Five factors for a successful marriage in Krsna Consciousness

Most of the time, people just marry a person they consider attractive, without seriously considering other factors. Reality is that this superficial attraction can go away quite quickly.

There are many passages in the scriptures that speak negatively about family life. Reality is that family life is indeed not very favorable to spiritual advancement in most cases, because people marry with an idea of increasing their sense gratification and fail to make their home Krsna-conscious. When our family life becomes centered around just material necessities, it is indeed not very supportive of our spiritual practice. In this case, one is advised to retire from it later in life to concentrate on his or her neglected spiritual practice and have a chance of going back to Godhead at the end.

However, there is also a positive alternative. See, for example, this purport by Prabhupada on SB 3.31.42:

"A man becomes attached to a woman because of her service, her beauty and many other assets, and similarly a woman becomes attached to a man for his giving her a nice place to live, ornaments, dress and children. It is a question of attachment for one another. As long as either is attached to the other for such material enjoyment, the woman is dangerous for the man, and the man is also dangerous for the woman. But if the attachment is transferred to Kṛṣṇa, both of them become Kṛṣṇa conscious, and then marriage is very nice."

"Man and woman should live together as householders in relationship with Kṛṣṇa, only for the purpose of discharging duties in the service of Kṛṣṇa. Engage the children, engage the wife, and engage the husband, all in Kṛṣṇa conscious duties, and then all these bodily or material attachments will disappear. Since the medium is Kṛṣṇa, the consciousness is pure and there is no possibility of degradation at any time."

Most of the time, people just marry a person they consider attractive, without seriously considering other factors. Reality is that this superficial attraction can go away quite quickly, and in the end, not only will we not make our family life Krsna conscious, but the marriage itself will be broken later.

Marriage can serve as a platform for spiritual practice and can be very favorable to our spiritual advancement, offering a foundation from which we can perform our spiritual practice, but only when we can build a relationship centered around Krsna.

How to do that? In my experience, there are a few factors that are essential for this. It's very difficult to have a Krsna-conscious family if these factors are not present; therefore, that's something you should consider before committing to a relationship. One third of it comes from our own purification and maturity in the spiritual process, another third from the purification and maturity of the partner, and the other third from the chemistry between the two.

We can fill some gaps with effort and compromise, but if the basic chemistry is not present, or if the partner is not seriously committed to spiritual practice, it can be very difficult. So, what are these five factors one should look for?

a) You are kind to each other

Mutual kindness is a very good indicator of spiritual compatibility. Of course, all couples tend to be kind to each other in the beginning, when there is mutual attraction, but there is a difference between the type of kindness that comes from lust and the real deal: When kindness comes from lust, it tends to pass very quickly. After a short time, disagreement and frustration come.

The point is that relationships based on lust have envy as the main component. In this case, we see the partner as an object of enjoyment, and thus we want to keep him or her under submission, doing the things that are pleasant for us. When this doesn't happen, the envy manifests, and anger comes. This can sometimes be noticed very early in the relationship, and is a very strong red light.

On the other hand, when the relationship is more influenced by goodness, there is an attitude of appreciation and care, which leads to a type of kindness that is long-term. We should look for a partner that inspires this attitude in us and that shows a similar attitude to us. On the other hand, if one makes us passionate, lustful, and angry, it should be avoided.

b) You are very good friends

This point is similar to the first, but it brings an extra dimension, which is the capacity for cooperating peacefully. When the personalities match and there is mutual kindness, two persons can be good friends, and this makes cooperation easy and natural. Two persons can be good devotees and be attracted to each other, but if the priorities and personalities don't match, things can be difficult. This peaceful friendship is thus another thing we should look for, and we should avoid relationships where it is not present.

c) You are inspired by and comfortable in practicing together

Two devotees may be serious about their spiritual practice, and they may even be able to cooperate well in different activities, but often they are just too different. This is fine when two people are just friends or just cooperate in a few projects, because in this case, they can keep a certain distance. However, in married life, this doesn't work very well, since when you are living with a person, there is little opportunity for keeping distance. If you notice that you are just not comfortable doing your japa, worship, chanting, and studying together with a person, that's probably not a very good match for you. Having a spouse who is bothered by the way we chant and do other things is not a very good recipe for a long-term relationship.

d) You are both serious about spiritual practice

This is something to be attentive to. Devotees don't need to be at a similar level of advancement for a relationship to work, but they should be similarly committed to the spiritual process. Often, one tries to pretend to be serious in the beginning to match the commitment of the partner, but if this is not natural, it will not work in the long term. If one is more committed to the spiritual process than the other, the tendency is that they will diverge in the long term, with the one who has a natural commitment becoming even more committed in the long run, and the other wanting to settle in a comfortable life, where Krsna consciousness is present, but is not a priority. This difference of goals will lead to dissatisfaction and disagreement, putting a heavy strain on the relationship. Sometimes devotees divorce after 10 years or more of marriage, and everyone is surprised. The reason is frequently this one

e) There are no serious divergences about goals or philosophical views; you are in harmony on all important points.

This is another point to should not be overlooked. Often, devotees are in different philosophical lines. One may be following a line that doesn't subscribe to the same conclusions as Prabhupada, or even follow two different groups inside the same institution that are considerably different from each other. This is perfectly fine, but it can be a serious problem in family life. The differences may be reconcilable in the beginning, but they tend to grow in the long term, undermining the other four pillars I mentioned earlier. This is something to take into consideration.

These five factors are not a point system. In general, all five should be present for a marriage to be successful; therefore, we should look carefully. Divorces amongst devotees are extremely common nowadays, and the trend shows no indication of diminishing. Sometimes divorce comes from mutual agreement (or disagreement), but often a spouse may divorce you even if you are doing most things right, just because they have different priorities in life. If the foundation is not good, it's improbable that a relationship will survive the test of time. Believe me, it’s better not to get married at all than get married but face divorce later. It's better to be peaceful and choose carefully, letting a friendly relationship develop before transforming it into conjugal life.

You may also have noticed that astrological compatibility is not present in the list. The truth is that astrology is usually not a very reliable tool nowadays due to the lack of proper astrologers. Honestly, the way it is done nowadays, I believe, does more harm than good. If devotees would stop caring about astrology at all, we would probably have better marriages. You can check the book "How to mess up your life with astrology" by Sri. It's an interesting reading in this connection.

Astrology is a science meant to be cultivated by Brahmanas who have spiritual vision and can see beyond mere calculations. Such Brahmanas are very rare nowadays. Apart from that, astrology calculations reflect the situation at birth, while devotees change a lot due to their spiritual practice. Astrology is thus a very flawed tool when it comes to devotees who are seriously practicing Krsna consciousness. Another point is that most astrologers focus on just material compatibility, while in the case of devotees, spiritual compatibility in the five pillars discussed above is a more fundamental factor. Yet another point is that astrology is more often than not misused. People often just run a quick calculation based on the point system, which is nothing more than a caricature.

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