Learning to love ourselves
On the one hand, the material identity I have now is not my real self. On the other hand, even though temporary and imperfect, my current self is everything I have at the moment to serve Krsna.
On the one hand, the material identity I have now is not my real self. As we learn from the Bhagavad-gītā, we are not the body and not even the mind or the intelligence; these are all external covers of my real self. However, what is my real self? This I don’t really know. I understand I’m a soul, but anything else is difficult to answer.
Therefore, even though temporary and imperfect, my current self is everything I have at the moment to serve Krsna. No matter how imperfect, this is the tool I have to realize my real spiritual identity, my only chance of going back to Godhead in this life.
My material self is also created by Krsna, out of His own energy. He was kind enough to make it imperfect so I don’t become too attached to it, but gave me all the tools I need to properly use it, including a mind I can use to feel and desire, and intelligence I can use to study the scriptures, understand the world around me, and find my way out.
In this way, my current identity, including both the body and mind, is a present I received from Krsna, and is the tool I have to realize Him, just like a car or a computer. I don’t need to feel inferior just because someone else has a newer or flashier car, or a faster computer. As long as what I have is working, I can use it to do something useful; no need to compare.
Since this material identity is created by Krsna and is meant to serve Him, there is no need to reject or hate it. Krsna created this identity in the way it is supposed to be, with the resources needed to perform the specific service it was created to perform. I, the soul, I’m entrusted with this tool, and I can show my love to Krsna by using it in His service, using it with whatever qualities and faults it may have.
Srila Prabhupada used to say that everyone has a special talent given by Krsna, and to use this talent for Krsna is the perfection of life. No matter what mixture of qualities and defects I have, there is always something I can do for Krsna. If nothing else, I can call His name, and if even that is not possible, I can remember Him. Satisfying Krsna is not so much about what we offer, but about the attitude of offering whatever we have.
In this process, it is important to accept ourselves as a work-in-progress. Just as a tree can take years to grow before giving fruit, we can also take years to grow before attaining maturity in our service. Just as a gardener patiently waters a plant, understanding it takes a long time to grow into a tree, we also need to practice patience toward our own journey. Loving myself in the process of bhakti does not mean indulging in my bad qualities, but simply accepting that even with our current flaws, we are dear to Krsna, who has accompanied us through countless births, patiently waiting for the moment we are now, trying to serve Him, even if imperfectly. By hating ourselves, we are effectively denying His vision of us. Learning to see ourselves through His eyes, as beloved souls with potential to love Him, is itself an act of devotion.
We are often harsh with ourselves: condemning ourselves, replaying our failures, and comparing ourselves with others. Would we treat a close friend that way? Learning self-compassion means speaking to ourselves the way a well-wisher would: firm when needed, but patient and never cruel. This is not sentimentality; on the contrary, it is a very realistic protection against toxic guilt and shame sprouting from the mind poisoning our spiritual practice.
Just as we degrade ourselves by unfairly offending others and meditating on their bad qualities, we can also degrade ourselves by delving too much into our faults, instead of recognizing the good qualities we can use for Krsna. We are also devotees; therefore, criticizing ourselves too harshly is also a form of Vaiṣnava aparādha. Instead of criticizing ourselves for what we lack, we can cultivate gratitude for what Kṛṣṇa has given.
Maybe I’m not a great Sanskrit scholar, but I can chant. Maybe I’m not a great book distributor, but I can cook. Maybe I’m not good at playing instruments, but I can be a good friend. By recognizing our own talents and qualities, we can see more clearly how we can engage ourselves in the service of the Lord, and by this, we can make peace with our imperfections.
The next step is to learn to take proper care of ourselves as the servants of Krsna. Taking care of our health and getting proper rest can keep the body and mind in good condition for chanting and doing different services that can satisfy Krsna. When we develop this mentality, even resting and sleeping can be done for Krsna.
Loving ourselves doesn’t mean embracing the false ego or the agitation of the mind; it means recognizing that even with our current flaws, we are instruments in Krsna’s hands. Loving Krsna means loving everything that is dear to Him, including ourselves. When we learn to treat ourselves with patience and respect, we become better prepared to offer our lives to Him.
Cognitive dissonance
There is always a dissonance between what we want to be and what we are at the current moment. Right now, we have a mixture of good and bad qualities to work with; no one is perfect. However, when we study the scriptures, we learn about the ideals of the process of pure devotional service and examples of the the glorious activities of devotees who got there, like Dhruva Maharaja eating only dry leaves and meditating on one foot, Haridāsa Thākura resisting the advances of a beautiful lady during the night, Viṣṇupriyā setting apart one grain of rice for each round she was chanting — her food for the day, and so on, ideals of purity and determination that are far from our current reality.
It’s said that we should follow the examples of great ācāryas and great personalities, but not try to imitate them. This is an important point to understand, because there is an important mental mechanism behind this, a trap that can make us hate ourselves and face many unnecessary difficulties in our spiritual path.
Hearing such examples can be very inspiring, and this sense of admiration brings the desire to also become pure like them. We then hear that there is indeed a process that can make us pure: the chanting of the mahā-mantra and the process of devotional service, which allows us to attain this ultimate goal.
When we study the Bhagavad-gītā, we can see that Krsna takes His time to explain to Arjuna that everyone has to act according to their own nature. He describes a ladder that we can follow, starting by cultivating knowledge, then working for Him, then following the regulative principles of bhakti-yoga, and gradually coming to the platform of always remembering Him. He, however, makes clear that we can’t take shortcuts. As He explains: “One who restrains the senses of action but whose mind dwells on sense objects certainly deludes himself and is called a pretender.”
The proper understanding is thus that we should follow the process starting from the level that is appropriate to our situation, and from there gradually progress, without, however, trying to pretend to be in a level higher than we are.
The trap is that often we don’t have this wisdom, and we set unrealistic ideals of purity and perfection for ourselves, and we become disappointed when we fail to match them. This leads us to the opposite extreme: blaming ourselves, feeling like a failure, shame, regret, etc. Often this process leads us to the opposite extreme, the conclusion that we can’t do anything right, and that we should just accept our fallen condition and stop trying.
We can see that in the first scenario, we don’t reject our current conditioned nature, but rather learn to use it for Krsna, avoiding activities that are harmful to our spiritual progress (such as meat eating and promiscuous relationships) and using our natural talents to serve the Lord, in a process of sustained progress. The second scenario, however, comes from ignoring our current nature and setting unrealistic expectations. That’s a trick of the mind: when we can’t be the highest, it makes us feel the lowest. Part of the spiritual process is to accept that we are neither.
If Krsna wanted us to be like Dhruva Maharaja, he would have given us a nature similar to his. The reason He gave us a certain nature in this life is because He wants us to learn to serve and love Him with this particular set of talents and imperfections. To surrender to Krsna does not mean to reject my current nature, but to learn to use it in the service of Krsna and thus purify it. If we desire to obtain a different material nature, that’s also possible, but we will have to take another birth to get it! If we are going to make it in this life, it will have to be with what we have now.
Arjuna was a kṣatriya, and Krsna’s desire was for Him to use this nature to fight in the battle of Kurukṣetra and defeat the Kauravas. However, in the beginning of the Gītā, Arjuna wanted to reject this nature, and instead go to the forest to imitate the nature of a brāhmana, meditating under a tree. Krsna disagreed and spoke the whole Bhagavad-gītā to convince Him otherwise. Technically, a brāhmana is higher than a kṣatriya, but Krsna’s desire was not for Arjuna to imitate one.
Conditioned life starts from our desire to be Krsna. In material life, everyone wants to become beautiful, strong, rich, powerful, etc., as part of this process of imitation. When we start spiritual life, this same tendency can appear in the form of a desire to be a pure devotee, a great preacher, a great renunciant, etc. The defect in this case is not the desire per se, but the motivation, which is still selfish. I may desire to be a pure devotee or a great preacher, not exactly for Krsna, but to satisfy my ego. As we can see, we can bring this process of trying to become like Krsna even into our spiritual practice. Humility means to accept that I’m human and use this imperfect nature to serve Krsna.
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