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When we study the books of Śrīla Prabhupāda, especially the Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, we find several passages that criticize mundane relationships between men and women. Instead, love for Kṛṣṇa is pointed to as the only true love, different from the covered selfishness of relationships in this material world.
When we analyze it from this perspective, relationships in this material world, and especially family life, can sound counterproductive. If our goal is to learn how to love Kṛṣṇa, why should we spend time cultivating temporary relationships in this material world? Wouldn’t it be better to renounce everything, as recommended in many passages, and concentrate exclusively on our relationship with Kṛṣṇa?
This conclusion, however, can lead us to prematurely try to give up all kinds of relationships and suppress our emotional needs, which can have very adverse effects.
The point is that although love in this material world is imperfect, it is not devoid of value. Even though material relationships are temporary and often mixed with envy and selfishness, they can help us to gradually develop qualities that are important for our spiritual advancement.
Pure devotees frequently renounce material relationships because they are, at this stage, ready to cultivate their eternal relationship with Kṛṣṇa. However, before they reach this stage, they usually remain in family life, like everyone else. Even Kardama Muni didn’t immediately practice with the goal of going back to Godhead. Initially, he recognized his desire to have a relationship with a wife and thus practiced austerities with the goal of receiving a good wife from Lord Viṣnu. Only after concluding his family life did he renounce the world. Ultimately, everyone has to give up the temporary relationships we cultivate in this world, be it voluntarily later in life, or involuntarily at the time of death, but everything has a time and a purpose. We can see that the same Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam that teaches us detachment also gives us examples of devotees who attained success in their family lives. Without relationships, there is a great risk that our spiritual practice may transform into impersonalism, which is the opposite of what we are trying to attain.
So, how can material relationships help us in our spiritual path? The first point is that although material love is usually mixed with selfishness, it can also work as a foundation to develop selflessness. A single young man, or a single young lady, may act from a fundamentally selfish platform, working to fulfill their own interests, but when they come together, there is a chance that they gradually evolve into a platform of service, especially after the children come. That’s precisely the path the scriptures give for family life: as a platform where we learn to serve others, starting with the spouse and children and gradually evolving into the service of saintly persons and the whole society. It gives us thus a path to evolve from the platform of selfishness to selflessness. Without this foundation, it is very difficult to come to the stage of developing a true relationship with Kṛṣṇa.
In the Bible, we find the story of Adan and Eve tasting the forbidden fruit and falling from paradise. There are many details in their story that diverge from what we believe in our philosophy, but there is one point that resonates: our material conditioning has a root from which everything sprouts. That’s lust.
Lust is selfish; it implies seeking our own satisfaction without caring for others. A dangerous bacterium cares only about its own reproduction, without considering that it is killing the host in the process. A mosquito cares only about its meal, without considering the inconvenience it is causing to its victims, and so on.
As the soul goes through the long evolutionary process of saṁsāra, passing through the 8,400,000 species of life, a sense of care for children and relatives gradually develops. Some higher animals can even care for members of other species (like a cow feeding a monkey, as we can sometimes see in Vṛndāvana, for example). When the soul reaches the human form, this sense of care can be expanded into a more developed form of affection.
Love means to put another person ahead of ourselves. A mother may voluntarily sacrifice herself for her children. This is an act of love. We can see that there is a fundamental difference between this type of affection and the selfish mentality of lust. Material love is never completely pure. Even a mother usually has some sense of possession over her children, or the idea that they will maintain her in old age; even the most dedicated wife has expectations for how her husband will reciprocate, and so on. Here we are not speaking about perfection, but about a gradual process of purification.
Marriage is an institution that can help us to walk this path, gradually reducing our selfishness and learning to love. This is an idea that Śrīla Bhakti Tīrtha Swami explored extensively in his teachings, for example.
We can see that most relationships between men and women start with physical attraction and personal expectations. We can say that it’s for “serving Kṛṣṇa together” or give other reasons, but if we are a little honest, we will often have to admit that our interest in a relationship is at least partially motivated by the desire for personal satisfaction.
Initially, we may be interested in a relationship mainly because of the pleasure and security it offers. However, as our family life progresses, we have to face situations where personal satisfaction is not the priority. Children become sick, the husband or wife faces difficulties, financial problems appear, and so on. Nowadays, of course, people frequently divorce when such difficulties appear, but if we take the classical idea of marriage as a long-term commitment, then we have to learn to sacrifice our comfort, time, and personal preferences to care for others. That’s precisely where the benefit lies.
As we go through these moments of crisis, we learn to develop patience, tolerance, compassion, humility, etc., qualities that can be very helpful in spiritual life. This maturity then helps us to approach Kṛṣṇa with a genuine attitude of service.
Naturally, a brahmacārī or sannyāsī can also develop the same qualities by serving the spiritual master, the Deities, and other devotees, without having to go through the responsibilities of family life. One can thus choose which path is more suitable according to his or her nature, but in any case, the central point is the same: we have to gradually mature.
There is, however, another side that also needs to be clear to balance the first point.
Without Kṛṣṇa consciousness, material relationships are of little value. Even if a soul can perform duties inside family life perfectly for hundreds of lives, without coming to Kṛṣṇa consciousness, one will remain in this material world. Just as a car is useless without an engine, any kind of material effort is useless without some degree of Kṛṣṇa consciousness. The point is thus not just being a celibate or a family man but doing either in Kṛṣṇa consciousness.
This essential distinction is given in the Caitanya-caritāmṛta (Ādi 4.165):
“The desire to gratify one’s own senses is kāma [lust], but the desire to please the senses of Lord Kṛṣṇa is prema [love].”
We should not see our family members simply as objects of our gratification, but as souls who belong to Kṛṣṇa and are dear to Him. A wife is not simply someone who is supposed to satisfy the husband’s desires, but a soul who was entrusted to his care, and similarly, a husband is not just a provider of material and emotional needs but someone to serve and support. When we understand this point, the material relationship stops being contradictory to our service to Kṛṣṇa.
In the Gītā (9.27), Kṛṣṇa tells Arjuna to offer all his activities to Him. When this principle is applied to family life, we can easily connect our responsibilities with our service to Kṛṣṇa.
The same principle applies to children. Instead of seeing them as walking extensions of our ego that are supposed to fulfill our expectations, we can recognize their individuality and their eternal relationship with Kṛṣṇa and help them to progress in this direction.
Without this understanding, family life can have the opposite effect, increasing our attachment, possessiveness, and material identification. This is precisely the type of family attachment that is repeatedly criticized in the Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam.
Yet another dimension we must keep in mind is our spiritual practice. By chanting, hearing, studying the scriptures, and practicing the other limbs of the devotional process, we become less controlled by lust, anger, and other material qualities, and this helps us to relate better with the people around us. In other words, just as our relationships can help us to develop qualities that are useful for our devotional service, devotional service itself gives us the tool to purify our relationships and propitiate the development of good qualities. Both should be performed together. Even while busy maintaining a family, we should not give up waking up early daily to chant our rounds and do our daily sādhana before the children wake up and the day starts. This should be non-negotiable.
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I am Loved by Sri Krishna.. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna hare hare, hare Rama hare Rama, Rama Rama hare hare.
Calling the Name , Purifies the Heart with pure Love.