Prefer listening? There is my narration of the article. ⤴️
You can receive new articles directly in your inbox. Subscription is free; donations are welcome.
Everyone wants to be loved for who they are. But here is a problem: Often, what we call “who I am” is exactly what prevents other people from loving us. Without realizing it, we often develop qualities and patterns of behavior that push others away, while at the same time becoming more and more attached to them as part of our identity. We then have a problem: we want to be loved for something that is not actually who we are.
Everyone aspires from being loved. This is not just something we are taught but an intrinsic need of the soul. There is, however, something that gets in the way of obtaining this love we aspire for, and that’s our ego.
Everyone wants to be loved for whom he or she is. There, however, a very perverse mechanism active here: frequently, what we think we are, or what we identify with is not what we really are, and this often ruins everything.
Ultimately, as souls, we are full of bliss, knowledge and eternity. This also includes qualities like beauty, wealth, etc. Kṛṣṇa has 64 principal qualities, and most of them also manifest in the individual soul. In our original nature, we have peacefulness, simplicity, control of the senses, equilibrium of the mind, equality, forbearance, placidity, knowledge, detachment, opulence, memory, luster, patience, kind-heartedness, etc. The list is long.
It is said that pure devotees are loved by everyone. Why? Because they directly exhibit these qualities, being connected with their original nature as souls. Sometimes a pure devotee may be envied by a materialist, especially when he or she tries to spread Kṛṣṇa consciousness, but these are exceptions.
More than that, the transcendental qualities of a pure devotee attract other pure devotees and Kṛṣṇa Himself. In truth, Kṛṣṇa loves everyone, and He maintains everyone, even materialists. There is, however, a difference between Kṛṣṇa’s love as the maintainer and the personal relationship with Him that pure devotees attain. This also explains why pure devotees often show disinterest in ordinary relationships: they stop depending on mundane relationships for fulfillment because they are already connected with the Supreme Person, the source of all relationships.
What prevents us from also exhibiting the same qualities? That’s our contaminated material nature and the false ego that makes us identify with it.
The material conditioned nature appears from forgetting our original nature as a soul. The more I become involved with materialistic activities, bad habits, etc. the more this original nature is replaced by lust, anger, material hankering, a tendency to cheat or exploit others, selfishness, etc. The false ego then makes me look to this contaminated identity and identify with it. Suddenly, this becomes what I am, and when my natural propensity to be loved is mistakenly applied to it, I have a problem.
Let’s say, for example that by identifying with a certain ideology, I end up developing pride, harshness, selfishness and uncontrolled behavior. False ego then transforms these acquired tendencies into an identity: “This is simply who I am.” Then comes the second step: “If you really love me, you must accept me exactly as I am.”
We can see that the problem here is that a person demands that others accept not one’s real identity as a soul, but one’s conditioning. Any criticism of the conditioning is then interpreted as rejection of the person. The desire for being loved is perfectly natural, the problem is that the false ego misapply it and makes it unrealistic.
The tragic part is that even if I find some person who is attracted to this conditioned nature, the love is not directed to me in the real sense, it simply goes to this conditioned nature I identify with. For example, a man may identify with his car or his money and find a lady who is attracted to these things. Does it mean he found love?
Identifying with our real nature as a pure soul solves both problems. Not only does it help me to show positive qualities, but it also makes me more capable of forming relationships based on genuine qualities rather than artificial identities.
Even materially speaking, anyone will be prone to love someone who is truthful, intelligent, grateful, determined, self-controlled, forgiving, compassionate, respectful, gentle, generous, happy, pure, loving, etc. However, it becomes much harder when a person is dishonest, foolish, ungrateful, uncontrolled, unforgiving, disrespectful, harsh, selfish, envious, unstable, impure, hateful, etc. When we examine from this perspective, we can easily see that materialistic habits and material ego make us develop and identify with the wrong set of qualities.
We can see many going in this direction in social networks, for example, and often the most successful people in these niches are the most lonely. Why? Because social media often rewards qualities that are useful for attracting attention but destructive for maintaining relationships. Narcissism, outrage, ridicule, self-display, conflict, etc. are excellent to attract likes and comments but extremely destructive for real relationships. This exposes the central problem in these platforms: attention is equated with success, but the qualities that attract attention are not the same qualities that attract love.
In this way, the best way to be loved is to simply learn to be what we are, not in the crude material sense, but in the highest sense, as a pure soul. As we practice the spiritual process, work on our bad habits, and so on, the natural qualities of the soul become again visible.
One could, however, argue that it is not so easy. Many try, but to become a pure devotee, a pure soul is not so simple. We have a lot of accumulated baggage, and it is difficult to leave everything behind. One may become pure after a long time of practice, but for most, that’s not achievable in the short term. What to do in this case?
There is something else that serves as an intermediate step. That’s a system created by Kṛṣṇa that allows us to gradually elevate ourselves. What is it?
That’s the essence of the Vedic social system, something that people were practicing for millions of years before the start of the unfortunate age of Kali we are currently in.
The idea is to first identify with the positive qualities of the material identity we currently have and from there gradually work in the direction of rediscovering our original qualities as a soul. Because bodily identification cannot ordinarily be eliminated immediately, the Vedic system works in regulating and purifying it. This gives us a foundation we can stand on.
The current material identity I have now, as a man, a woman, an intellectual, a manager, a businessman, a worker, etc. is not accidental. It is the result of my desires and actions in previous lives. I obtained my current material nature because I somehow identified with it in previous lives. What the scriptures thus recommend is to not reject it immediately but instead work on developing it positively.
If one is man, for example, one can work on developing positive male qualities, becoming strong, courageous, disciplined, responsible, dependable, protective, etc. Similarly, if one is a woman, one can work on developing positive female characteristics, such as being gentle, nurturing, compassionate, graceful, affectionate, patient, etc. Courage, protectiveness, etc. are also present in exalted women, just as gentleness, gracefulness, etc. are also present in exalted men, the point is just emphasis.
Positive male characteristics help one to become a good husband, father, son, etc. and to be loved and respected in these roles. One still has to be smart enough to select a good spouse, and so on, but the good qualities are the basic engine for success in all these relationships. Similarly, positive feminine qualities allow a lady to be a good wife, mother, daughter, etc. and be loved in all these roles.
We still have to be smart enough to avoid negative situations and establish relationships with the right people, but good qualities make us capable of sustaining healthy loving relationships, while bad qualities progressively destroy that capacity. In general, this is the path for receiving love in the material sphere, and from this foundation one can have the peace of mind to successfully practice the spiritual process and gradually reconnect with the original set of qualities as a pure soul.
If, on the opposite, we prefer to remain selfish and self-indulgent, we may end up becoming undisciplined, irresponsible, unreliable, selfish, harsh, impatient, disloyal, uncontrolled, cold, dishonest, arrogant, etc. The basic process of material identification is the same in both cases; the point is in which direction we chose to go. Whatever tendencies we identify with and cultivate become stronger, but the consequences of cultivating virtues and vices are very different.
We want to be loved for who we are, this is natural; the problem is the false identification. Spiritual progress consists precisely in understanding that much of what we currently call “who I am” is not actually who we are. We don’t have to reject ourselves, we have to reject the idea that material defects are part of our nature.
There is also a final point: love requires not only possessing positive qualities but also having the capacity to love. Here we come to another paradox: In material consciousness, we usually ask, “Who will love me?” This attitude, however, often brings people who are interested in using us to find personal satisfaction. In spiritual consciousness, this changes to “Whom can I love and serve?” Paradoxically as it may appear, this is what brings us to real loving relationships. As we stop organizing our lives around extracting love from others and instead start offering love to worthy people, culminating with Kṛṣṇa Himself, we become capable of developing the real loving relationships we are looking for.
Read more:
This is a publication for thoughtful readers who want to go deeper into Kṛṣṇa consciousness. I publish daily, trying to offer high-quality spiritual content, and all posts are available to free subscribers. If you wish, you can support this work with a monthly contribution. When you subscribe, you can choose between a free subscription and a monthly contribution, and you can switch from a free subscriber to a supporter at any time.
You can also receive updates on WhatsApp or Telegram.
If you would like to contribute further, you can find the donation links here.