or material objects. Only when we connect ourselves with the Supreme Lord can all desirable things come automatically.

Vyasadeva left a total of 108 Upanisads with selected passages from the four Vedas, as well as other Vedic literature that speaks directly about self-realization. Crowding this literature is the Bhagavad-Gītā, which offers the conclusions of all Upanisads.

As expected, the Upanisads are full of interesting passages, but most of it is not easy to understand, due to the scarcity of good translations or lack of explanations of what the passages mean.

Here is an interesting passage from the Bṛhad-āraṇyaka Upanisad (2.4.5), where Yājñavalkya teaches his wife Maitreyī about self-realization.

The context is that Yājñavalkya had two wives: Maitreyī and Kātyāyanī. The second was just interested in regular household affairs, while Maitreyī was interested in spiritual knowledge. When later in life Yājñavalkya was preparing to accept the Vanaprastha order and go to the forest, he called Maitreyī and proposed to make a settlement, dividing the properties between her and Kātyāyanī. To this, Maitreyī answered:

“My lord, if this whole earth, full of wealth belonged to me, tell me, would I be immortal by it, or not?”
Yājñavalkya replied: “No, your life would be the life of a rich person, but there is no hope of immortality by wealth.”
Then Maitreyī said “What use of it, if I will not become immortal? What you, my lord, know of immortality? Tell me clearly.”
Yājñavalkya said, “You are truly dear to me, and you have increased what is dear to me in you (spiritual knowledge). Therefore if you like, my lady, I will explain it to you. Please mark well what I say."

Then he said:

"In reality, a husband is not dear; not because you love the husband, but because you love the Self (ātmā), the husband becomes dear. In reality, sons are not dear; not because you love the sons, but because you love the Self (ātmā), the sons become dear. In the same way, a wife is not dear; not because one loves the wife, but because he loves the Self (ātmā), the wife becomes dear."

The word "ātmā" (self) is commonly used to refer to the Lord in the scriptures. Sometimes ātmā is used in the sense of our personal self, being it the soul, or even the mind or body, according to the context, but the original meaning of the word ātmā is the Supreme Lord, the Supreme Self. The Lord should be our ultimate object of love, and by loving the Lord, everyone will automatically love us.

In this way, Yājñavalkya then explained that all the people things we consider dear in this world, like the husband, wife, children, wealth, brāhmanas, kings, planets, demigods, and in fact as other living entities, and everything that exists are not dear to us by their own sake but because of their connection of the Lord. When we love these persons and objects for their own sake, without realizing their connection with the Lord, we are rejected by them, or in other words, we lose them in due curse of time. In this way, Yājñavalkya made a powerful statement that sent Maitreyī on the path of self-realization, expressing the illusory nature of this world and revealing the Lord as the underlying principle behind everything that exists and the ultimate destination.

The key word in the instructions is kāmāya (desire): na vā are patyuḥ kāmāya patiḥ priyo bhavati, ātmanas tu kāmāya patiḥ priyo bhavati. It is not for the sake of the husband that the husband is dear, but for the sake of ātma, the Lord, that he becomes dear. The same is repeated for the wife, children, etc.

How does this attraction work? Lord Sri Caitanya Mahāprabhu explains that: jīvera svarūpa haya — kṛṣṇera nitya-dāsa, "It is the living entity’s constitutional position to be an eternal servant of Kṛṣṇa". He also says: nitya-siddha kṛṣṇa-prema 'sādhya' kabhu naya, "Pure love for Kṛṣṇa is eternally established in the hearts of the living entities. It is not something to be gained from another source."

Love for Krsna is the eternal characteristic of the soul and thus can't be separated from it, as much as liquidity can be separated from water, but this love for Krsna can be covered, and when this happens, it manifests as lust, attraction to objects of sense enjoyment. At the same time, however, as Krsna explains in the Gītā, "Know that all opulent, beautiful and glorious creations spring from but a spark of My splendor."

Just like the light of the sun is just a faint reflection of the light of Krsna's effulgence, all beauty, power, strength, intelligence, knowledge, and renunciation, or in other words, all the qualities that we find attractive in different beings and objects are just faint reflections of the opulence of Krsna. These different people and objects are just like mirrors, where the beauty, opulence, etc. of Krsna are reflected. However, due to the influence of illusion, we become attracted to the mirror instead of becoming attracted to the person being reflected. When we become attracted by the illusion instead of the real Self, we end up being abandoned by all these things, since this is the nature of the material illusion.

Yājñavalkya then proceeds with his explanation, mentioning other things that are dear to ordinary people, such as wealth, cows, and other domestic animals, Brahmanas, Ksatriyas, the planets, the demigods, the Vedas, and the different living beings. He then concludes by saying that in reality, everything becomes dear only when one loves the Supreme Self, the Lord.

“Verily, the Self should be seen, heard, worshiped, and always meditated on. O Maitreyī, by seeing, hearing, worshiping, and understanding the Self (ātmā), everything becomes known.
Whoever looks for the brāhmaṇas elsewhere than in the Self, is abandoned by the brāhmaṇas.
Whoever looks for the kṣatriyas elsewhere than in the Self, is abandoned by the kṣatriyas.
Whoever looks for the worlds elsewhere than in the Self, is abandoned by the worlds.
Whoever looks for the devas elsewhere than in the Self, is abandoned by the devas.
Whoever looks for the living entities elsewhere than in the Self, is abandoned by the living entities.
Whoever looks for everything elsewhere than in the Self, is abandoned by everything.
These brāhmaṇas, kṣatriyas, worlds, devas, Vedas, all living entities, all and everything is the Self."

Due to the influence of Maya and our own covering by lust, we look at attractive people and objects and see them as separate from Krsna, and thus as objects of our enjoyment. We think then that the husband, wife, etc. are dear to us for their own sake, but in reality they are attractive to us because of the presence of Krsna, who manifests both externally (in the form of His illusory energy) and inside as Paramātmā. In other words, we love people and things because they carry a spark of His presence. Ultimately, we are all looking for Krsna, but due to the covering of Maya, this longing manifests in the form of material lust.

It is only due to this connection with Krsna that they appear to be attractive to us. When we fully realize this connection, we see beyond the material illusion and become attracted to Krsna, the source of all attractiveness. We then reawaken our eternal nature of love and service to Krsna. When we fail to do that, however, we just live the material experience of attraction, loss, and grief.

The words ātmanas tu kāmāya, thus, mean that what is dear is not the material objects themselves, but the potency and presence of the Lord in them. Another word for "dear" is priya, and this is also used later in the Bṛhad-āraṇyaka Upaniṣad (part four) in relation to the Lord: "priyam iti enat upāsīta" (One should worship the Supreme Lord as priya, the dearest). All these points reinforce the idea of cultivating our eternal relationship with the Lord as the most important aspect of our existence and indeed the very purpose of human life.

As Yājñavalkya proceeded in his explanation to Maitreyī:

"As the sounds of a drum being beaten cannot be captured by themselves, but the sound is seized when the drum or the beater of the drum is seized; or as the sounds of a conch being blown cannot be seized externally by themselves, but the sound is seized when the conch or the blower of the conch is seized, or yet as the sounds of a flute being played cannot be seized, but the sound is seized when the flute or the player of the flute is seized."

It's not possible to attain happiness by chasing people or material objects. Only when we connect ourselves with the Supreme Lord can all desirable things be attained.

"Just as clouds of smoke appear when we lit a fire using damp firewood, in the same way, O Maitreyī, the Rg Veda, Sāma Veda, Yajur Veda, Atharva Veda, Purāṇas, Itihāsas, Vidyās, Upaniṣads, ślokas, sūtras, vyākhyās, and anuvyākhyās, as well as everything that is sacrificed, food and drink, this world and other words and all creatures that exist come from the breath of the Supreme Person."

This verse makes reference to Lord Maha-Vishnu creating all the universes and everything that exists through his exhalation. During the interval between his exhalation and his inhalation, all the universes become manifest, and the one hundred years of the life of Brahma go on, etc. When He inhales, all the universes are destroyed, and all the souls merge into his body for a long period of rest until the next creation.

We come then to the conclusion of the passage:

ātmā vā are draṣṭavyaḥ śrotavyo mantavyo nididhyāsitavyo maitreyi
“O Maitreyī, indeed, the Lord (ātmā) should be perceived, heard, inquired about, and meditated upon.” (Bṛhadāraṇyaka Upaniṣad 2.4.5)

Why is that the Supreme Lord, the Supreme ātmā, should be investigated, heard, contemplated, and meditated upon? Because knowing the Lord is the only path to immortality, to reestablishing our original nature as pure souls in our original relationship with the Lord. Even impersonal liberation doesn't achieve this goal, since one becomes free from material conditioning, but does not revive one's relationship with the Lord. This dialogue is repeated in part four, later in the Bṛhadāraṇyaka Upaniṣad, where extra details about the characteristics of the Lord are added.

In this way, Yājñavalkya explained to Maitreyī how affection should be centered around the Lord, and not directly placed in the different objects of the senses. If a wife loves her husband and thinks that by her own power, she will make him love her, she will end up not being loved by her husband. Similarly, if one loves his children or his wife and thinks that by his own power, he will make them love him, he will, in the end, not be loved by them. If, however, he loves the Lord and from there loves the husband, children, and wife, seeing them in connection to the Lord, only then will the Lord make them love this devoted wife, husband, father, or mother.

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