How can a lady find a responsible and kind husband?

Just like one who is hungry will have difficulty concentrating on work, someone who has the necessity for a relationship but can’t find a suitable partner will have difficulties on spiritual practice.

Marriage is a natural necessity for most. Life is hard, and most feel the need for a life partner who can give them love and care. A supportive spouse not only makes life much easier, but it can also be fundamental in one’s spiritual path, bringing one stability to sustain his or her spiritual pursuits. Marriage also helps to develop emotional intelligence and empathy, helping to better understand others and ourselves.

Just like a person who is too hungry will have difficulty concentrating on their work, someone who has the necessity for a relationship but can’t find a suitable partner will have difficulties focusing on his or her spiritual practice. When one’s basic necessities are not satisfied, spiritual practice becomes difficult to maintain.

The problem is that finding a suitable life partner is becoming increasingly difficult. This is an issue for both sexes, but it’s especially difficult for ladies. Modern society teaches men to avoid responsibility, which often makes them assume an exploitative attitude towards women. A lady who wants to find a suitable partner who will take responsibility for starting a family can face a hard time.

Even spiritual movements are not free from this problem, since people who join come from the general society and bring the same values and vices with them. In the case of Vaiṣnava movements, there is also another problem: Vedic culture emphasizes renunciation and spiritual development instead of simply material progress. As a result, some of the men remain celibate, reducing the proportion of males who are available for marriage.

There are also cases of men who are simply not qualified for taking responsibility for a family, like men who can’t maintain a job, are not responsible, or lack basic self-control. In the end, the number of men who are suitable for marriage in many societies is actually quite small. There are also cases of abusive or irresponsible husbands; there are some who get involved in vices and bad habits, etc. Most probably know many such stories.

As a man progresses in spiritual life, he naturally develops the qualities of a Vaishnava. The list includes qualities like being merciful, humble, truthful, equal to all, faultless, magnanimous, mild, clean, respectful, grave, compassionate, without false prestige, friendly, poetic, expert, completely in control of the six bad qualities — lust, anger, greed, etc.

In other words, the perfect Vaishnava is also the perfect husband. A neophyte may be able to imitate some of the externals, but only a real Vaiṣnava is going to really manifest true qualities. The secret to finding a good husband is, therefore, to find a proper Vaiṣnava. It may sound simple enough, but how can a lady attract such a husband? There is actually a secret.

It’s said that men are like bees and a lady is like a flower. By following the process of spiritual life and developing good qualities, a lady can attract some qualified men and choose her husband from amongst them. If, however, a lady cultivates negative qualities, like lust, envy, anger, etc., the bees are going to stay away, and instead, flies will be attracted: lusty men who are going to bring her only suffering. If a lady can cultivate good qualities, attract a good husband, and be faithful to him, her married life is going to be a success.

Another point is that marriage should be between equals: Parvati needs to be married to Lord Śiva, Sita needs to be married to Rama, etc. We can see that Shurpanakha, who lacked good qualities, wanted to marry Lord Rama, but we can see that it did not work very well.

Husband and wife need to have a similar mentality and share similar goals for the marriage to be successful. Just as a pure devotee lady will not be happy with a materialistic husband, a materialistic lady will not be happy with a pure devotee. Not only are they not going to be compatible, but they are probably not even going to be attracted to each other. One of the secrets to being able to find a partner with good qualities is to cultivate such good qualities ourselves.

Thus, the first prerequisite to enter and maintain a successful marriage to a spiritually enlightened person is, interesting enough, to go further in the spiritual path and become enlightened ourselves! Being enlightened, we can also attract the mercy of Krsna, a factor that can’t be overlooked. Most of us have very bad karma for marriage (and for everything else), and only divine intervention may change that. When Krsna gets involved, directly or indirectly, miracles happen. We can see that Kardama Muni followed this path when he desired a wife, and we can see the result.

Yet another point to consider is that unless we become spiritually advanced, we will probably not be able to properly recognize a potential good spouse, even when we see it. Just as man who is lusty will not be able to recognize a faithful and modest lady, going instead after superficial women, ladies who are not advanced will tend to be attracted to the wrong type of men. When we are not spiritually advanced, we tend to choose a partner based on what appears to satisfy our lust, which is more often than not precisely the type of person we may want to avoid in a long-term relationship.