Dealing with guilt and fear in spiritual practice
When fear is destructive, it becomes closely aligned with toxic shame. Toxic shame whispers, "I'm worthless", and destructive fear adds, "And Krsna will reject me for it..." How to escape this cycle?
An important aspect of spiritual life is to honestly acknowledge our mistakes and strive to move in the right direction. This willingness to improve is the very foundation of spiritual practice. If we think we are perfect and everything we do is right, there is no impetus for transformation, and spiritual advancement becomes impossible. The very fact that we are here in this material world, struggling with the senses and mind, already shows that something is not as it should be. Recognizing our shortcomings is the beginning of this process of change, and change is precisely what spiritual practice is meant to bring.
We can observe that often great devotees offer prayers regretting their past sinful activities and mistakes. Bhaktivinoda Thākura, for example, poured out his heart in the famous song Hari Hari Biphale Janama, setting the example of humility that leads to spiritual advancement:
"My dear Lord Hari, I have spent my life uselessly. Having obtained this human birth and not worshiped Radha and Krsna, I have knowingly drunk poison. The treasure of divine love in Goloka Vṛndāvana has descended as the congregational chanting of the holy names. Why did my attraction for that chanting never arise? Day and night my heart burns from the fire of the poison of worldliness, and I have not taken the means to relieve it."
Admitting our mistakes and misconceptions — and regretting them — is an essential part of the spiritual process, since it provides us the determination to correct what is wrong and to grow. This is why such admissions are so often emphasized in scriptures, prayers, and lectures. However, if this principle is misunderstood or if the process is applied in an unhealthy way, it can give rise to toxic shame, which then becomes a serious obstacle on the spiritual path.
To understand the problem, it is important to learn how to separate toxic shame from healthy guilt. Like a coin, there are two sides to this issue.
Healthy guilt can inspire change. It is based on the admission that one has done something wrong, the understanding of the causes and consequences, and a decision to avoid repeating the same mistake. The defining characteristic in this case is that it leads to a positive attitude, which fosters growth. It's not about being good or bad, but simply about admitting mistakes and growing from them.
Toxic shame, on the other hand, consists of identifying oneself with one's mistakes and letting a failure define one's entire being. Instead of "I did wrong, next time I will do better", it becomes "I am worthless", "I'm a failure", "I can't do anything right", "I'm the worst", etc., which is deeply destructive.
"I did wrong, next time I will do better" implies the possibility of change and is therefore empowering. "I am worthless", on the other hand, is both harmful and debilitating.
There is a great difference between humility and low self-esteem. Humility is healthy; it comes from the ability to admit mistakes and learn from them, while low self-esteem is a maladaptive trait that often prevents us from functioning in a healthy way. Humility is positive for our spiritual development, while low self-esteem is an anartha, an unwanted aspect of our material conditioning. As a soul, there is nothing to feel inferior about; the soul is eternally perfect, and its very nature is pure love for Krsna. Low self-esteem comes from identification with the body and mind and must ultimately be given up.
Learning from mistakes is an essential part of spiritual life, and this process continues until quite far in our spiritual development. Mistakes are one of the defining characteristics of our current conditioned nature, and they will follow us all the way to the platform of liberation. As Krsna explains in the Gītā (18.54), even liberation is just the beginning of the stage of true perfection, leading us to the platform of pure devotional service.
“One who is thus transcendentally situated at once realizes the Supreme Brahman and becomes fully joyful. He never laments or desires to have anything. He is equally disposed toward every living entity. In that state he attains pure devotional service unto Me.”
Krsna's eternal associates in the spiritual world may never commit mistakes, but no conditioned soul can claim the same. We thus have to learn to be able to advance despite our mistakes, understanding that they are part of the process, and not allowing toxic shame to paralyze us. Spiritual advancement is about thinking in the long term and finding a stable position from which we can grow, instead of running a quick, unsustainable sprint. Often, we feel miserable in spiritual life, but continue going, thinking that pure devotional service is right around the corner. It rarely works in this way. A healthy foundation has to come first.
Another paralyzing factor is destructive fear. We may fear committing offenses, fear failing the guru, fear that a mistake will destroy our spiritual progress, fear losing the appreciation of others, and so on. Just like humility, fear can play an important role in our spiritual development, but only when properly directed.
Positive fear is what is often called “eustress”, or positive stress. That's what makes a boxer attentive to a fight, or a surgeon cautious while performing a complex surgery, for example. It makes one attentive and disciplined. Without such positive stress, one can become careless, with dangerous consequences.
This type of fear is a valuable tool in spiritual life, leading us to be attentive instead of careless, disciplined instead of negligent, and serious instead of complacent. It helps us take the process seriously and advance; it reminds us that we are vulnerable and helps us to respect danger, instead of ignoring it. That is why fear is emphasized in many passages.
Once, Prabhupada mentioned that a challenge for some of his disciples was that they lacked a healthy respect for the power of the illusory energy. This healthy respect is an example of positive fear.
The problem is that fear can also be destructive, and this is another factor we must learn to avoid. For example, there are ten offenses to the chanting of the holy names, and to these we add inattentive chanting. The purpose is to call our attention to factors that slow or impede our progress and make us attentive in avoiding them. However, if instead of becoming attentive we become discouraged and avoid chanting altogether, this is an example of destructive fear. Instead of inspiring alertness, it paralyzes us, leading to stagnation and loss of confidence in our relationship with Krsna. It can also exacerbate the effects of toxic shame, creating a two-pronged attack on our spiritual practice.
How does it work?
When fear is destructive, it becomes closely aligned with toxic shame. They feed on each other: Toxic shame whispers, "I'm worthless", and destructive fear adds, "And Krsna will reject me for it..." like the little devil on one shoulder whispering in our ear.
Since accepting that I'm worthless already took away all possibility of change or progress, I'm left without any means of response to the second attack, which is the fear of being rejected, ostracized, exiled, or banished. I become then entrapped in the idea of losing something valuable, such as my relationship with the guru, my relationship with Krsna, or the respect of other devotees, without any possibility of escape, trapped in a whirlpool of suffering created by my own mind.
In other words, this inner dialogue creates a vicious cycle where I not only doubt my self-worth, but also doubt Krsna's mercy, the mercy of the guru, and other devotees. Instead of running to them for shelter, I withdraw, feeling unworthy of even trying.
We may think that it does not make sense for our own mind to create a trap in which we become paralyzed in suffering, but that's exactly the point: the mind is not logical. It doesn’t care whether it is happiness or suffering; it is simply attracted to strong emotions. As long as the emotional push is strong, it will want to repeat it. That is why negative emotions can be so addictive. The mind becomes attached to them as easily as it can become attached to an attractive person or a delicious dish. Once it becomes hooked, it will try to bring us back to the same feelings of shame and guilt on which it feeds.
How to get out? The only tool we have that can control the mind is the intelligence. The intelligence is, in turn, fed by spiritual knowledge, which helps us see the reality of our eternal relationship with Krsna, instead of the difficulties of this material world. The scriptures consistently present Krsna as bhakta-vatsala, one who is especially affectionate to His devotees. He is not a strict judge waiting to punish mistakes, as believed by some, but a loving friend and protector who overlooks countless faults when there is sincerity of heart. Krsna has been following us for countless lives, waiting for a chance to bring us back. It will not be now, when we are finally trying to reach Him (even if imperfectly), that He will leave us. Even a small attempt to chant the holy names or to perform some small service attracts Krsna's compassion.
You don't need to take my word for it. See what He himself says in the Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam (4.28.52-55):
"Don’t you recognize Me? I am your eternal friend. You may remember that many times in the past you have consulted Me.
My dear friend, even though you cannot immediately recognize Me, can’t you remember that in the past you had a very intimate friend? Unfortunately, you gave up My company and accepted a position as enjoyer of this material world.
My dear gentle friend, both you and I are exactly like two swans. We live together in the same heart, which is just like the Mānasa Lake. Although we have been living together for many thousands of years, we are still far away from our original home.
My dear friend, you are now My very same friend. Since you left Me, you have become more and more materialistic, and not seeing Me, you have been traveling in different forms throughout this material world"
The difficulty with spiritual knowledge is that it can easily be improperly presented or misunderstood, which can create havoc, reinforcing the cycle of guilt and shame instead of curing it. While healthy fear can make us careful in avoiding offenses, destructive fear blinds us to Krsna’s kindness and turns the spiritual path into a burden. If chanting is approached with dread, the taste of bhakti will not develop. If, on the other hand, we learn to chant with confidence in Krsna's mercy despite our faults, our hearts can become gradually purified.
The challenge for any spiritual teacher is to balance both sides, calling one's attention to the dangers on the path without, however, reinforcing the feelings of destructive fear and toxic shame to which many are already inclined. Even more critical is to understand the effect of these teachings, since what enters the ears is often distorted by the wrath of the false ego and the fears of the mind before reaching the heart. Another point is that philosophy has to be combined with compassion and love. A person who sincerely cares about us can help, while someone who sees only words written in a book may make things worse.
The balance, then, lies in cultivating humility without collapsing into self-condemnation, and in respecting the dangers of illusion without losing hope in the power of Krsna’s mercy. Just as a child may stumble while learning to walk, but trusts the parents to guide and protect, we too must have the faith that Krsna will lift us despite repeated mistakes. When this faith is present, guilt becomes a teacher rather than a tyrant, and fear becomes a guardrail rather than a prison. When properly directed, they can serve as tools for growth, but when misapplied, they can become serious obstacles. Our path of spiritual progress passes through learning this distinction.
What struggles do you face in your spiritual life? Post in the comments below ⤵️
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Hare Krishna Prabhu ji 🙏 very nice article , my struggle is that I am not financially stable or you can say materially stable so I am not able to do my devotional service properly, my attention goes there , and then I feel like I am not good enough or I am not a good husband neither devotee, all the negativity enters into me at once . Then my spiritual life , or executing devotional service becomes my greatest hurdle. If you can suggest something how to always remain positive and confident ? And be patient and execute bhakti .
Thank you so much, prabhuji. I have been suffering from destructive fear & toxic shame in my spiritual life for quite a long time. Today morning, while chanting, I was praying to krishna to help me. This came in at the right time! 🙏